I need a nap. Pretty much my normal comments sometime between 4 and 5 AM if I'm actually up that late. Although the phrase "aren't there any more beers?" also tends to get spoken during those times as well.
Evidently, this show needed a nap as well, and I think it definitely took one this week, as it was the slowest one I remember. No real action, and lots of scenes with lots of people that I couldn't care less about (read; JV, FSO, and FOM).
I'm just hoping that this is the Calm Before the Storm, and thing ratchet up next week in anticipation of the two hour finale on May 18. In the meantime, the SnarkDrive was fully engaged by me this week.
Tony and his now Permanent Scowl have tied up the Patsy Brothers and are in the process of setting up their FrameMaker software (available at Hackers-R-Us locations everywhere). Tony removes the Worst. Duct. Tape. Ever. from Jiraan's mouth. Seriously...the guy had so much stubble on his face that as Tony ripped it off it should have given us some really cool screams as Jibraan went into his Steve Carell impression from the chest waxing on "The 40 Year Old Virgin".
Jibraan looks over the script and says "I can't do this." Which probably is heard every single week at first read through rehearsals as various cast members stare at their lines in amazement, having never before realized that the University of Phoenix DOES offer an online degree in "Writing for Television".
At CTU-Lite, Chloe's came up with a big bupkis on the Who Wants To Be A Terrorist Patsy audition list, so Jack decides that racial profiling would be an excellent idea, and asks her to target every Muslim in Washington D.C. I only hope the Carolina Panthers weren't playing the Redskins that weekend, because Mushin Muhammed would be toast. God knows he's too old and slow now to run away from anyone.
Janis objects...and is overruled by Renee. Jack sympathizes with Janis's political stance (anguished cries heard from the FoxNews desk), but challenges her to come up with a better idea that will work in the next hour. "Uhm....uh...hmm....nevermind."
Jack stumbles over another thought, which confuses Chloe. When she asks about it, Janis and Renee fill her in on the plans for a really bitchin' wake to be held in his honor in a few hours. Jack is confronted by Chloe, and lets her know that he has "a day...maybe two". Please don't tell me that this means they'll drag this shit out all of next season by picking up right where this one leaves off at 8 AM!?!? By the way, seeing Chloe tear up like that was a little bit unsettling. "Chloe" and "tears" are two words that normally go together like the phrases "Dawg Pound" and "No Alcohol".
Jibraan is reading his Achmed Manifesto (I'LL KEEEL YOU!), showing better acting skills than Hayden Christensen did in both of the Star Wars movies he ruined...er...appeared in. A short interruption from DC Police served as nothing more than a way to stretch out this episode to an hour, although it's already feeling like it's gone on forever...c'mon people....DO SOMETHING!
Two minutes later, Jibraan's paper trail has been discovered by Chloe. How Convenient!TM What are the chances that those two cops that just knocked on the PatsyDoor will recognize Jibraan when the APB goes out? What are the chances that I'll be snarky in a recap?
Just when I thought this episode couldn't get any more boring, Martin the GayHitManFinder shows up at Olivia's office. The First Slut tells Martin GHMF all the bad things about Jon Voight (including his appearance in "Bratz: The Movie"...which really should be enough for the death penalty). After the obligatory "do you REALLY want to go down this road" question/lecture results in Olivia answering "are Pittsburgh Steelers fans fond of farm animals?", Martin nods his head and gets to work.
And I now think I can officially say that I'm longing for earlier in the season, when we were just dealing with the First Old Man and his search for The Truth about his son...it was so much more riveting than this sub-plot. Of course, that's like saying that Irish food is so much tastier than English cuisine.
Are there more than two working FBI agents in the entire damn country? If so, why is it that Janis has to take time off from her important task of blowing her nose on the Constitution to babysit JV with the federal marshal? I know there's a recession going on right now, but you'd think they might be able to hire one or two additional extras for this. Hell...put Sean the Snake in a phony beard and glasses and pretend he's another agent. It's been so long since we've seen him, I'm sure we've all forgotten what he looks like anyway.
Jack and Renee show up at some mosque that they think is a sleeper cell for terrorists...due to the fact that they totally took the Blue Man Conspiracy Group's bait. Jack vents his spleen until it almost comes out of his body to pistol whip the Iman Gohar, who won't tell them where Jibraan lives. He doesn't have to, as Renee gets the call that those two DC police recognized Jibraan from 15 minutes earlier. Oh. My. Gawd. Who would have seen that development? Jack adds illegal detention to this year's rap sheet, as he decides to take the Iman with them.
Jibraan agrees to tell his brother that he's a terrorist so they'll spare his life...which gets him a full loogie to the face from Hamid. By the way, is it me, or does Hamid look about as much like a Pakistani as Elijah Wood does? Damn...if that kid was any more pale, he could have a role on the next "Twilight" film. In any event, Tony, FakeTricia, Jibraan, and another soon-to-be-dead associate take off, leaving Hamid at the apartment with another soon-to-be-dead associate so that Lil'Bro can spill the beans on what a sleazoid his big brother was once the attack is carried out.
Or spill the beans to Jack and Renee once they arrive. I wonder which is more likely to happen?
The First Slut gets read to send $250,000 to the hit man...whoa!...she should have called Detroit or Stuebenville, they're a lot cheaper, especially with the economy right now (not that I'd really know that...just talking about something I hear fourth or fifth hand...please don't take offense, Lou the Polite from Warren). Cute how they hovered over the word "Execute" instead of "Send" for the transaction, which she then cancelled. But she can't get a hold of Martin, which probably means he'll go through with the killing and then be really pissed off that he doesn't have the money, and will consequently go after FSO. And this would bother me because????
Chloe calls Jack, as she has figured out the whole Patsy Scenario, telling him that all of the "evidence" was just put in 30 minutes ago, along with an order to Dominos for those really unappetizing pasta bread bowls. Jack has some MAJOR crow to eat in front of the Iman. Luckily, he has some Texas Pete with him to make it go down a little better (it also works great on pouring on open wounds of terrorists he's interrogating). Iman Gohar gives Jack a little sermon on forgiveness...which might take a lot more than just Texas Pete to get Jack to swallow.
Just when I thought this episode could not get any more tedious...we get a re-appearance of the First Old Man. Who the Hell was that idiot who was earlier saying that he missed him? (I don't know, but I wish that jerk would keep his mouth shut because he was just smacked upside the head by the Be-Careful-What-You-Wish-For-Fairy). What a happy reunion! It was a very moving performance by all three of them. I was moved to reach for an industrial strength bottle of Maalox.
The Tedium Continues.
Another scene with JonVoight lamenting his Witless Protection fate to the most boring federal marshal in the world. "Robert Tibbet? It sounds like a dog breed". Yeah...but for you, I'd rather come up with another one, a "Hollywood SceneKiller". JV manages to smuggle one picture of his wife and daughter as he gets in the truck...just before it Blows Up Real GoodTM Wow. They were really strict on that "no contraband" thingy, weren't they?. Actually, that was some pretty impressive work, figuring out what SUV they were going to use, and putting a bomb in it within 20 minutes. I'm lucky if I can get an oil change in an hour, and these guys can pull this off?
I'm just hoping that he's really dead, because there is no way...nooo waaayyyy (channeling Buford T. Justice)...that I want to see Voight's smug face around for the rest of this, or any other season. And if this can take First Slut Olivia down...that'd be even better. Wild Tim takes this week's Captain Obvious Award by telling the President that he thinks it is an inside job. Holy Sherlock Holmes' Retarded Brother, Batman! How'd you figure that one out?
FSO needs to work on her "I'm Not Guilty As Sin" face with Aaron. Because, let's face it, the man knows CrazyBitch like no other. Martin GHMF tells Olivia to meet him somewhere alone. Ruh Ro, Reorge! Personally, I hope Martin has better luck in knocking her off than DeadAgentBrian did in killing off the First Old Man.
Jack and Renee pull up to Casa De Patsy, and Jack and his Swine Flu need to take Hamid's captor alive. Unfortunately, no one thought to tell Hamid that, as he quickly breaks a mirror with his elbow, grabs a piece of it, and stabs Our Only Hope in the jugular vein. Looks like Hamid took that whole "What Would Jack Do?" thing a little too literally.
It appears as if the target will be the DC Metro subway system. At least the Kidron Kows will remain safe this time. No such promises for the DC Rats...either the types with four legs and a skinny, furless tail, or the types with briefcases.
Kim looks to be back next week. I'm hoping that means that Jack will get his cure by the end of the finale, and we aren't having this hang over us and carrying on to the next season. Because I'm really pissed that the Bauer Body Count has been stuck scoreless for longer than the Browns Offense at the end of the 2008 season (for you non-Browns fans out there...trust me, that's a pretty nasty insult).
It also looks like Tony gets captured by Jack next week. Again. I think this will be something like the fifth time this season? Elmer Fudd had a better track record with Bugs.
Some debate is being conducted on the boards concerning whether or not Tony might actually turn once again. I really don't see it happening this time. Tony's murder of a couple of FBI agents was the point-of-no-return to me, and I think it's about all over for him.
As I spent much of this recap bitching about certain annoying characters, I decided that it might be time to replace this week's obligatory moaning about the Bauer Body Count being stuck at 25 with a little something else:
Top 10 Most Annoying Characters in "24" History
Note that this is "Most Annoying"...not Most Despised, so you won't be seeing Charles Logan or Nina Myers here.
10. Henry Taylor - The First Gentleman and First Human Scarecrow was far outshone in this category by his daughter.
9. Audrey Raines - Just a little too much whining for my taste. Plus, she was just all wrong for Jack.
8. Paul Raines - Audrey's weasel-like estranged husband. Thought he might have been a terrorist, but in reality, he was just an aggravation. Actor James Frain is now still irritating people in the same manner as he plays Lord Cromwell in "The Tudors".
7. Kim Bauer. I don't care how gorgeous Elisha Cuthbert is...her actions in Season One and Season Two were enough to have you rooting for the Cougar.
6. Keith Palmer - David Palmer's ungrateful offspring. Got all of his common sense and charm from his mother, Lady McBeth Palmer (another person for the Most Hated List, not Most Annoying).
5. Adam Kaufman - Remember him from Season 3? He was the annoying CTU wonk who was always bitching about Kim getting the job through nepotism, and he also sparred with Chloe during her first year. Chloe's still there, and there is no sign of Adam. Don't feel too bad for the actor playing him, however...he's got a movie opening this week that you may or may not have heard of; "Star Trek" (Zachary Quinto).
4. Erin Driscoll - Not so much for her being another one of those bureaucratic pains-in-the-ass that we hate so much on "24", but mostly because that sub plot of the sick kid was one of the most boring ever seen (up until this year).
3. Olivia Taylor - Still has time to switch over from Most Annoying to Most Hated.
2. Morris O' Brian - That subplot with him and his drinking problem was enough to make me glad that I DO drink.
1. Janis Gold - Three out of the top ten is from this season. Is it because this season is still so fresh in our minds, or did they really just go out of their way this year to find people to piss me off?
Odds of Survival will return next week as we set up the finale.
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