So much for my claims that
last week’s releases were any good. “Borat”, as expected,
held on to the top spot. The unusual thing is that no new release
broke the top three. And if you can’t beat out the horrible
“Santa Clause 3”, then you are really in bad shape.
As far as no-brainer predictions
go, it’s pretty certain that “Casino Royale” will be the top movie
this weekend, with “Borat” still going strong in second place.
For me? Let’s see…Ohio
State/Michigan on Saturday (with pre-game festivities/drinking beginning
Friday night), and the Browns/Steelers on Sunday. Looks like I’ll
be Bonding on Monday.
News & Rumors:
~ Add the Romanian village
of Glod to the list of dumb asses wanting to sue Sacha Baron Cohen for
“Borat”. Seems the villagers didn’t have a clue they were
being filmed to stand in for a crappy little village in Kazakhstan,
and aren’t happy with how they were portrayed. They join the
drunken, racist frat boys from South Carolina, the driving instructor,
the humor coach, the etiquette teacher, and the Dinner Party guests
at being so upset as to sue or contemplate suing. And for each
additional news item that shows up on air or in the papers, Cohen rakes
in a few more million dollars of box office receipts. I’m waiting
now for the bear’s relatives to file suit.
~ Christopher Walker will make
a cameo appearance as Ozzy Osbourne in “The Dirt”, a biopic of the
band Motley Crue. This is just too perfect, and requires no other
~ I really, really hate mentioning
Tom Cruise in anything other than ridicule…but…His Whackedness’s
first movie as the new head of United Artists sounds promising, “Lion
for Lambs”, another multiple storyline film to be directed by Robert
Redford (who will also act) and featuring Meryl Streep. Tommy
will play a Congressman Cruise (Democrat – Loon-ville), who interacts
with a journalist (Streep), an idealistic professor (Redford), and two
soldiers wounded in enemy territory (a psychiatrist’s office?).
~ So there is a story about
Kristanna Loken, T-X in “Terminator 3” confessing to a hot and heavy
love affair with “Lost’s” Michelle Rodriquez. And my reptilian
level brain stem goes “woo-hoo!, where are the home movies?!?!”
(If you see me with a black eye next week, you’ll know my wife read
~ Macho football star Emmitt
Smith; Dancing with the Stars Champion. Just shoot me now.
~ O.J. Simpson; Sixth Degree
Blackbelt Douchebag. Just shoot him now.
~ And in the Jeopardy! Category
of “Things I don’t give a shit about that gets way too much press”
for $1,000; the answer is “Show one more ‘Special Report’ about
it, and I will throw a heavy object through my television. The
correct question is “What is Tom and Katie’s wedding”.
This week’s new releases:
Title: Casino Royale
Starring: Daniel Craig, Eva
Green, Judi Dench
Plot: The origins of
how James Bond became 007.
The BeerBuzz: Craig might
be the Best Bond since Sean Connery. While I liked Pierce Brosnan,
the simple fact is that Bond is better when he’s more of a brooding
hunk than a pretty boy with an edge. Craig goes back to the nastier
roots that Sir Sean employed in his portrayals, without getting so morose
that he bores you to tears (like the gone-but-not-lamented Timothy Dalton).
Back to Basics with a lot of things in this one…more violence and
less cartoonish gadgets (an invisible car? C’mon!). I’ll
let you know what I think next week.
Starring: The voices of Elijah
Wood, Robin Williams, Nicole Kidman, Hugh Jackman, and Brittney Murphy.
Plot: (Imagine the voice
from that movie-guy announcer on the trailers and the Geico commercial)…In
a world where penguins sing with glorious voices to find their soul
mates, one is born without the ability to sing…but he can dance.
The penguin’s name? Kevin Federline…er…Mumble (Wood).
The BeerBuzz: Family
picture of the week, and one that might rival “Cars” as the highest
grossing animated flick of the year. Great cast, and the addition
of Robin Williams to any animated feature is always a plus…it’s
only when he’s doing a comedic role in a live action film that he
Title: Fast Food Nation
Starring: Greg Kinear, Catalina
Sandino Moreno, Wilmer Valderrama
Plot: A marketing executive
of a large fast food chain travels to a Colorado town housing the packing
plant for his company. His mission? Discover if cow manure
is getting into the burgers. Yum!
The BeerBuzz: There are
two movies released this week that are really going to suck. And
it isn’t the two I’ve listed prior to this one. Not even cameo
appearances from Bruce Willis and Avril Lavigne can help out this steaming
pile of b.s. (yeah, I know it’s a cheap and easy shot…but I just
had to do it).
Title: Let’s Go to Prison
Starring: No one that will
be missed when their careers go down the toilet after this bomb.
Plot: A career criminal
and a rich snob are brought together in a maximum security prison.
Hilarity, gay sex jokes, and toilet merlot jokes ensue!
The BeerBuzz: For those
of you that think “Borat” is too high-brow, that “Little Man”
isn’t juvenile enough, and that “Jackass 2” doesn’t feature
quite enough humiliation and stupidity…this is the movie for you.
New DVD Releases on
Tuesday, November 21st
Ice Age: The Meltdown
– Brilliant marketing! Right after you get done doling out thirty
bucks or so to take your kids to see some talking animated animals in
a frozen environment, you can turn around on Tuesday and spend another
twenty for a video featuring some talking animated animals in a frozen
environment. For the movie itself…the first one was “eh”,
and this one is “eh-Lite”.
You, Me, and Dupree
– Owen Wilson’s 356th movie where he plays a clueless
Scoop – Woody Allen
was making great movies again with “Match Point”, and this one stars
Hugh Jackman and Scarlett Johansson, so it’s got to be good, right?
In the words of Lee Corso, “not so fast, my little friend”.
It could be that Woody is back to making rotten movies…or it could
be the Hugh Jackman Curse (see also; X-Men 3, Van Helsing, The Prestige,
and if you listen to the rumors…The Fountain).
An Inconvenient Truth
– According to the Democrats, if you don’t watch the movie, the
whole planet will die and it will all by YOUR fault!!! According
to the Republicans, if you watch this movie, you are a communist dupe,
and you want Osama Bin Laden to murder your beloved aunt!!! According
to Libertarians, if you watch this movie while smoking several joints,
you’ll swear Al Gore looks just like that guy who invented the Internet.
Next week: Déjà Vu, Bobby, The Fountain, Deck the Halls
(all to be released Wednesday, Nov. 22)
Upcoming Biggies (click on
the hyperlink to view the available trailers).
Apocalypto: December 8th – Mel
Gibson’s latest controversial movie filmed entirely in a dead language,
this one focusing on the decline and fall of the Mayan Civilization.
Blood Diamond – December 8th – Leonardo
DiCaprio, Jennifer Connelly, and Djimon Hounsou have various reasons
to search for a priceless diamond in Sierra Leone.
Eragon – December 15th – Swords
and Dragon fantasy with Jeremy Irons. The inner geek in me is
looking forward to it. But then again…lame attempts to rip off
Tolkien will totally draw my wrath.
December 22nd – I’ll admit it…the trailer makes it
look much better than Rocky IV or Rocky V.
The Good Shepherd – December 22nd – Robert
Di Niro directs Matt Damon, Angelina Jolie and himself in a tale of
the early years of the CIA.
– December 22nd – Another uplifting movie with football
as the backdrop…this one about the attempts to rebuild the Marshall
football program after the tragic 1970 airline crash that killed 75
players, coaches, and staff.
Dreamgirls – December 25th – Big
budget adaptation of the Broadway musical with Beyonce, Jamie Foxx and
The Good German – December 25th –Oscar
contender from Stephen Soderberg starring George Clooney, Cate Blanchett,
and Tobey Maguire in post WWII Berlin.
of Men –
December 25th - New release date for the futuristic Clive
Owen and Julianna Moore film about a world where women can no longer
get pregnant, dooming mankind.
Attempts at Blockbusters (most dates are nothing more than educated
guesses at this point).
Zodiac – Jake Gyllenhaal
and Robert Downey, Jr star in the tale of the Bay Area serial killer
Letters From Iwo Jima
– Clint Eastwood’s follow-up to “Flags of Our Fathers”, showing
the Battle of Iwo Jima from the perspective of the Japanese. (February)
Hannibal Rising –
Tale of how the young Hannibal Lecture became the cretin we all know
and love (February)
Ghost Rider – Nicholas Cage turns into a motorcycle
riding superhero with a flaming skeleton head. (February)
The Number 23 – Mystery
Thriller with Jim Carrey and Virginia Madsen. (February)
Shooter – Political
thriller with Mark Wahlberg as a sniper trying to stop an assassination.
Reign Over Me – First
major fictional piece dealing with the effects of 9/11 on the families,
starring Adam Sandler (against type) and Don Cheadle (March)
300 – Frank Miller adaptation of the
Frank Miller graphic novel about 300 Spartans defending Greece from
the entire frickin’ Persian Empire. Filmed in the same style
as “Sin City”. (March)
Grind House – Two
one-hour short horror stories, one from Robert Rodriguez, the other
from Quentin Tarantino. (April)
Spider-Man 3 – The webslinger versus Venom and
Shrek the Third –
Justin Timberlake as young King Arthur. Gulp (May)
Pirates of the Caribbean:
At the World’s End – Captain Jack goes for the hat trick (May)
Ocean’s Thirteen –
Will someone please stick a fork in this franchise? (June)
Fantastic Four: The Rise
of the Silver Surfer – No way does this film get completed by
this date (June)
Live Free or Die Hard
– John McClane strikes again (probably with his walker) (June)
Harry Potter and the Order
of the Phoenix – My wife and daughter will be there the first
The Bourne Ultimatum
– Superspy Jason Bourne (Matt Damon) is back and looking for his roots
Get DirectSatTV to follow your favorite Cavs action.