I have a few points from last week's show and recap that must be addressed before continuing, all courtesy of Gary Benz. You may think of Gary just as the hardest working writer in all of TheClevelandFan-Land, but behind that serious investigative reporter exterior is a 24-loving geek whose mind might be just as twisted as mine ("doubtful", sez the Better Half).
First of all, Gary disagreed with my statement that President MuleHead was about to let 15,000 Browns fans die last week, stating that "to the extent any residents of Kidron or Sugarcreek or even New Philadelphia have television sets, they're glued to Steelers games during the fall". Now I know it's been quite a few years since I lived in lower Ashland County, Ohio...but I didn't realize that the Inbred infestation had reached that far west.
I am also obligated by law to say that since Gary IS the legal owner to the rights of Farm Film Celebrity Blow Up and the likenesses of Big Jim McBob and Billy Sol Hurok, I should have used the TM symbol last week when I said that Michael the Chief Nerd blowed up real goodTM.
I also failed to mention that another perimeter was breached last week, as Col. Debaucle slipped right out of one again at the Terrorist-Gate Hotel and Office Complex (and onto public transportation...bus pass or change?). But I'm really thinking that this was an offensive attack and not a defensive perimeter. In either case, like the Browns, they suck on both sides of the ball.
Gary finally brought up the point of no one ever snacking or eating on 24. This, for once, was not an entirely original concept, as I made comments last season about the fact that no one every sleeps, eats or uses the bathroom for 24 straight hours. Or else they do it in the 10 minutes it takes Jack to drive 40 miles across L.A. or D.C. But as far as snacks go, Gary does mention that they are missing a great chance for a natural product placement. Red Bull would be a perfect pitch here. Or No-Doz when FOM is on screen.
Col. Debaucle looks at a TV set as President MuleHead tells everyone that the threat is over and the U.S. can no longer be harmed by "these people", and that the invasion of SomeGala is ON! WHO-AAHHH! Hubris is a horrible thing. This is just like me bragging about what a great shot I made with my driver, when I should know damn good and well that tempting the golf gods like that is pretty much going to guarantee me chili-dipping the approach shot. But this isn't about me...it's about the First Old Man. What a shame. Because sure enough, Debaucle expects the woman who was willing to let thousands of Ohioans die rather than delay her attack will change her mind when it comes to hubby. And sadly...I'm betting he's right.
Dikembe Mutobo, Jack, Renee, and Bill make their way to the White House, using the transporter beam that Chloe heisted from Mr. Scott during a drunken stupor. Dikembe tells the President how Jack's Posse was responsible for him being alive, but the President is not convinced and wants to know "what the hell is going on". I'm not sure if she's talking about the CIP-36 Exploding Country Module or Bill's overuse of mousse on his rad ‘do.
Jack Explains All...not quite as well as Clarissa Explains All, but you get the drift. So does the President when Jack, Bill, and Renee tell her that they have to keep working undercover, without notifying the FBI or Homeland Security.
And then this scene gets interrupted with the whole stupid deal about the First Old Man being a hostage, as Debaucle calls up the Prez threatening to send FOM back in little pieces. And then shows that he means it by having his goons go all Black Rain Yakuza on FOM's finger. ("should the chicken be eaten with the fingers? No, the fingers should be eaten separately").
Ethan then gets news of the events back at Room-Temperature-Samatha's apartment, and evidently CSI:DC have already been there, analyzed the scene, and determined that Almost-Room-Temperature Agent Brian slipped the paralyzer Mickey Finn to FOM, which proves to Ethan that Jack was right about the corruption. Eat your heart out, Horatio Cane.
Ethan counsels the "temporary" halt of the SomeGala invasion. Brilliant! Too bad this flash of genius didn't happen...or, maybe two hours ago?
OK...major credit time. President MuleHead at least is not President Hypocrite MuleHead. She's not willing to give in on this matter either. So it's up to JackCo to find FOM before the deadline. Which happens to be 4 PM. Which happens to be the end of this episode. How Convenient!TM But after Jack volunteers, the Prez asks where his "loyalties really lie". Jack is wounded to his soul by that vicious comment. "With all due respect, Madame President, ask around", Jack pouts. Jack pouts?!?!? There's no pouting in 24! Maybe there is...because she gives him the go-ahead.
Jack and Renee go to the Lincoln Bedroom...no, wait...that wasn't it. How about the Nixon Plot Room? There Jack tells Renee that they have to access A-R-T AgentBrian's phone records. He then says something unbelievable. He tells Renee that he doesn't think Chloe can do it herself. Blasphemy, I say! So Renee suggests Agent Moss...having to basically tell Jack that she knows she can trust him because she's been shagging him the past few months.
Larry answers his cell phone and hears, "Hi, Honey! I'm not dead! But you can't let anyone know." I guess he'll have to find a good excuse as to why he just wet himself. I was expecting him to faint like Helen Hunt did when she found out Tom Hanks was still alive four years after his plane crashed in "Cast Away"...especially since I think Larry might have more estrogen in his system than Helen (and I'm not insulting Miss Hunt). However, Moss won't help them unless he knows Renee isn't doing this under duress, so they agree to meet in a really public place were all the moles and spies in Washington can see them. Brilliant!
Break time. And it's another commercial about "Watchmen". It's gonna be rough waiting another three weeks for that.
End of digression. The next commercial will be brought to you by Strattera, the prescription for Adult ADD.
When we come back from break, we get an Erica the Skank sighting. Which also means we have to deal with Sean the Snake, who is busy bitching about the CIP device being disabled by someone other than them...and "he doesn't like it". Get. Over. Yourself. Looks like he's also blowing off Erica...who gives a look like she's just figured out that she was only a one-night-stand for a married scum bucket. I'm sure she's shocked, SHOCKED! that a married man would behave that way afterwards. Janis then wanders over and totally busts on the Snake for being...well, a snake.
Moss meets up with Renee and Jack, giving them the information on Agent Vossler. Jack immediately comes up with the idea of threatening to injure Vossler's wife and infant to get him to talk. Moss and Renee give a WTF?! look when Jack mentions threatening a baby. Wusses! Jack dresses them down, and like whipped puppies, they meekly agree to go ahead and Renee will get the pipe wrench and blowtorch and head on over to get medieval on a woman and baby. I'll make the popcorn!
But there was still time for one last pontification from Moss to Jack about how Jack had lost everyone who had ever been close to him due to always "doing what was necessary", and that Larry wasn't going to let Jack turn Renee into that type of person. "Are you going to give me the keys or not?" sniffs Jack. Totally dissed, Moss tucks his tail between his legs and heads back to FBI HQ.
Back at Debaucle HQ, the Big Bad Guy interrupts his comments on how to best staunch the bleeding of an amputated knuckle by taking a call from his unknowing (about sooo many things) girlfriend Marika. She nags him about making it to dinner...and I just about fall asleep. Then they bring in another stupid sub-plot where Marika's wheelchair-bound sister whines about how she knows Debaucle isn't really a "Samuel". "I'm sorry, I don't have time for this", says Marika. Couldn't say it better myself. That's why they put a fast-forward button on the DVR.
Ethan and Bill talk to the President, and convince her to at least pull back the ships a bit, which would only mean that the missiles they start lobbing will have to be re-calibrated. Let's just hope NASA isn't in charge of that, or they may hit Seattle. They also recommend getting around the whole turning over of Dikembe thingy by using a look-alike. I'm guessing they get D.L. Hughley...he really doesn't have much work right now anyway.
Renee shows up at Casa de Traitor, and immediately scares the excrement out of Mrs. Traitor and the baby...who is now crying enough to make ME want to shoot him ("oh no, Mitch...ai...you didn't just go there, did you? Oh, you'll be smoking a turd in Purgatory for that one, laddie", says the voice of Father Shamus in my head). Meanwhile, Jack's needing to do some nifty wrong-way-on-a-one-way-street driving to intercept Vossler. And by "intercept", I mean t-boning him with a big-assed SUV.
Jack gets Vossler into a hallway, and when he predictably won't give up FOM's location, Jack predictably calls Renee who makes everyone there believe she's about to torture a baby. Vossler caves. Mrs. Vossler calls Renee a monster. Renee looks like she'll need some serious couch time with Dr. Melfi when this whole thing is over.
After Vossler gives up the intel, Jack gets distracted by a civilian, and Vossler's puny Special Forces training kicks in...which gets him killed...of course, as they are no match for Jack's Extra Special Forces Training. It also gets Jack's ribs bashed in a bit. Five to one odds that he won't even be grimacing next episode.
Jack speeds to the HowConveniece! Store, while telling Renee about where FOM is located...and that little detail about Vossler joining Agent Brian in the Next-Life-As-A-Cockroach Club (for you Karma believing Buddhists out there). Renee chokes up, and Jack tells her that no one would blame her if this was "too much for her to handle". She says that she thinks she is about to step out of it all...and if you believe that, you also were the type that nodded your head in agreement with all of Romeo Crennel's excus...er...reasons for why the Browns stunk on any given week.
As Debaucle prepares to go pick up DaPseudo Mutobo (sung to the tune of "Hakuna Matata"), he first gets a call from Sister Ironside, who lets him know that SHE knows that he's not who he says he is. Just what we need. Debaucle will of course juuustttt escape Jack's clutches, and then he gets to threaten a cripple. On the way, I'm sure he'll toss a bag of kittens into the river as well.
Debaucle gets a call from his goons at the power plant who tell him that no one will get out of the car...which tells Debaucle that he's been played like cheap violin. So how does he respond? By waving buh-bye Pseudo Mutobo. Because we haven't seen an RPG take out a stretch limo yet this season.
Jack and Renee get the counter clerk at the HowConvenience!Store to let them in the Secret Clubhouse. Luckily, the secret hideout has a brick wall right inside the doorway that is missing numerous bricks, giving Jack a perfect enfilade position WITH cover. How Con...ah, skip it...you get the point.
I'm not sure why Renee tried to climb down the from the top of the staircase, as it just got everyone's attention and started the firefight. Five on two...those poor suckers had no chance whatsoever. Jack takes out four to Renee's one, with Jack doing a great hook slide to get in position to kill the last one just before he shoots FOM.
GET AN AMBULANCE!!!!!!
That was a surprise ending, I must say. It's been a long time since we've had that kind of shock...probably since Edgar got gassed.
So there I was watching Jack do his slide to get into shooting position, and I'm thinking how funny it would have been if he'd done a Paul Blart: Mall Cop, and skidded short of getting in position.
We get the FBI mole revealed next week. Leaving the White House mole still to be found...and probably the CIA mole, the DC Police mole, and the National Endowment of the Arts mole. Knowing that it's coming so soon, I'm really going to be changing my odds this week.
Bauer Body Count 13. Vossler and the foursome at the HowConvience!Store bring him up to a much more respectable Baker's Dozen.
Who Is The Mole?
Wild Tim Guarnere - White House Mole (odds - 2:1). I'm thinking that it's pretty much GOT to be him. Ethan is the only other one, and if that had been the case, he would have blown the whistle on Jack.
Janis Gold - FBI Mole (odds - 4:1). They are just going too much out of their way to point at Sean the Snake, which makes me think they'll go in another direction. Also, remember that last week I was talking about the Chloe/Janis faceoff that was supposed to happen in the February 16 episode. The signs seem to be pointing in that direction.
Erica the Skank - FBI Mole (odds - 5:1). If it isn't Janis, it's got to be Erica. As mentioned in a previous recap, the writers have never been that kind towards home wrecking hoes.
Sean the Snake - FBI Mole (odds - 10:1). But then again, sometimes it IS the most obvious person.
Chief of Staff Warden Ethan Norton - White House Mole (odds - 10:1). Maybe he is the mole, and realized that he couldn't risk outing himself this week.
Agent Moss (odds - 25:1). Nah...he's just too whiny and simple to be the mole.
Odds of Survival
Col. Debaucle (1,000:1). He's not going down anytime soon, though. I'm guessing by about episode 18.
Marika the Waitress (100:1) Normal fate for the women that get in this situation.
Sister Ironside (50:1) Don't challenge the manhood of kitten drowning badasses like Debaucle
Tony (25:1). Didn't see him this week. I'll probably be repeating that line for the next six weeks.
Sean the Snake (10:1). Maybe we can get lucky if Janis or Erica are the moles, and they'll kill him first..
Wild Tim Guarnere (10:1). If the FBI mole gets killed, I'll change these odds as I doubt both moles die.
Janis (10:1). I'm really looking forward to next week's show to see how this ends up.
First Old Man (5:1). Remember last week when I had his odds at 1:1, and said, "I couldn't be that lucky". Be careful what you wish for.
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