Written by David Regimbal

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If you’ve been hiding from the Internet (or getting your sports information from ESPN), you probably haven’t heard about the enormous atomic bomb that was dropped on the University of Miami last night.

Nevin Shapiro, a former University of Miami booster (who is imprisoned for his role in a 930 million dollar Ponzi scheme) has spent the last 11 months carefully planning the inevitable death of the Miami football program with Charles Robinson and Yahoo! Sports. The details of the scandal, as lush and bloated as the arrogance of the program itself, rival (if not surpass) the rampant string of infractions and violations SMU committed in the 80’s.

As a booster for Miami from 2002-2010, Shapiro showered players (72 (!) of them) and coaches with illegal benefits. At first glance, there appears to be four major bylaws violated during this stretch. Bylaw 11 (impermissible compensation to coaches), bylaw 12 (compromised amateurism of college student athletes), bylaw 13 (improper recruiting activity), and bylaw 16 (extra benefits to athletes).

It’s honestly a challenge to wrap my arms around the enormity of the allegations, but here’s my best shot to summarize them:

• Prostitutes. Shapiro provided hoards of hookers and prostitutes for Miami football players, paying them to do things that would bring shame to their parents. It started in 2002, where Shapiro would rent hotel rooms with a large group of prostitutes for Miami football players to fornicate with and whatnot. Shortly after, Shapiro purchased a yacht and moved the tawdriness to the sea -- arranging more personal, secluded hookups with whores for the players.
• Night Life. VIP rooms in dance clubs and strip joints were frequently paid for by Shapiro, who then invited his friends at “The U” to party (mainly football players, but some assistant coaches also got in on the fun). Shapiro would spend thousands of dollars on alcohol and lap dances for the group.
• Dolla Dolla Bills, Y’all. If he wasn’t just handing players wads of cash, Shapiro would set up bowling, pool or fishing competitions with cash prizes for the winner.
• Oprah-Like Gifts. Need a tailored suit for the Heisman ceremony? No problem, Willis McGahee. Need plane tickets for your girlfriend to attend the Heisman ceremony with you? No problem, Willis McGahee. Need a television for your room? No problem, Andrew Williams. Need a freaking engagement ring to propose to your girlfriend? No problem, Devin Hester. Need a gourmet dinner and night on the town? No problem... everyone else.
• Bounties. Shapiro set up nice little goals for his friendly football players: Say Willis, if you can rush for over 200 yards against Florida, I’ll give you $1,000! Hey Devin Hester, if you score a touchdown and then get an excessive celebration penalty called against you, I’ll give you $1,000! Check it out Jon Vilma -- if you can injure the opposing quarterback, I’ll give you $1,000! 
• Shady Agents are Shady. Shapiro pointed football players who had NFL aspirations to a business partner of his, Miachel Huyghue, to be their agent. Two first round picks, Vince Wilfork and Jon Beason, went with Huyghue.
• Ain’t NO Party Like a Yacht or Mansion Party. Players had an enormous amount of access to Shaprio’s 1.2 million dollar yacht, in addition to two mansions he owned in South Florida. They would often throw parties at all three locations, which Shapiro would pay for.
• Coaches Wanna Chill Too, Ya Know. 10 coaches and staff members from the University of Miami either participated in, or had direct knowledge of Shapiro’s infractions. Both football and basketball staff members have connections to this, which is likely what makes this whole story worse than what happened at SMU.
• A Freaking Abortion. No, that’s not a joke. I wish it was. Somewhere between 2002 and 2010, Shapiro paid for a “dancer” to have sex with a player (who obviously went unnamed, because this goes beyond ridiculous to the point where you just want to hug someone and say it’s gonna be alright, even though everyone knows it’s not). A few weeks after the night at the strip club, the dancer reached out to Shapiro and informed him that she was pregnant. Without telling the player, Shapiro gave the dancer $500 to have an abortion.

Part of me wanted to do the thing where I list the violations, then include one that was completely made up so you could try and guess which one wasn’t true. The list above eliminates that as a possibility.

If you want to go deeper into this sea of infractions, Yahoo! has put together the entire list of players and coaches that Shapiro provided improper benefits to in a nice, neat little pile for you in the article that I linked to above. Each individual page profiles the player or coach like a infraction/violation baseball card.

Oh, and an entertaining side note -- when you check out Kellen Winslow baseball card, you can read about how he  wrecked one of Shapiro’s jet ski’s into another boat. That’s probably the most believable thing in this whole article, amiright?

Anyway, goodbye Miami -- it was nice knowing you.

Follow David on Twitter @davidreg412