Written by Lars Hancock

---

Terrell Owens has made a lot of bad decisions in his life. This is an unfortunate and incontrovertable fact. He has the mental stability of a North Korean dictator, and possesses the intelligence and wisdom of a medium-sized turnip. He once cried because someone was insulting his quarterback, insults that proved to be definitively true, and insults that were suspected to be true when Mr. Owens so emotively denied them. These qualities led Govbarney to select him with the #3 overall pick in the 1st Annual Misconduct Pool Draft.

So imagine the Govbarney's excitement as he lay awake listening to his police scanner (as all of us do these days) when he heard the LAPD were being called at 4:30 AM to remove one Terrell Owens from the porch of a yet-unknown woman. Was Mr. Owens drunk? High? About to commit a crime? In the process of a crime? Running from a crime? The drama was as thick as Bernie Kosar's lisp.

Apparently Mr. Owens has been on said woman's porch for approximately three hours, banging on her door with a yet unknown purpose. Was he longing for a lost love, or had he squandered all his NFL riches and was attempting to get this woman her double pepperoni and anchovy pie, demonstrating the commitment to excellence in customer service he demonstrated as an NFL wide receiver? We may never know.

What we do know is that knocking on someone's door in Los Angeles from 1:30 to 4:30 AM is apparently such a normal occurance that it is not an arrestable offense. The officers asked Mr. Owens to leave, and he did, peacefully, which in itself was a bit of an upset. And just like that, Govbarney's 20 point arrest, and the assured 20 point bonus for resisting arrest went poof into the morning smog of L.A. like Kayser Sose.

The pool still remains scoreless, but this situation merits watching in the near future...