Written by David Regimbal

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According to agent Trace Armstrong, the Ohio State University has hired two time national champion coach Urban Meyer to be the head coach of its football team. The shocking and unexpected news has sent ripples through the college football world with many caught off guard by this recent development.

“I just can’t believe it,” one Ohio State student who requested anonymity said after the news broke. “It was like I’ve been living a nightmare for 11 months and Jim Bollman was my chubby Freddy Krueger. I guess Urban Meyer is the big breasted teenager who somehow found a way to kill him.”

The Ohio State Buckeyes just finished its worst regular season in over a decade on Saturday after falling 40-34 to rival Michigan, completing a 6-6 campaign that left many unsatisfied. While rivals and other Big Ten members laughed at the 2011 version of Ohio State, the Urban Meyer hire has changed their tone.

A gravy soaked Brady Hoke was reached for comment, “They what? They hired a football coach who knows how to run an offense? Well... damn it.”

Urban Meyer is considered one of the best coaches in college football. The Youngstown native started his career at Bowling Green before taking over the Utah football program. After unprecedented success with the Utes, Meyer joined the Florida Gators and led them to two national championships in just five years. Meyer has a 10 year record of 104-23, but health concerns and a desire to spend more time with his family fueled an early retirement from Florida.

Needless to say, Gator fans aren’t happy, “This is outrageous, what a load of crap!” one lifelong Florida fan said. “Meyer left our school in the hands of Will Muschamp and Charlie freaking Weis! That’s like expecting a Northerner to make good chili or allowing your last meal to be watched by Charlie freaking Weis!”

A press conference announcing Urban Meyer’s arrival at Ohio State is expected shortly. Stay tuned for updates.

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