I will give you fair warning that there will be more gratuitous, male chauvinistic, and politically incorrect statements in my recap...and probably in EVERY recap. Some people have asked me how my wife can deal with me being such a pig when it comes to figuratively lusting after Ms. Wersching and Ms. Cuthbert. Simple...my wife fully realizes that I am a four star General in NATO...No Action, Talk Only. My snide comments to her about "replacing her with a younger model" are almost always met with a derisive "go ahead and try" (or her laughing hysterically). Sigh...it's no fun to be totally figured out by your spouse and having your rantings totally dismissed as trivial and harmless...but on the other hand it's quite comforting as well.
In the opening credits, we see Special Guest Star Elisha Cuthbert!!!! I like this episode already. Hopefully she brought her cleavage with her (see? Told you I'm a pig. Deal with it).
Tony calls Jack and Renee, wondering why the President called off the airstrike. Rather than just taking the Rush Limbaugh approach by calling her a gutless cowardly traitor, the three of them try to rationalize it out. Before they hurt their brains concentrating too hard, Tony notices fuel truck pumping RP-7, which can only be used to power surface to surface missiles. Or to make a really bitchin frozen margarita. I guess maybe Tony IS a rocket scientist. With this new knowledge, they formulate a quick, decisive plan. Jack asks Tony if he has any C-4 on him. Tony answered "yeah" with the tone of "of course I do...what kind of a idiot do you take me for?" After all, what self-respecting renegade operative doesn't always have a few spare canisters of C-4? All the better to blow some rocket stuff up real goodTM with, my dear.
Wild Tim relays to the President that the Joint Chiefs have about the same opinion of her that Rush has, and wonders what the deal is. Allison tells him that JonVoight is on his way over, but doesn't mention anything about the WMD rockets threatening to make three East Coast cities into 28 Days Later, Parts 3, 4, and 5 (let's hope they're all better than the second one). Allison also asks Wild Tim to keep JV's impending visit as hush-hush as possible. Good idea. In that line, may I recommend not breathing a word of it to the First Spoiled Slut? (Olivia's new name after video-taping herself boinking a slimy reporter last week).
Jack calls up the President, and being that he IS Jack Bauer, he gets her to TELL THE TRUTH! She's worried about the risk of defying JV by leaving Tony there to try to plant the charges. Then after she thinks about it for a second, she bluntly asks Jack how long he has to live, and he answers that it's probably only until the Nielsen's start really tanking...er....another couple of hours. "I guess there's nothing I can really threaten you with. I'm sure you'll do whatever you think is right". Heh. Jack explains the non-approval approval to Renee, and then has to call in the UPS Whiteboard guy to draw a detailed picture for her as the Clue Phone wasn't quite ringing. Once the light bulb goes off, she's on board as well.
Today might be the day I stop using the derisive derivative of Empty Suit to describe Larry. For when Renee calls up for help on the unauthorized-wink-wink-action at StarkRavingWood, he tells her that he doesn't have a problem with it. Given the little speech Jack gave Tony on the heels of Larry's rediscovered testicles, I'm wondering if one of them might be getting ready for the Bill Buchanan Memorial Sendoff. We'll know shortly, as Tony gets the drop on the obnoxious leader of the mercenaries, and has him get him into the fuel dump. (Yes, I really did write this before seeing the end).
JV and GrIgor (damn...why didn't I come up with that one before?) enter the Oval Office, with JV rambling on like a senile old fart (which he really is, so I guess that shouldn't be a surprise...just boring). JV issues his demands...which basically consists of allowing StarkRavingWood to become the fifth branch of the military, with JV serving simultaneously as Secretary of Defense, Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, and General Manager of the Washington Redskins.
Just as I've complained about all season, this was an absolutely illogical and non-realistic scene. JV plays the part like Hodges really does believe that everything he's done is completely normal and rational, and it's so over-the-top stupid that it's nearly unwatchable. To expand my speculation from last week, image Hodges being Ian McShane and having him go into that meeting as if he were Al Swearengen negotiating how to split up the prostitution and gambling profits in Deadwood. THAT is the level of "I'm an evil bastard, but I'm not an idiot, and I can plan my way through this" mentality that is so missing from Brangelina's estranged daddy.
Tony plants the charges, takes Captain Mercenary back up topside (instead of shooting him), where he gets jumped by the other merc who was faking still being out cold (Jack should have taught Tony that sleeper hold). Tony drops the detonator, and Capt. Merc hits the alarm, causing the Chief Mad Scientist to start the launch sequence. THE CLOCK IS TICKING!!! But just seconds before they launch, Tony reaches the dropped detonator, and it's Crispy Critters time in the Mad Scientist Bunker! (Just once, could they stop a countdown with say...1:42 left on the clock? Or is that against the by-laws of the Writers Guild?)
AT LAST! We have a worthwhile scene with JV...the scene where he's arrested after the President gets news that the bioweapons have been destroyed. Of course, JV still can't do anything more than a weak-assed Jack Nicholson impression as he tries to go all Col. Jessep on the President. I was half expecting him to threaten to "rip her eyes out and piss in her dead skull". Instead, he does the only thing he can do as someone who's storyline has ran out with six and a half hours left to go; he tells her there are other forces involved.
And Mitch breaks out into the Hallelujah Chorus, which truly frightens his dogs, and they immediately run to another room for safety (the singing nuns with flash cards YouTube clip I have is much better).
Jack gets the congratulatory call from the President (without even winning the Super Bowl), but just when he's asking the President to forgive Tony, he staggers, and forgets what he was saying (and Freud's Ghost gives a smirk), showing the first sign of dementia. The next sign will be if he willing goes over to a TV and turns on "Are You Smarter Than a Fifth Grader".
After finding Tony, Larry calls up Renee, and is just starting to have a heart-to-heart conversation with her when she cuts him off due to Kim Bauer arriving. Oh. My. Gawd! Would you believe it!?! Kim's no longer in Los Angeles, and therefore was available to get up, dressed, and into FBI headquarter at 1:40 AM. Talk about a Lucky Break!
Needless to say, Jack is NOT a happy camper when he finds out. We then get a very good explanation for Kim being in DC...one that I won't snark about. Seems she was at the Senate hearing that started this season out, hoping to meet up with her father, having flown in from LA to do so.
Wow. Don't I feel like a big jerk now for being so sarcastic about Kim getting to DC.
So if I was wrong about this being something that couldn't logically and realistically being explained, maybe I've been wrong about everything else. Maybe Jon Voight can act. Maybe it hasn't been laughably ludicrous for most CTU heads/Jack mentors to die. Maybe my jaded viewpoint of the world has been dragging this country down further than it needs and if I would just embrace the light, reject snarkism, and try to always see the good in writers, producers, and actors, this world would be such a better place.
However, that was an excellent scene between Jack and Kim, very powerful, hanky grabbingly emotional, and overall, just well done, with some of the best acting we've seen this season. Therefore, I feel that making any snide comments would be inappropriate. Jack and Kim both pour their feelings out about regrets and missed opportunities, but showing the deep love between a father and daughter that remains no matter what.
Kim walks away per Jack's request, but I'd say it's a near certainty that she's going in to give her stem cells, because the next plot turn is taking place when one of the remaining StarkRavingWood mercenaries (named Galvez) kills a couple of FBI agents in the processes of smuggling the last container of the bioweapon.
Larry quickly calls up Renee, who then needs to get Janis to help her track the stolen FBI vehicle. Yeah...Janis "helping"...I can see where this one is going. Once again I must demand...WHERE THE HELL IS CHLOE?
The baddie quickly pulls off, forcing the chopper with Larry and Tony to follow...which quickly earns the pilot an exploding brain. In the gun battle, Larry gets hit, and as Tony tends to him, Larry sees Galvez approaching and tries to warn him about the bad guy approaching.
Nope...did not see that one coming. And if you needed me to write any more after my final expletive, you obviously didn't watch the show (and why read these recaps if you haven't?)
OK, I did figure that Larry was going to die at some point, but I never, ever pictured Tony doing it (and in the same way that Tony Soprano did in Christopher Moltisanti...coincidence?)
Tony can't be working for JV. If that was the case, he had numerous chances of sabotaging the missions, and certainly wouldn't have gone through with blowing up the rockets and most of the weapons. So who does he work for? More than likely, it would be the Higher Ups that JV alluded to after he was arrested.
So does the Blue Man Conspiracy Group yet live? (See last season's recaps).
Come to think of it...we really didn't see Philip Bauer die on that oil platform at the end of last season.
Bauer Body Count
25 and holding. I'm beginning to think that Jack's total of 48 from last season is going to be untouchable.
Odds of Survival
In Memoriam: Larry Moss...one of the most yo-yo characters they've ever had, but it was still sad to see him go.
Galvez (50:1) - Tony's new tagteam partner. Should have known something was going on with him when he first talked about "going to re-check something".
Tony (25:1) - Is this is final switching of sides? This jumping back and forth between loyalties is starting to remind me of people from Eastern Ohio that just recently started rooting for the Steelers (until the Browns start winning again).
Jon Voight (20:1) - Killed (I hope) by some of the Higher Ups he was alluding to.
GrIgor Seaton (10:1) - Probably just going to share a cell with Sean the Snake, playing bitch to someone named BillyJoeBob.
Janis (8:1) - Even die-hard Liberals want her to die.
Kim (2:1) - We know that she ends up helping Jack. But the "slight risk" he was talking about? Could that be the device they use to write her out of the series?
Aaron (1:1) - Maybe the FirstSpoiledSlut tries to seduce him, and he blows his own brains out.
Jack (1:1,000,000,000) - Those numbers almost resemble the ERA of the Indians Starting Rotation.
The Milk Carton
Have you seen me?
The Diekembe Mutobos - Still on the plane
Chief of Staff Ethan - Still cleaning out his office
Sean the Snake - Still an incarcerated snake
First Old Man - Still boring the hospital staff to death. But I guess he's just fine now, as his wife hasn't bothered calling him or trying to see him...or even mentioning him, now that I think about it.
Chloe O'Brian - Still pissing me off by not running things.
VP Hayseed - Still inconsequential.
Sister Ironside - Still waiting for that cab ride.
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