In a surprising move guaranteed to excite overly enthusiastic sci-fi dorks and depressed Cleveland sports fans alike, the Browns have hired popular film/television producer and director J.J. Abrams as their new head coach.

“It’s very exciting to have J.J. aboard leading the charge as we set off on our sixth reboot of the series in the last 14 years,” said Browns owner Jimmy Haslam. “J.J. is the perfect man to helm this latest reconstruction. Beyond having such great instincts as a filmmaker, he has an intuitive understanding of the state-of-the-art special effects and cinematic slight of hand that will be necessary to make this team watchable.”

The announcement comes just days after Disney revealed that Abrams will direct the first of its new series of Star Wars films. Both Disney and the Browns are hoping Abrams can rescue a once-proud franchise that plummeted into disgrace and began colossally disappointing fans in 1999.

“Let’s face it, mistakes have been made,” Haslam said. “The Browns had Tim Couch, Star Wars had Jar-Jar Binks. The Browns had Mike Holmgren, Star Wars had midi-chlorians, whatever the fuck those are.

“Consequently, both franchises have stayed afloat financially by incessantly trotting out memories of the good old days to cover up their painfully obvious current defects and rekindle the loyalty of their desperate fans who - let’s face it - will spend money on anything associated with the franchise no matter how pathetic it gets.”

While admitting there’s much work ahead, Abrams is excited about the opportunity.

“To be part of the next chapter of the Cleveland Browns, to collaborate with Jimmy Haslam and Joe Banner and whichever back-slapping buddies he’s handed out jobs to, is an absolute honor,” said Abrams. “I may be even more grateful to the Cleveland Browns for their incompetence than I am to George Lucas for his.”

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There are any number of ways to look at the upcoming Super Bowl and the local and national media won't tire of trying to tell you what that should be. But really if you're a Browns fan is there any other context than to look at the participants and use them as a benchmark for how far your team has to go? Didn't think so.

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On Feb. 2, the 46-member selection committee for the Pro Football Hall of Fame will meet to vote on this year’s class of inductees.

And there is a chance that the unthinkable may happen when the group gets together in New Orleans – they may actually vote Art Modell into the Hall of Fame.

Modell falls under the category of “contributor” and, if elected, will join 19 other men in that category, among them George Halas, Lamar Hunt, Art and Dan Rooney, Curly Lambeau, Pete Rozelle and Ed Sabol.

According to the hall’s website, the selection committee is “charged with the vital task of continuing to be sure that new enshrinees are the finest the game has produced.”

In no way does that describe Modell and, if the selection committee ignores how he stole the Browns from Cleveland and votes him in, the Hall of Fame would be better off shutting its doors forever.

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Real life, without fail, forces us all to do something that we don’t want to at some point in the day, almost on a daily basis.  Those inconvenient obligations could be work, could be family, and could be fairly basic life functions, depending on how lazy one might be.  One thing that most, if not all, of us are rarely forced to do is turn on the TV and view something that we don’t enjoy.  Yet, I’ve tuned in for NFL playoff games, Baltimore Ravens playoff games every weekend since we turned our calendars to 2013, hoping for the best; I expected and received the worst.

Like cockroaches, they just won’t die.  It isn’t the football team itself that bothers me, they’re not the Steelers.  It’s the story lines, which I’ve managed to avoid as much as possible.  Supposedly, the man coaching Baltimore is kin to the man coaching San Francisco, so that’s a thing, but a thing we could probably tolerate on its own.  From the aging linebacker, who has simply become a parody of himself with his own melodramatics to the stories of two bodies he hurried away from in Atlanta a lifetime ago that everyone just wants to forget, I’m not enjoying what I saw on the telly.  At the end of the day, all of that stuff matters, but not as much as those Art patches and the building in Canton, where no statue of the name on that patch exists.

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