“When you open a can of whoop-ass, Jack Bauer jumps out."…
OK, it did have a little twist at the end that wasn’t exactly shocking, but it wasn’t like the rest of the episode and telegraphed worse than a Kyle Boller pass.
I also read an blurb on how the producers of “24” have “heard what the fans are complaining about”, and are vowing to make next season much better…in particular avoiding doing the same damn thing over and over again. Let’s hope so.
Nadia is talking to Jack, and informing him that the Heller-copter just took off with Audrey, and her daddy is getting a restraining order against Jack. Oooo…I bet he’s scared! Let’s see; how many laws has Jack broke in the past 20 hours? Think a piece of paper is going to stop him?
Maybe not, but for now, Nadia stops him. Jack wants to go along with Doyle to the copper plant in Bloomfield, but she won’t let him. Of course she won’t. Since she’s sending out the entire frickin’ military team to the site, that would leave CTU defended just by a bunch of Budd Security Guards…and Jack. But no one would really anticipate an attack going down at CTU.
Soap Opera Alert! One last time (yeah…I wish) we delve back into the ongoing malarkey of “As the Stomach Turns” (apologies to Carol Burnett). Morris and Chloe are still talking about the breakup…and I’m not listening. Even when Morris talks to Milo about it, I’m rattling things around in the kitchen looking for another beer. Milo also catches Nadia giving Doyle a “come ravish me” look, and he isn’t happy. I think he’s starting to develop a migraine. He should take something for it.
We have a Milk Carton Report! Marilyn and Josh Bauer have actually been sighted. Still at CTU, and finding sleep to be a terribly overrated thing, Josh is watching television coverage of the earlier bomb blast, and he tells his mother how ashamed he is of his father and that he wished he’d never been born into such a “sick family”. Marilyn attempts to comfort him by telling him that he’s nothing like Graem. Yeah…no kidding. But the revelation of the easiest answer ever to “who’s your daddy?” will have to wait until later. For now, Marilyn also gets to finally talk to Jack, who tells her that Audrey is actually alive (DAMMIT!, her eyes say), but really, really, really screwed up in the head and taken away from him (“HAH, I have a chance”, say the eyes). She promises to be there for Jack when it’s all over. Sounds like she has something important to tell him. Wonder what it could be?
In Washington, the Ice Princess Slutlisa is getting set up for her spy games with Bishop. Lennox has loaded her PDA with false information regarding the recovery of the component, and she needs to find a way to get herself out of Bishop’s sight long enough for him to download the misinformation. Slutlisa is nervous, and isn’t sure she can do it. “You had no problem lying to me for over a year” snarls Daniels. Damn, he wants to wring her neck. Or maybe it’s just gas…you can never tell with Powers Boothe, because he always has that scowl on his face.
Back in LA, Doyle and the boys better hurry up, because Those Chinese Bastards!!!® are wanting to hit “the target” in fifteen minutes. The good guys get ready to invade the plant…failing to notice a certain clue that should have told them something…as in, the fences were chained FROM THE OUTSIDE. See, guys, if TCB!!!® were trying to keep someone OUT, the padlocks would have been on the INSIDE of the fence. As they weren’t, that might have been the first clue that they weren’t there. The second clue was the fact that no one was there once they got in. Doyle calls Nadia with the news, and wonders what TCB!!!® are up to, considering there are lots and lots of empty boxes that would indicate they are ready for “a major assault”.
But where? Hmmm…just maybe…and call me crazy for suggesting something this outlandish…they might be wanting to go after a place that easier to get into than Paris Hilton’s pants (thanks for the line, Swerb). Oh. My. Gawd. I was right! Blind squirrel; meet acorn.
But before we can get to that climax, we have another climax to worry about, as the Ice Princess Slutlisa re-enters the No-Tell Hotel with more wires than Commander Data. She gives Bishop the Worst. Kiss. Ever. and then tries to excuse herself for a quick shower. No such luck, as LoverBoy is horny, and it looks like the guys in the truck get to watch some porn tonight. I give it twelve hours before the video is on YouTube.
Sorry, this isn’t HBO, so we need to go away from that for just one more glimpse into the banal lives of boring people. Morris and Chloe: “I’m ashamed of myself” – Morris. So are millions of others. Nadia and Milo: “I don’t know what I’m feeling” – Nadia. I’m not sure about right now, but in about five minutes, it’s going to be everlasting guilt.
Now that we’re through with that, back to the action. And unfortunately, there seemed to be some writer’s block going on, because the only thing they could come up with was to re-hash some old Bruce Willis movie about a lone law enforcement agent trying to rescue a bunch of civilians held captive by a diabolical madman.
Jack hears the gunfire, and quickly convinces the Rent-A-Cop to open up the door. But curses! Jack doesn’t have a gun. No problem, as within seconds there is one that’s no longer of any use to the guard that had opened the door for Jack. With the handgun, he quickly dispatches a couple of bad guys, and then gets a firearm upgrade. I could swear he also took the bad guy’s blood and wrote on the shirt of the corpse “Now I have a machine gun. Ho-Ho-Ho”, but maybe that was just the Jagermeister talking.
As the main batch of TCB!!!® invade the central command post, Zhou-Hans Gruber demands to know who is in charge. As Nadia quivers (remembering this part from the movie), Milo steps up and Alexander Haig’s his way into not joining the group for the rest of his life. Poor Milo…never stood a chance. His position as “love interest threat” to Nadia was bad enough, but after self assuming the title of “Head of CTU”, you just knew he’d be joining Mason, Chappell, McGill, Almeida, and Dressler.
So I guess we’ll now see Morris kidnapped again for his “expertise”. But surprise! They are after Josh Bauer! Luckily, Jack gets to the lounge in time to shoot a couple of them, and escape with Marilyn and Josh. Jack manages to stop a ventilation fan and get Josh into the vent works when more TCB!!!® burst in, and Jack must surrender (since his machine gun is what’s stopping the fan).
Jack and Marilyn are brought back into the main room with the others, where Zhou-Hans Gruber has discovered that Nadia is actually the one in charge, so he has her answer Doyle’s call to assure him that nothing is wrong (and you could tell that Doyle had a feeling something was up). He also gets on the intercom and tells Josh that if he doesn’t come out in ten seconds, he’ll shoot Marilyn. Lightweight. The original Hans Gruber would only give three seconds.
In any case, Josh gives himself up, and Zhou-Hans calls Cheng to let him know they have the boy. Cheng then calls our old buddy Phillip Bauer, who is busy repairing the component. He tells Cheng “I’ll give it to you when you bring me my grandson.”
We’ll have to wait until next week to hear Jack say “Yipi-ki-ay, mothertrucker” (or something to that effect).
Looks like Phillip is not repairing the component due to a threat to Josh, but rather getting Josh was the price he’s making Cheng pay. From the previews, looks like Phil’s got most of his portfolio tied into China stocks, and he’s about to make a new life for himself and Jack’s son…er…Phil’s grandson over there.
I’m also speculating from the previews that Slutlisa fails in her attempt, and the major threat of the last three hours will be averting a war with Russia. As stated last week, that’s the dumbest idea they’ve ever had…if Suvarov actually existed, he’d be saber rattling with China, since THEY are the ones that are about to get Russian secrets. Instead, he wants to make the job easier for them, by entering a war against the US that would weaken Russia (if not destroy them), allowing China to treat them like the Cavs did the Washington Wizards.
Best Scene: Die Hard with a Copyright Infringement!
Jack Bauer Bad Guy Body Count: 31. Only five TCB!!!® before Jack lost his gun…but there will be plenty for him next week.
Life Expectancy: Unscientific wild assed guesses on how much longer certain people will still be breathing and the chance they have of living through the day. 3 hours to go (two shows, so the last one will be a two hour special).
Mark Bishop – 1 more hour. Slutlisa goes Praying Mantis on him after he discovers her plans. Chance of living through the day? 25%
Zhou-Hans Gruber – 1 more hour. He’ll get Josh to Cheng, and then get shot in the neck by Jack. Chance of living through the day? 5%
The Ice Princess Slutlisa – 1 More hour. She might kill Bishop. She might get killed by Bishop. Daniels may scowl her to death. She may die trying to get back to her mothership. (Wait, that was from the “nobody watched it” series “Invasion”). Chance of living through the day? 50%
Morris – 2 more hours. They still could knock him off, but after his revelations this week about his shame, I’m convinced he’ll do some type of heroic move next week to save Chloe and redeem himself in his own eyes . Chance of living through the day? 90%
Phillip Bauer – 2 ½ more hours. Off the milk carton and back into full creep mode. Jack can’t kill him, but I bet Marilyn can. Chance of living through the day? 10%.
Cheng Zhi – 2 hours, 45 minutes. Which will leave 15 minutes to have a “wrap up” and the inevitable end-of-season twist (Hello, Charles Logan!). Chance of living through the day? 0%
Off the List
Milo – Not quite the bummer we had last year when Edgar bought the farm.
CTU Agent Johnson – Lost, and not missed.
Mike Doyle – Now that Milo’s played the CTU sacrificial lamb, it’s cleared the way for Doyle and Nadia to die next year as Season Seven’s Tony and Michelle.
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