– A Crappy Year
I’ve had a fantastic start
to the New Year. My septic tank backed up around 3 am New Year’s
morning, exploding feces and used toilet paper all over the downstairs
shower. It was like a Port-o-john got dumped onto the floor of
the poor thing.
Try cleaning up piles of soggy
shit with a hangover. Combine the odor of sewage with that of
stewed sauerkraut. My gag reflex tingles just thinking about it
Since today was the earliest
we could get Mr. Septic out here, we got to enjoy an entire day yesterday
without running water (for fear of more flooding). When one pisses
in a toilet perhaps 7 or 8 times during the course of a day, and it
just sits there – brewing – it causes quite a pungent phenomenon.
And then you get to hold onto
your shit like it was money (props to Unforgiven for one of my
Mr. Septic did come today and
investigated the situation. After perhaps 15 minutes of staring
into the septic tank (What could possibly be that interesting in there?
Trying to determine our fiber intake?), he came into the house and tested
– it floods the downstairs shower, just like I told ya! I can
understand why you needed to see it for yourself, though.
At which point he felt it best
to plunge and plunge and plunge the shower drain. He was so eager
in his endeavors that he managed to spray liquid poo onto the floor
and even the walls. I was unfortunate enough to be in the direct
path of one of the streams. I feel violated.
After making a colossal mess
of the downstairs shower which I had so joyously cleaned yesterday,
he announced “that’s not working”.
– but at least the room has some color now! We’ll call it
the “Dalmatian Room”
So he pulled his 350 lb machine
down the stairs, leaving a nice dark trail on the carpet, and finally
snaked the line from the house to the septic tank. Miracle!
Apparently all that plunging wasn’t necessary after all!
Not that it wasn’t fun…
And the price tag for all this
ecstasy? Only $200. Plus the added bonus of getting to clean
up shit all over again.
I think I’ll try to flush
a towel just to get the pleasure of repeating the whole shebang.
***I did manage to watch the
entire Browns game against Houston. What I did was pretend that
it was a playoff game between two evenly matched, very good football
And I drank a lot.
To sum up the Browns season:
Thank god for the Buckeyes.
***The Browns dominated the
first half, yet came away with a 3-0 lead. They were pretty much
toast at that point. The only way the Browns win this year is
if they build a BIG lead and then barely hold onto it. Or come
from 14 or more points down. Close games – they’re a shoo-in
for the L.
***One bright spot – Daven
Holly. He has been playing like this year’s Leigh Bodden.
***Cribbs did a much better
job returning punts than earlier this season. Which doesn’t
necessarily mean he was any good, but I figured that I should say something
***I was happy to see Charlie
Frye starting. I want to think that it’s because I haven’t
lost faith in him. In reality, it was probably because I was just
happy that Ken Dorsey WASN’T starting. Dorsey has that rare
trifecta that you so rarely see in the NFL these days: immobility, weak-arm,
and poor decision making.
***Do the Browns have any plays
in their book that involve a pass more than 10 yards down the field?
Or do they just refer to those as “Trick Plays”?
***I’m starting to hear Jamarcus
Russell’s name bandied about as a potential Top10 pick – even a
potential pick for the Browns. I haven’t seen much of him, so
all I can do is be intrigued by his measurables, and the fact that he
isn’t Brady Quinn (which is a big bonus in my book).
I will most certainly be watching
Mr. Russell in the Sugar Bowl tomorrow. If he’s even worth a
pint of piss, he and LSU will easily trounce Quinn & the Irish.
And watching Notre Dame get bent over a log in yet another bowl game
is always a hoot.
***The Steelers ended the Bengals
season for the second year in a row. In Cincinnati. With
thousands of obnoxious, barely literate Pittsburgh fans in attendance.
We may soon be second in the
We Hate Everything Steelers Olympics.
Perhaps if we make a pact with
Cincinnati, we can combine all the best players from both teams, and
spend the next several seasons beating Pittsburgh so badly that Steelers
fans won’t even have the nerve to show their faces outside of their
trailers and outhouses.
***I really like Vince Young.
It would be so nice to have a player as talented, as competitive, and
as passionate as he is. He simply cannot stand to lose.
Most of the Browns players
can lose standing, sitting, or lying down.
***Jay Cutler is one ugly MoFo.
He reminds me quite a bit of the semi-retarded kid from my 3rd
grade class that pissed on the floor during recess, then licked it up.
***Can you imagine being a
KC Chief on Sunday, watching the Broncos-49’ers game? Talk about
a yo-yo between heaven and hell…
***It must be nice to be a
fan of San Fran, or Tennessee, or New Orleans, or the New York Jets…
you know, teams that sucked last year, and then turned it around and
have much to look forward to?
***For those of you, like myself,
who were lucky enough to have stayed up until 1 am EST watching the
Boise St./Oklahoma game, you were witness to one of the best bowl games
ever played. If you didn’t watch it, I’m sure you’ve heard
about it/seen it on Sportscenter, so there is no need to rehash the
The reason that I mention it
is that – right before the 4th and 18, I was calling for
the hook and ladder. I said it out loud (although my only conscious
witness was my girlfriend’s cat). Sure enough, on cue, they
ran the hook and ladder to perfection, got the TD, and eventually won
Unfortunately, this is not
a sign that I have foreknowledge, or that I have finally achieved deity-status.
I ALWAYS call for the hook and ladder in such situations. I call
for the hook and ladder 3 or 4 times every game. I cannot understand
why the play isn’t run more often. You have player sit down
in the zone – he catches the ball, and all the defensive players rush
at him. A simple flip from the receiver to another runner moving quickly
in an opposite direction… the defense has no chance. They can’t
stop and change directions quickly enough to prevent a serious gain.
***What a touching moment when
Ian Johnson of Boise State proposed to his cheerleader girlfriend on
national TV right after the game.
I’m probably the only one
cynical enough to have immediately thought: I give it two years.
***I watched Dick Clark’s
Rockin’ New Year’s Eve show, and – ugh – I felt like a graverobber.
He was a giant puppet of Dick Clark that sounded a little like him,
but you knew it wasn’t really human because there was absolutely no
life in its eyes.
If I ever get to that point,
I’m going to get myself to Mt. McKinley, climb as high as I can before
I collapse with exhaustion, and freeze to death.
You can’t live forever –
not even if you’re Dick Clark.
Haiku About Someone I Hate
Screws with Fantasy Football
Loss to Niners? Ha!
Browns Player Whose Intestines
I’d Most Like To Feed To Rabid Hyenas This Week:
I’ve decided to retire this
segment. Generally, they’re all fuck-ups, but as long as they
wear the Browns colors, I love them. Even the ones that, as people,
make me want to vomit… like Kellen Winslow.
The Fugly Five:
28: Detroit – they win and
blow their shot at Brady Quinn. Lucky them.
29: Arizona – Farewell to
thee, Dennis Green. Thou gavest a nice press conference.
30: Washington – only slightly
more exciting than a garlic-flavored icicle.
31: Cleveland – Such a joy
it is to find my favorite team yet again here in the dregs.
32: Oakland – Brady Quinn
in silver and black, although he might be too metro to pull it off.
Countdown to the merciful
end of the season:
It be over. Start getting
excited for next year.