Since the playoff began, there
is only one football game at a time on. Which means I haven’t
been channel surfing – trying to find another game. Which means
I have been sitting through endless parades of commercials.
Some of the commercials have
played more times than Rock Horror Picture Show. If I have to
watch that Dodge commercial with the Rock ‘Em Sock ‘Em boxer getting
out-toughed by the truck, I will cut out my eyes with an egg beater.
Here are some other commercials
which need to cease and desist their suckitude:
As someone that has worked
in various capacities on over 50 commercials, I can appreciate when
something is well done, or interesting enough to be viewed repeatedly
at every single break (such as the preview for 300). The Dodge
commercial is well done, and was clever the first 9,000 times I saw
Now, it’s about as welcome
on my TV screen as an in-depth documentary about hemorrhoid surgery.
Or worse – American Idol.
If you’re one of those poor
bastards that is unmercifully forced to watch American Idol, I feel
pity for you. I don’t want to tell you how to live your life,
but you really might want to think about breaking up with that stupid
bitch that you’re dating/married to that’s making you watch it.
I did. My ex-wife even became so bold as to try to drag me to
an American Idol party. I had my bag packed and was sleeping
on someone else’s couch within a week.
Find a girl that hates American
Idol as much as you do. I believe that was my first question on
the first date – Hi, how are you, you don’t like American
Idol, do you?
Life is so much sweeter without
Ryan Seacrest and Paula Abdul.
***I must admit, however, that
the commercials have inspired in me a strong desire to purchase a Toyota
Tundra. I used to have a Tacoma when I lived in the mountains
of Southern CA, and that truck would handle the turns like a sports
***An excerpt from Peter King’s
Monday Morning QB: Want Jeff Fisher? Call Bud Adams. Offer him two
high draft choices, one of them a first-rounder, and he'll start listening.
Our 1st rounder
this year is too high, but if the Browns were to offer the Titans our
2007 2nd rounder and our 2008 1st rounder to land
Jeff Fisher…. Oh, Nelly, that’d be so much better than a boatload
of Tim Couches, Courtney Browns, Gerard Warrens, Willie Greens, Jeff
Faines, and Braylon Edwardses.
The reason I don’t really
have an opinion on the Romeo Crennel topic is that there really is no
one out there who’s available that causes me to say “DAMN!
We have to have THAT guy!”
But Jeff Fisher is one guy
that makes me say that. His record speaks for itself, but, in
case you haven’t been listening, just look at what he did with Tennessee
this year. There is no way in Hades, Hell, or Pittsburgh you can
say that the Titans had more talent overall than the Browns. Yet
one team ended on a major playoff run, and the other ended selling cheap
flower arrangements to passer-bys alongside freeway off-ramps.
***Several individuals pointed
out to me that my article last week was a little heavy on the profanity.
I must say that the profanity was certainly exacerbated by the BCS Championship
Game starring Florida vs. The Team Whom I’m Not Naming Because
I’m Still Too Pissed To Utter Their Name.
And alcohol. Lots of
it, which I’m sure most of you can sympathize with, since most of
you understand that heavy drinking was essential in just dealing with
That being said, I will still
use some profanity when it feels natural.
I like it.
And, as Marshall Mathers once
Will Smith don't gotta cuss
in his raps to sell his records;
well I do, so fuck him and
fuck you too!
Of course, I don’t mean YOU
personally, per se.
***The NFL playoff games were
all good this weekend, although none of them were great. I always
like to watch one great playoff game a year – the kind that is like
an epic clash of two Titans (to whom galaxies are but pebbles) struggling
to the death.
AWWWWWWWWW!!! THAT’S TOO FREAKIN’ BAD!
***Deion Sanders is right:
the Indianapolis Colts are winning despite Peyton Manning.
Never thought I’d see the day. But it may be the only way that
Manning gets a Super Bowl ring – if he gets it The Dilfer
***Speaking of Dilfer, loved
the take on the NFL Network where Deion Sanders referred to Rex Grossman
as only having to do it The Dilfer Way. With Trent Dilfer
sitting uncomfortably right next to him.
***The two most overrated QB’s
in the NFL are Ben Roethlisberger and Matt Hasselbeck.
Chicago is very lucky Romo
mishandled the snap on the FG attempt, because I believe Dallas would
have beaten the Paper Bears.
***Note to Uber-genius Mike
Holmgren: Never settle for OT when playing on the road in the playoffs.
They had their shot, though.
The Seahawks got the ball first in the OT session. When Seattle
won the toss, Holmgren got a look on his face that was happy but uncomfortable
- like a man who was about to bang Eva Longoria when a bout of diarrhea
reared its ugly head.
***Mortgage the farm on the
Saints this weekend. Empty the retirement fund. Sell a child
on the black market if you have to.
No way will Rex Grossman have
two decent playoff games in a row.
***Uhhhhhhh… I may have been
wrong about Sean Payton.
***Jeff Garcia lost.
AWWWWWWWWW!!! THAT’S TOO FREAKIN’ BAD!
***My friend tonight accused
me of being a closet Marty Schottenheimer hater. He really couldn’t
be more wrong. I like Marty. I wish him luck. And,
well, we all know he needs it.
Marty is almost a perfect physical
personification of Cleveland sports.
The Great Not Quite.
Good… but not good enough
when it matters. Kind of like Troy Smith a week ago, or Peyton
Manning every post season. You build your legend upon what you
do when it matters most.
You can root your ass off for
the Chargers to beat the Patriots, for Marty to finally win the tough
game, for Rivers to make his legend against the “great” Tom
Brady. But, truth be told, legends don’t come around that often.
That’s why they get entire media segments dedicated to their greatness.
And then I saw a press conference
with Marty after the game. He said “We didn’t lose
– we ran out of time.”
Which is the same lame excuse
he used in ’85 when the Browns let the Dolphins come back and win
in the divisional playoffs.
No, Marty, you lost.
When the time runs out, and you have less points than your opponent,
From your 1st season
‘til what might be your last – you just can’t get it done when
the stakes are high.
***Eric Parker is the Dennis
Northcutt of San Diego.
Watching the game yesterday,
I found myself yelling “Stop Sucking!” at him.
And those are words I don’t
use that often…
***So now I have the sinking
feeling that Tom Brady, Bill Belichick, and the Patriots will defeat
a flaccid Indy team and whatever poor sucker comes from the NFC and
win their 4th Super Bowl in 6 years and cement their place
in History and spend the offseason preparing their Hall of Fame speeches.
It’s such a pleasant thought - It makes me feel like eating sauerkraut
in a port-o-john.
And it’s not so much that
I don’t think they deserve the accolades.
It’s that I’m sick of it
always happening for someone else’s team.
***In the movie Groundhog’s
Day, there’s a part where Bill Murray decides that he is a god.
I’m a god.
You’re a god?
I’m A god, not THE god… I don’t think.
Because you survived a car wreck?
I didn’t just survive a wreck. I wasn’t just blown up yesterday.
I’ve been stabbed, shot, poisoned, frozen, hung, electrocuted, and
That must be how Jack Bauer
***If you watch 24… Wayne
Palmer is Eli Manning.
***By the way, if you’ve
been awaiting an update on the septic tank situation – and I know
you have – know this: I was sitting upon the downstairs throne last
night when my girlfriend flushed the upstairs throne. Water exploded
out of the downstairs throne and drenched my ass as if I were sitting
on a fancy French latrine. Except it wasn’t cleansing water.
When your testes are drenched
in brown goo, there’s really nothing you can do but take a shower
as quickly as you can and hope that there’s some Lava soap handy in
Apparently we are now going
to have to empty our bank accounts to keep our feces out of our living
quarters. Ob La Di.
***I have recently had the
misfortune of discovering that jalapenos and adult relations do not
mix. It is not as appreciated as one might think when one dips
one’s fingers into a jar of hot pepper juice and then dips them into
a jar of a different kind.
Apparently, it lends itself
to a rapid disintegration of “The Mood”.
You’d think one might have
learned one’s lesson after the infamous Habaneras and Porn
Incident of 2000 (Soon to be a Warner Bros. film).
One should recall the sense
of foolishness accompanied by dipping one’s genitals in a bowl of
milk in a desperate attempt to try to put out something akin to flame.
Haiku About Someone I Hate
Bill Bellichick – Slob
I am sick of you and your