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The Furls Bowl Craptacular: A Celebration Of Mediocrity!
The Furls Bowl Craptacular: A Celebration Of Mediocrity!
Love it or hate it, the bowl system that we have now is the bowl system that we must continue to deal with. Granted, the fans have been screaming for a playoff for about as long as I can remember, but that really doesn
Love it or hate it, the bowl system that we have now is the bowl system that we must continue to deal with. Granted, the fans have been screaming for a playoff for about as long as I can remember, but that really doesn’t matter. The will of the people has not mattered since the Roman “bread and circuses” political policy of popular appeasement. Maybe all we need to do is have ourselves a good old-fashioned aristocratic bloodletting and then perhaps we will be appeased. Can you picture a bunch of bowl committee fat cats crucified upside-down? I can.
We have heard all the anti playoff arguments for a decade, but making fun of them never gets old. My personal favorite is the, “A playoff would undermine the rich tradition and history of the bowl system.” My counter argument to that argument is that the existence of the Meineke Car Care Bowl does more to undermine the bowl system than abolishing it. Hell, all you have to do to make it to a bowl game is finish your season six and six. Talk about rewarding mediocrity, and it is in this spirit of rewarding mediocrity that we will preview this year’s most mediocre bowl games!
The most mediocre game of this bowl season: The Independence Bowl.
Gone are the days of Barry Sanders and Bear Bryant, now Oklahoma St. and Alabama, two programs that have crashed back to earth faster than the space shuttle Challenger, meet in this epic battle to see…. which team can finish over .500 this season.
Oklahoma State received its coveted bid to the Independence Bowl as a reward for finishing 8th in the Big 12! Based on my years of studying advanced mathematics, I can tell you that this finish puts them at the top of the bottom third of their conference (which was pretty weak this year).
The Alabama athletic director needs to send an extra special Christmas card to Duke and Louisiana Monroe. Had it not been for their incredible ineptitude, Alabama would not have even been bowl eligible. Talk about hanging on by a thread. Well, Alabama did play in the toughest conference in college football, and they were able to go 2-6 in the conference (Thank God for Vandy and Ole Miss!). I think that an effort should be rewarded.
Runner Up: The International Bowl.
I think in the spirit of globalism we should outsource this game. I think Kathy Lee and Suzanne Sommers still have connections in Asia, so they should be able to get the labor for this thing on the cheap. I am no expert on East Asian athletics, but I am pretty sure that they could field a team that could compete with the upper middle of the pack from the MAC (Western Michigan) and the fifth best team from the Big Least.
Cincinnati and Western Michigan, playing on January 6th? I remember a time when the best bowl games were played last and the crappy games were played in the beginning of the bowl season. If that were true today, the International Bowl would be played immediately following the first spring practice for each team.
2nd Runner Up: Motor City Bowl.
I have a general rule, if your school has a “direction” in its’ name, odds are you will have to strive to reach mediocrity. This year’s edition of the Motor City Bowl features two teams that are so mediocre that their names are actually geographically mediocre. MIDDLE Tennessee State against CENTRAL Michigan, are you kidding? Just thinking about it makes me want to eat some flavorless English food and get into a nice lukewarm bath.
Keep these games in mind this year when you hear the pundits talking about the rich history of the Bowl Season. I am pretty sure that Ohio State only went to its first Rose Bowl in 1921 after being snubbed by both the Papajohns.com and Chick-Fil-A Bowls.
It is not often you will see a celebration of mediocrity like this, so enjoy it while you can. I recommend watching these games with a “five” on each arm (why limit yourself to one “ten”) and some mild salsa. Personally, I think we should cancel all the bowls, do away with the rankings and substitute all the awards shows for one giant end of season banquet. They could invite all 117 division IA teams to the banquet and give every player a trophy. They all tried and if we are going to reward mediocrity isn’t that all that matters?
Dec 25, 2006 7:00 PM
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