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The Fantasy Football Manifesto
The Fantasy Football Manifesto
Fantasy football has absolutely exploded over the course of the last decade. Once a game with just a niche following, it is now estimated that 40,000,000 people nationally own a fantasy football team of some sort. Shockingly, Dave Kolonich is not one of them. He's been asked several times this year to get in a league ... but he refuses to do so until some changes are made. And today, he unleashes his manifesto for fantasy football change to our readers.
Over the past few weeks, I have been asked to join roughly four fantasy football leagues. And, not coincidentally, I have come up with the following excuses for declining such offers:
1. I don't have a computer.
2. I don't endorse gambling.
3. I can't add numbers to other numbers.
4. I only follow one NFL team.
5. I can't accept a world in which a God could allow such cruelty...which is kind of a cover-all type of excuse that gets me out of several social situations.
6. And speaking of cruelty, it turns out that
is a fantasy football expert.
Actually, I try not to reveal my overwhelming disdain for fantasy football - which of course is
a total lie
In the end, I cannot allow myself to partake in an activity that cheapens the skill and effort shown by NFL players by relying on a stat-driven sense of worth. For example, how many playoff games did the likes of Drew Brees and Jay Cutler win last season? Not surprisingly, the answer is much lower than you would initially think.
While fantasy football further rewards the likes of ESPN addled minds who only focus on the box scores, while continuing to ignore the merits of higher quality and more valuable players - Call it the Anti-Shaun Rogers Effect - I again must state my protests towards such a bastardized practice.
Until the following items change regarding fantasy football, I cannot and will not participate. So, without further pause, and in reflecting the age of Obama, here is my manifesto for fantasy football change.
Number One - I Can Draft Whoever I Want...At Any Time.
For example, the next time I am invited to join a fantasy football league, I must insist that I am able to draft nothing but running backs. I want a running back playing quarterback, wide receiver and probably even running back. You say that's against the rules? Screw you. That's my fantasy.
Number Two - Only Winners Shall be Rewarded
Let's just say that Drew Brees throws for 580 yards and seven touchdowns, but his defenseless Saints still lose by 17...guess what? You lose. If your fantasy player's team does not win, then you don't get any of his points. Also, in addition to losing points, if your player causes his team some setback during the game, you will lose an additional 100 points...or a 1000 - I don't know how they keep score. Whatever.
Number Three - No One is Ever Allowed to Talk About Their Fantasy Team
Perhaps the added social element is the thing that truly keeps me from joining a fantasy league. If I join my friend's league, which includes several of his ex-frat buddies, then I have to fake my way through an excruciating afternoon long draft. Do I need this stress in my life? Kappa Kappa Suck - I hate you all - now just give me Michael Turner and leave me alone.
Number Four - This Feels Like Work
If the fantasy involved in Fantasy Football would allow me to draft a Fantasy assistant...or even a Fantasy Proxy, then I would probably embrace the process with open arms. I have grand visions of someday going all Randy Lerner on a fantasy league and lurk in the shadows while somebody pays me money for something I don't even deserve.
Number Five - My Fantasies are Better Than Yours
Let's forget about numbers and stats....in the end, only one number matters: the amount of times I fall over laughing at an NFL player's misfortune. For example, if a fantasy league included the number of times a starcrossed quarterback was knocked senseless by a backup lineman or somehow tracked the luck associated with Eli Manning's inexplicable ascension to the elite tier of NFL talent, then I'm all in.
Number Six - Future Fantasies
If the NFL decided to not broadcast any games during a particular week, but instead only posted the stats of the players involved, how many fantasy football players would truly be affected? The deeper I probe into the NFL blogosphere, the more I realize that there is a growing legion of fans who know of players solely based on their fantasy numbers and Madden ratings. It is not at all unlikely that a growing generation of fans don't even realize that offensive linemen are on the field.
Number Seven - Fantasies Shall be Traded
After drafting a quality, star laden fantasy football team, I shall be allowed to gut my team Mark Shapiro style and sell off the parts for personal, individual favors. For example, I could envision Larry Fitzgerald being worth two months of Internet bills and Peyton Manning being good for several massages...not from other fantasy players, of course.
Number Eight - The Cleveland Curse
Much like gambling, a golden rule of fantasy football remains: never pick someone from your favorite team. In the Browns case, this is rather obvious considering their offensive performances in recent years. However, in an effort to enhance my own personal Fantasy Football experience, I suggest that any points accumulated by any member of the Browns automatically be tripled in value, then converted to US currency and sent to the offices of TheClevelandFan.com.
Numbers Nine and Ten - Like I Need Another Nerdy Obsession
I could probably take two weeks off and watch
non-stop, devising a strategy and training schedule for Clubber Lang in the inevitable rubber match.
Need I say more?
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