While I'm already on record as saying this season is better than the last couple, I do have to say that Jon Voight's villain has been the weakest and most cartoonish they've ever had. For the rest of them, while they are all evil, they are at least somewhat believable. Eurotrash seeking revenge (Victor Drazen), Middle Eastern terrorists (Sayed Ali, Habib Marwan, Abu Fayed), South American drug lords (Hector Salazar), or Eurotrash looking for money (Stephen Saunders, Vladimir Bierko, Dmitri Gredenko),
They've had a few corporate baddies before (Peter Kingsley, Philip Bauer), along with the assorted low lifes willing to do anything for a buck, but Hodges is different in the fact that you really can't tell what his motivation is. What's he trying to accomplish? Even with his own little private army, he cannot possibly defeat the entire U.S. Military. And since he's now known to the President...what's he really want? For her to hand over power to him? None of it makes any real sense, but hopefully it'll start getting a little clearer next week when he meets the President (but I'm not holding my breath).
Before the previous scenes portion of the opening, we're warned that this that this show contains Sexual Situations!!!!! I think they could use this warning every week, as the concepts of logic and cohesive plot devices get royally screwed each show.
JonVoight come rolling up onto the Mexican standoff our heroes have gotten themselves into, and he immediately starts devouring scenery like he was Sean Rogers at the Golden Skillet. After pontificating to Larry about the evils of the United States Government (and possibly auditioning for a spot as Glenn Beck's co-host), he gives Larry, Tony, and the rest of the Cannon Fodder five minutes to leave. They could chose to stay and fight, in which case they'd very much resemble the Michigan State Spartans in Monday night's game against North Carolina.
Five minutes? Why, that may not-so-coincidentally be enough time for Jack and Renee to figure something out back at FBI HQ. Remember BoardRoomDougie from two weeks back? The guy I immediately placed near the top of the Death Pool? OK...I almost didn't remember him either, but be that as it may, he was working with Senator DeadRed Mayer on getting the goods on StarkRavingWood, so he's the next contestant on Who Wants To Be A Sacrificial Lamb?
Moss creates a diversion by punching the smarmy Gergy in the face...and I somehow don't think that being hit by a fist is going to be the worst thing that happens to Gerg in the immediate future. The diversion is about as transparent as Otter saying "Hey, Greg...look at my thumb!"...but like the moronic Mr. Marmalard, the entire GoonPlatoon looked, and Tony was able to slip away to continue being Jack's Action Proxy.
Tony meets up with BR Dougie and calls Jack for support...but Jack's too busy working on his Michael J. Fox impression by shaking uncontrollably ("wow...only took you five paragraphs before you hit rock bottom...and then started digging a sub-basement", says my wife/proofreader. She'll get over it).
Jack shakes it off and gets on the phone with the President, suggesting a surgical air strike. Too bad none of the four star generals in the Joint Chiefs could have come up with that little idea. But what would you expect from a group who didn't have any problems in allowing a private military base to be built five minutes away from the nation's capital? Personally, my definition of "surgical" might more in line with the "surgery" Jack once did to Chase's arm...In other words, something to the effect of "reducing the entire campus to cinders".
Ken, the slime ball reporter, calls Olivia, and tries to blackmail her into revealing what's going on with the Joint Chiefs regarding stories he's hearing about Weapons of Mass Destruction...threatening to go public with the fact that the First Spoiled Princess manipulated her way into the White House by forcing out the Chief of Staff. She agrees to meet him at his hotel in 30 minutes. Yes, it only takes five minutes to get from the White House to Alexandria, but to go five blocks to a five star hotel for a booty call? 30 minutes.
Tony and Doug are trying to track down the building where the weapons are stored. And for some reason, this leads to a very satisfactory bitchslap of Janis...who is getting way too many lines in this show. Janis tells Tony, who needs "electronic support", (is that anything like a digital jock?) that his com device has an "R6 Interface Module" on it. "It's a card key" she tells him. "Yeah. I know what that is", Tony responds in a tone that I normally only hear from Chloe. Rah! But since Janis is no Chloe, it's taking forever for her to crack a five digit code that Mrs. O'Brian could have cracked using the calculator app on a Casio wristwatch. But since Janis must have missed that class along with the Blowfish training, Tony is about to be discovered by a patrol unit. Doug buys Tony some time by doing what Board Chairmen do best; flaunting his position to the hired help. Evidently though, the hired help must have thought Doug said that he was the Chairmen of the Board for AIG, and he takes Doug into custody...which does give Tony the time needed to get into the building.
Now all they'll need is for Jack to ID the canisters, so President Taylor can channel her inner Maximus and state "upon my command, unleash Hell!" But that may be a little hard to do as Jack goes into full convulsions. My guess is that he inadvertently caught a glimpse of another commercial for "The Day the Earth Stood Still", and immediately went spastic when thinking back on how much that movie sucked. I know I certainly did.
Olivia is at Ken's room, where she blabs absolutely everything. To a journalist. Way to earn that Top Secret security clearance! Ken then does what any self respecting maggot would do...he threatens to run with it anyway, lives of innocent people be damned...unless Olivia has sex with him right then and there. Sure...why not? It's not like she had anything urgent to attend to anyway. So here I am; trying to hold down dinner while wondering how it's possible to lock lips when you are both made up of slime. Please pass the Brain Bleach.
The doctor gives Jack a shot to stop the shaking, telling him he can self-medicate every two hours with additional injections. Myself? I was self-medicating with some Crown Royal after having to endure that scene with SlimyKen and FSP. The doc also comes up with some Miraculous News! There are some studies going on nearby on just the kind of problems Jack is having. All they need are some stem cells from a relative. BINGO! I was wondering how they were going to write Kim into this year's script, and there you have it. Of course Jack doesn't want his daughter involved. Besides, doesn't Kim live in Los Angeles? That would sure take a long time to get her to Jack. If only there was some slight chance that she's living near Washington now. But what are the odds of that?
I'm still not sure why Jack wouldn't want to see her. Now if I was given the choice of having to see my ex-wife or dying of some horrible virus...I might have to think long and hard on that one. But a chance to see Elisha Cuthbert? (warning: extremely male chauvinistic and gratuitous photo link...well someone has to pick up the slack now that John Hnat's not giving us the "Boobie Meter" on his Cavaliers articles). What's to debate in that choice? Renee confronts Jack on the issue, with Jack making it pigheadedly clear that he doesn't want to talk to his daughter. You don't think Renee would go behind Jack's back and work with Chloe to bring Kim in anyway, do you?
A couple of guards are checking out the building Tony entered. And it just so happens that the only door they enter once inside the building is the exact same door Tony used. Bad luck for them, as Tony snaps one's neck and goes Dave Zastudil on the other's face. Which gives him the opportunity to snarf some body armor and an automatic weapon. My only question was; since he had no qualms in killing the first, why didn't he just go ahead and kill the punt victim as well, rather than risk him waking up and blowing his cover?
Tony gets on the elevator with the Chief Mad Scientist, and then just strolls around the entire area, getting the pictures for Jack. I can't even so much as smuggle a flask into a college game, and Tony can sneak in electronic gear into a highly classified building? Something's just WRONG about that. Jack verifies that it's the same stuff that gave him the heebie-jeebies he's now experiencing, and relays that info to the President. So given that there is about to be a boatload of ordinance falling down upon him, it might be time for Tony to remember that one of his great-great grandparents was French, and run like Hell out of there.
JV rushes back to the corporate office, probably on a turbo-powered Segway, and confronts Dougie. After spouting off for a few minutes like a villain out of a James Bond movie chortling about ruling the world, he decides to protest Doug's lack of beverage selection by taking an empty bottle and clubbing him over the head with it, and then throwing him over the railing...taking the Eye Rolling Over the Top Award for this season. I could have sworn that I saw Dougie fly over a Shark Tank on his way down. JV then tries to use some water out of a really expensive ice bucket to get some of the blood splatter off from his shirt. I wonder how many times they had to shoot this scene, as I'm sure Jon couldn't help himself, and kept blurting out Lady Macbeth's "Out, Damn Spot!" monologue.
Meanwhile, Donald Trump was re-winding it, thinking he has a new idea, combining "Celebrity Apprentice" with "Celebrity Death Match", where he does this exact same thing each week for whomever he fires. Given the fact that this year's "celebrities" include Joan Rivers, Andrew Dice Clay, Dennis Rodman, Tom Green, and one of the Kardashian Sluts...I might actually pay good money to watch that.
As we come back from break, we can do the math and see that it took about 15 minutes for FSP to get undressed, have sex, and get most of her clothes back on. Without washing up. Yech. (Ah...the memories of college days!) Afterwards, Ken still tells her that he's going to run the story. Where's that bottle when you need it? Nope...don't need it, as Olivia is into home porn movies, and taped the entire thing...threatening to go public with it...including to SlimyKen's wife. So nice for her to be considering Mrs. SlimyKen now that she's done committing adultery with her husband. Talk about Mutually Assured Destruction. Especially since it will probably end up on the Internet within the next three hours. Can Aaron Pierce just open the door now and shoot both of them?
Knowing that an attack is on the way, JV huddles with his League of Extraordinarily Evil Gentlemen to devise a plan. Just a few minutes before the Air Force blows the place up real goodTM, JV calls the President on a private, secure line and tells her that he's got three of the WMDs loaded onto rockets, aimed at U.S. cities. He demands a private meeting with the President, which of course must be agreed to...or else. President Taylor rushes into the War Room and cancels the attack.
And William Shatner clicks off his TV with the words, "Jon...dood...dial the overacting back down a bit, will ya'?"
I really wish Allison would have waited first to find out what three cities were to be targeted. Given my leanings as a sports fan, had I heard that it was to be Pittsburgh, Baltimore, and Detroit/Ann Arbor...I may just have said..."bring it on".
Please bring Chloe back in as soon as possible!
So where are they going for the next seven hours? I've got to say that this season has me guessing about "where are they going to go next" more than any other in recent memory. We now know that Kim will be coming back and will provide the means to save Jack for Season 8 and The Movie, but when will this happen?
One final point in what has been my worst week of Jon Voight bashing (so far...I make no promises about next week). When I look at this character, I think of how it would have been so much better had someone like Frank Langella or Ian McShane played the part of Hodges. Subtlety in these types of evil roles plays so much better than ham-it-up theatrics.
Bauer Body Count
25 and holding. Hard to shoot people when you're hands are shaking. Although it reminded me of the scene in "Blazing Saddles" when The Cisco Kid holds up his right hand. "Steady as a rock", states Sheriff Bart. "Yeah, but I shoot with THIS hand", he says as he holds up a left hand shaking like Lindsey Lohan after three lines of blow.
Odds of Survival
Thrown off the list: BoardRoom Dougie
Greg Seaton (100:1) - I may get more pleasure out of this snake being gutted than JV's near-certain demise.
Jon Voight (50:1) - Hopefully he chokes to death on some of the scenery he keeps chewing.
Tony (25:1) - He may be taking Jack's place in leading the action, but he's not DeathProof like Jack.
Empty Suit Larry (20:1). I'm not sure that he'll make another assault team run.
Janis (8:1) - Chloe needs to fire her like JV fired Doug.
SlimyKen (5:1) - I actually doubt we'll see him again...but I like to have a few names up here anyway, and I'm running out of legitimate suspects.
Aaron (4:1) - I'm now thinking that he'll just blow his own head off rather than continue to work for Olivia.
The Milk Carton
Have you seen me?
The Diekembe Mutobos - Thank you, Carmen, for pointing out in an email last week that I totally forgot them. Unbelievable oversight on my part. Probably half-way back to SomeGala right now, thinking that civil war there would still be preferable to being inside the Beltway.
Chief of Staff Ethan - Got played by Olivia worse than he did by Andy Dufrasne.
Sean the Snake - Snoring loudly in the holding room while waiting for his lawyer.
First Old Man - Snoring loudly in the hospital bed while waiting for his sponge bath.
Chloe O'Brian - Leave Prescott to his bedtime and get your sarcastic ass back to work!
VP Hayseed - Not even considered important enough to bring into the White House to discuss the bombing run on StarkRavingWood
Sister Ironside - Still waiting for that cab ride.
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