It is so seldom that I am
right on any predictions, I just have to crow about it when one finally works
Last week, I stated that all
the movies being released were boring, and highly recommended a weekend of
football and alcohol laced carbonated beverages.
America listened, as last
weekend was the worst in regards to box office take in the last three years.
“The Covenant” was #1…which is sort of like being a first place basketball team
after one game; a 25-24 double overtime “victory” over the New Jersey Home of
Much better fare this week,
or at least more choices, as it is a rare weekend with five new films opening
nationwide. Most of them still suck, but it will be a more entertaining suck
than last week’s drudgery.
News & Rumors:
~ Latest Comic Book green lighted film? “The
Sub-Mariner”. Seriously. Jonathan Mostow, the writer of “Terminator 3” will
direct and re-write the existing (crappy) script about the prickly Atlantis
based superhero who always looked to me like a cross between Mr. Spock and
Mercury with his pointy ears and cute winged feet. Might challenge “Elektra”
and the upcoming “Ghost Rider” for the title of “Worst Ever” in the Comic Book
~ What is with The Rock (Dwayne Johnson) and
football films now? OK, we all know that the former Miami Hurricane and
“rassler” was an NFL washout, so is he now trying to make up for his humiliating
failure by appearing in all these pigskin flicks? “Gridiron Gang” opens this
week, as described below, and the Rockster will also begin shooting another
football film, “The Game Plan” later this month. In it, he plays an NFL star
who learns he has a daughter, and tries to connect with her over the objections
of his hard driven agent, Kyra Sedgewick. A pro sports star not knowing he
fathered a child out of wedlock? I’m shocked! SHOCKED! Mostly because we all
know that most women in those circumstances would have an injunction against him
for $75,000 a month child support two minutes after the delivery.
~ Second straight week with Jim Carrey news.
In this one, Carrey and Steve Carrell have signed on to do voices for the
upcoming CGI adaptation of Dr. Seuss’ “Horton Hears a Who”. Carrey will be the
voice of the charming elephant, and Carrell will be the mayor of Whoville. Not
to be confused with WhoDeyVille, a not-so-charming place on the Ohio River where
a team of criminals named the Bengals play football. (and hopefully suffer an
ass kicking this week at the hands of the Browns…yeah, I know…Wishful Thinking
~ Peter Jackson’s latest project sounds like a
good one. “Termeraire”, is a mixture of fantasy and historical epic. It is a
saga set in the time frame of the Napoleonic Wars, mixing sea battles with
flying dragons. I think I may have seen that the last time I heavily drank
This week’s new releases:
Title: The Black Dahlia
Starring: Josh Hartnett,
Scarlett Johansson, Aaron Eckhart
investigate the brutal murder and mutilation of an up and coming starlet in
The BeerBuzz: The more
heavily hyped cousin of last week’s “Hollywoodland”. You would think having De
Palma behind the camera bodes well for this film…until you look back and
remember that the last films directed by Brian De Palma were “Snake Eyes”,
“Mission to Mars”, and “Femme Fatale”. Yech. Hopefully he pulls an Oliver
Stone, and gets his mojo back with this one…although as stated last week, having
Josh Hartnett in the lead is NOT a good omen. But evidently there is a majorly
hot sex scene involving Scarlett…so who cares about the rest of it? I’ll let
you know next week as I’ll finally get back in the reviewer’s chair for this
Title: Gridiron Gang
Starring: The Rock, and a
bunch of twenty somethings playing high school delinquents.
Plot: A counselor at a
juvenile detention center starts up a football team to prove that even nasty
little sociopaths deserve the chance to commit mayhem on a football field.
The BeerBuzz: No doubt that
this will be the #1 movie of the weekend, a heart tugging tale of a bunch of
kids that aren’t really bad, just victims of an unjust society. Yeah,
right…let’s just forget about the people they robbed or beat. You know, I’m
rumored to be a bit on the liberal side, but that line of bs makes my eyes roll
completely into the back of my head. Based upon a 1993 documentary…meaning they
took the high level concept and then made up everything else. Hey! A Football
Movie! Wouldn’t it be a huge surprise if it ended with The Big Game? (in slow
motion, with a “powerful” orchestrated soundtrack).
Title: The Last Kiss
Starring: Zach Braff,
Jacinda Barrett, Rachel Bilson
Plot: Scum bucket questions
his long term cohabitation relationship with his girlfriend while she is
The BeerBuzz: Bomb of the
month. Who exactly is this movie aimed at? It’s definitely not a ChickFlick,
as there wouldn’t be many women sympathetic to a guy having an affair while his
girlfriend goes through swollen ankles, estrogen overload, and gallons of Ben &
Jerry’s. No guns or car chases, so that leaves out most guys. The only people
left are the ones that LIKE to be depressed. In other words; Garry Shandling.
Title: Everyone’s Hero
Starring: the voices of
Whoopi Goldberg, Brian Dennehy, and William H. Macy
Plot: CGI family flick where
a young boy must return the (talking) bat of Babe Ruth to the slugger before the
The BeerBuzz: The “warm and
fuzzy” sports based flick of the week that’s actually suitable for kids. So if
it succeeds, will we get a sequel in the next few years about a kid that must
hurry and get a talking syringe of steroids back to Barry Bonds before his head
shrivels down to a size 8 ½?
Starring: Martin Freeman,
Jessica Stevenson, and a bunch of other Brits who I’ll probably recognize when I
see them, but I’m not familiar with their names.
Plot: Three couples compete
in a wild and wacky British contest to see who can have “The Most Original
Wedding of the Year”.
The BeerBuzz: The Brits are
finally adapting something from America rather than the other way around
(American Idol, The Office, Who Wants to be a Millionaire”)…with director Debbie
Issitt pulling a Christopher Guest and filming a “mockumentary”, allowing the
actors to pretty much improvise the entire script. Doubtful that it would be as
funny as Guest’s “This Is Spinal Tap”; but it might be an amusing rental in a
New DVD Releases on
Tuesday, September 19th
Five new movies released to
the theaters, and not a THING worth watching coming out this week on DVD. At
least as far as new release…but there are a couple of classics worth renting.
Teenagers find a video game where you die in real
life if you die in the game. If it ends up that the obnoxious little bastard
from “Malcolm in the Middle” were to be dispatched in a truly painful way, then
that part of this worthless flick might have a tiny bit of entertainment value.
Let’s make a movie about 14 year old girls with
the bodies of 10 year old boys combining gymnastics with moves more suitable for
pole dancing! NOT suitable for viewing by young girls 10 and under who are in
gymnastic classes and think this might be a good flick about their sport.
10th and Wolf
– A crime drama so bad that it is
already in video, a mere four weeks after opening in theaters…to a grand total
of $53,000 at the box office.
Mister Roberts –
Pick of the Week is this classic 1955 Henry Fonda/Jack Lemmon/James
Cagnie WWII Pacific comedy/drama. If you’ve never seen it; rent it and thank me
Edition – 2 disc set of the 1991 Ron
Howard directed tear jerker.
Next week: All the
King’s Men, Flyboys, Jackass Number 2, Fearless
Upcoming Biggies (click on
the hyperlink to view the available trailers).
October 6th - Scorsese’s latest with the Cast To Die For. Jack
Nicholson, Matt Damon, Leonardo DiCaprio, Mark Wahlberg, Martin Sheen, Alec
Baldwin, and Ray Winstone in a story about a cop (Leo) who has infiltrated the
mob, and a mobster (Damon) who has infiltrated the cops.
Man of the Year: October 13th
– Robin Williams as a Jon Stewart type commentator/comedian who runs for
President as an Independent to shake things up…and wins.
Flags of Our Fathers: October 20th - Director Clint Eastwood’s tale of the men
who raised the flag on Iwo Jima.
The Prestige: October 20th
– Christopher Nolan (Momento) directs Hugh Jackman, Christian Bale, and Scarlett
Johansson in a turn of the century mystery about two magicians. This one has
some great early buzz.
Lucky You: October 27th
Eric Bana/Drew Barrymore movie centering on the Poker Craze and the World
Series of Poker.
A Good Year: November 10th
- Ridley Scott’s latest with a kinder, gentler Russell Crowe and a plot line
revolving around a vineyard. Crowe and booze…always an interesting combination.
Casino Royale: November 17th
- Daniel Craig in his first appearance as 007. Good early buzz on this one.
The Fountain: November 22nd
– Hugh Jackman as a 16th Century Conquistador who finds the real
fountain of youth and spends 1000 years searching for a way to save his love.
November 22nd – Denzel Washington in a Tony Scott time travel
Rocky Balboa – December 22nd
– Adrian!!!! I want to watch Matlock!!!!
The Good Shepherd – December 22nd – Robert Di Niro directs Matt Damon,
Anjelina Jolie and himself in a tale of the early years of the CIA.
– December 25th – Big budget adaptation of the Broadway musical with
Beyonce, Jamie Foxx and Eddie Murphy.
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