Written by David Regimbal

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Swisher (The Pessimist)

Details regarding Nicholas Swisher’s past are hard to confirm -- but we suspect he was born at some point between the 1995 World Series and the 1996 NFL football season. His hobbies include trolling message boards, emotional eating and visiting neighborhood parks to tell children that there’s no point in anything, ever. He’d tell you that he’s most proud of covertly peeing in Figz’s shampoo bottles over the past two years, among other things.

Favorite Quote:

“Figz is an ass.”
-- Nicholas Swisher

Defining Sports Moment:

Too many options, but if he had to pick one, he’d pick ANYTHING THAT HAS HAPPENED TO CLEVELAND SPORTS, EVER!