So there my girlfriend and I were on Thursday night, watching the Steelers play the Eagles, curious to see how the PIT Offense looked after their off-season changes, curious to see if Willie Parker was going to be decent for Fantasy Football (not interested in Big Ben - he went undrafted for 20 rounds in our 10 team league - even the two Steeler fans refused to draft him).
Ben was standing on the sidelines after his horrendous interception, and this conversation took place:
Girlfriend: What's wrong with his face?
Me: He was in that motorcycle accident.
Girlfriend: But I thought he was OK.
Me: He is OK. But his face was messed up - they had to do some serious plastic surgery on it.
Girlfriend: He looks weird.
Me: Yeah - it's like his cheeks are stuffed.
Girlfriend: He looks like a chipmunk.
Me: Well, he has been known to have nuts in his mouth.
I laugh. She stares at me like I'm a six year old. Silence descends upon us as we watch more of the thoroughly enjoyable game.
Me: Now I've got that damn song stuck in my head.
Girlfriend: Which song?
Me: (singing) We're the chipmunks. C-H-I-P-M-U-N-K...
Me: He looks like
Girlfriend: Well, isn't Theodore the fat one?
Girlfriend: I think it's the teeth more than the cheeks. His teeth look fake.
Me: I think they are. They were knocked out in the accident.
Girlfriend: He should've gone to a better dentist.
Girlfriend: It's funny you should mention that. There's this one girl at work that's a Steelers fan, and she has the worst teeth I've ever seen. She'd almost look better without them.
Girlfriend: I thought you told me the old saying was - when in
Pittsburgh , screw your sister.
Me: That also applies.
Girlfriend: I’m kind of surprised you hate the Steelers fans so much. They actually stuck up for the Browns when Modell stole them away.
Me: Yes, that’s true. The Browns were gone for 3 years – so I gave the Steelers fans 3 years of good will after the Browns came back. Those 3 years have since passed, so it is OK for me to go back to hating them again. But I have a certain special disdain for Ben.
Girlfriend: Why is that?
Me: Because I think he’s the beneficiary of chance and good fortune. If he played for almost any other team, he would suck ass.
Girlfriend: He won a Superbowl.
Girlfriend: Good point.
I drink a beer. My girlfriend smokes a cigarette.
Girlfriend: God, I’m sick of looking at him.
Me: Yep. You’re a handsome man, Ben Roethlisberger.
Girlfriend: Good thing he’s rich. Otherwise he’d never get laid.
Me: Yeah, but he’s getting laid by
Pittsburgh women. Have you seen the women in
I go over to the computer and Google “Pittsburgh Girls”. These darlins’ pop up.
Me: You almost have to pity the poor men in the greater
Girlfriend: No wonder they fuck their sheep.
Me: Good point.