“No, this is not the head coach of the Browns”
In the movie Dumb and Dumber, which ironically does NOT feature Romeo and Todd “head coaching material” Grantham trying to call a defense to stop a screen on third and 20 something in a must-stop situation, there’s a scene where Carey asks Daniels, “Want to hear the most annoying sound in the world?”, and he proceeds to make this ear spitting sound that is indeed annoying as hell.
That’s what watching the Cleveland Browns is to me.
I’m not saying that either Joe J or Steve Heiden are locks to outrun anyone with a 20 yard head start, although I’ve seen Heiden do it, but when cats are repeatedly running wide ass open and DA is throwing underneath passes into the sod and leaving about 21 points off the board, it’s like Gilbert Gottfried reading the Bronte Sisters’ anthology. And just for the record, Jane Eyre is the worst book ever. I still hold a grudge against my 8th grade teacher for that one.
I’m not saying that Andra Davis or D’Qwell Jackson should make every tackle, but the absence of a front seven except for Peek and Wimbley and how the Browns were gashed by… say it with me … the winless-in-eleven-games Oakland Raiders led alternately by Josh McCown, the elder offspring of the worst name in quarterbacking families, and “didn’t-you-used-to-be” Daunte Culpepper is like being asked to “park it” after ordering a cheeseburger and fries at noon at the McDonald’s drive though, and then opening it and seeing a fillet’o freaking fish.
I’m not saying that watching DA make a brilliant look off and drilling the suddenly living up to his potential Braylon Edwards, and then throwing horrific picks, is worse than him not playing well at all like a certain Seattle QB we know. But dang dude, if you can do it a few times, why you then gotta do us like we’re on hold with the inept health insurance company for 90 minutes to correct their error only to get the call dropped?
Let me make this clear: I love the Browns and will always be a fan. If I haven’t quit by now, I guess I never will. But there are times when I just flat out hate this team, know what I’m sayin’? It does partially explain all the front running Sucklers’ “fans” in Ohio.
Here’s why we lost to the only team in the NFL I was pretty convinced was sorrier than our sorry butts.