Hollywood Stars You'd Like To Bitchslap

[swerb]

In no particular order ...

Jada Pinkett Smith
Cameron Diaz
Celine Dion
John Travolta
Ben Affleck

[Guest]

Eddie Murphy.

Not sure others noted this, as I doubt many people with testosterone sat around and endured that snozefest Oscar telecast all night (last hour was good, though), but Eddie was so pissed off that he lost best supporting actor to Alan Arkin that he disappeared, there was nothing but an empty seat the rest of the night.

Dick.

[Guest]

Eddie Murphy is one the funniest mother f-ers of all time.

[swerb]

Eddie Murphy is one the funniest mother f-ers of all time.

Eddie Murphy hasn't done anything funny in 20 years.

[swerb]

Overall, a boring show as usual, though I thought Ellen did reasonably well as the host. I’m not an award show guy, but I’ve become such a huge movie buff over the last decade, I do get into the Oscars.

Great to see Marty Scorcese FINALLY win best picture for “The Departed”, a truly deserving film. I had a chance to watch “Babel” and “Little Miss Sunshine” this weekend as well. Both were good films, but unlike last year (“Munich” should have won over “Crash”) … the right film won this year.

As far as the one injustice that stood out to me, the Japanese girl from “Babel” absolutely got robbed for Best Supporting Actress. Her effort as a deaf/mute schoolgirl growing up in Tokyo was nothing short of amazing.

Other random thoughts …

~If Al Gore continues to grow at his current pace, he’s going to be wrestling sumo in November ’08, not running for President.

~Huge screw up by Ellen right out of the gates, recognizing Penelope Cruz as an actress from Mexico, when in fact she is Spanish. I thought she recovered well, making fun of herself with a joke about 10-15 minutes later.

~Thank heavens there were no political statements. Nothing makes me more insane when these actors use their time in the spotlight to advance their political agendas. Movies are an escape from all of that, and hopefully the Academy has cracked down on it internally.

~Two hysterical moments: when Will Smith’s kid botched his line, and the little girl from “Little Miss Sunshine” covered for him. And the look on Steve Carell’s (The 40 Year Old Virgin) face when Ellen cracked on him for being part of the diverse nature of this year’s Oscars.

~Where was Halle Berry and Scarlett Johannson?!?!?!!?!?!?!?!?!!?

~On that note, The Swerb Power Ten from last night:

1. Naomi Watts – I love her. I know no other way to put it. Classy, beautiful, a great actress, and the Australian accent … good God.

2. Beyonce – Very, very attractive. On her way to super stardom. Comes across as very down to earth, and this just in … she cleans up pretty nice.

3. Kate Winslet – I’m a big, big fan of hers. Five Oscar nominations at just age 31. Looked very classy, very pretty last night. Great features.

4. Reese Witherspoon – Like unwanted body hair, she’s growing on me. Five years ago, Legally Blonde, I needed a drink just hearing her talk. But she’s a really good actress. And very cute. She looked great last night.

5. Jessica Biel – People magazine’s sexiest woman in America is another up and comer. Saw “The Illusionist” (will get to the review later in the week) this weekend as well, she was good in it. I’ll be honest, her dress and hair were brutal last night. You can only drop Jessica Biel so far down a list like this though, come on.

6. Nicole Kidman – Man, every year at the Oscars, she does those joint interviews with fellow Aussie and best friend Naomi. That’s some must see TV right there. Let’s be frank, Nicole’s had so much work done on her face, she can barely move her lips and eyes. She’s just kind of stuck, in that one same smile. Still … she’s a beauty. And like 6’1.

7. Anne Hathaway – Who is this girl? Very cute! Was nominated for “The Devil Wears Prada”.

8. Marky Mark’s Date – Someone please cast her in a film. Who cares if she can act.

9. Gwenneth Paltrow – She dated Ben Affleck and named her kid Apple. Two big strikes right there. She looked very good last night though.

10. Cate Blanchette – Never a fan of her looks, but always her acting … she looked very nice last night. Still comes off as a little too elitist for my liking though,.

[Guest]

Have you seen that movie called Shrek? His voice makes that movie
His standup is classic.

[swerb]

Have you seen that movie called Shrek? His voice makes that movie
His standup is classic.

Delirious and Raw were both classics, I can't argue with that. But they were 20 years ago. He hasn't done anything funny since. Shrek doesn't count.

All I'm saying is that calling him one of the funniest MFers of all time is a stretch.

[swerb]

I can't waste any more keystrokes on Eddie Murphy.

I'll end with this. Name one funny thing he's actually appeared in since 1990.

Truly funny people don't go two decades without producing anything funny. You'd think, even by accident, that he would have done something even remotely entertaining.

Showing up to read pre-written lines off a piece of paper for a cartoon doesn't count.

[leadpipe]

I think a good way to put it is he WAS one of the funniest MF'ers alive. I would go on to say there was a time when I thought he was the funniest cat alive. But you can't continually to "The Clumps" and dress up in fat suits and old lady gear and keep that title.

[yogi]

Movies
48 Hours (1982)
Trading Places (1983)
Best Defense (1984)
Beverly Hills Cop (1984)
The Golden Child (1986)
Beverly Hills Cop II (1987)
Eddie Murphy Raw (1987)
Coming to America (1988)
Harlem Nights (1989)
Another 48 Hours (1990)
Boomerang (1992)
The Distinguished Gentleman (1992)
Beverly Hills Cop III (1994)
Vampire in Brooklyn (1995)
The Nutty Professor (1996)
Metro (1997)
Dr. Dolittle (1998)
Holy Man (1998)
Mulan (1998) (voice)
Bowfinger (1999)
Life (1999)
Nutty Professor II: The Klumps (2000)
Dr. Dolittle 2 (2001)
Shrek (2001)
Showtime (2002)
The Adventures of Pluto Nash (2002)
I Spy (2002)
Daddy Day Care (2003)
Shrek 4-D (2003)
The Haunted Mansion (2003)
Shrek 2 (2004)
From Hair To Eternity (2006)
Dreamgirls (2006)
Norbit (2007)
Shrek the Third (2007)

Swerb's right, Eddie has not been a high level of funny in his movies for a long, long, time. (note: he was also very good in Mulan in addition to Shrek).

As a matter of fact his 1st 2 movies, 48 hrs and Trading Places have been by far his best. Beverly Hills Cop (although good wasn't even on that level.

Delirious & Raw aren't movies, just his stand-up act caught on tape really. Delirious was funny but he was too angry in Raw and just not as funny.

He's a talent though, but he plays off other talented actors better IMO.

[Guest]

I liked the Nutty Professor and also the Dr Dolittle movies(I have a 9 year old)
Metro wasn't bad either
Career has lasted 25 years according to that listing, not too bad.

[StewieG]

Justin Timberlake.

Does he count as a hollywood star? Even if the doesn't, I'd bitchslap him anyways. I hate everything about that punk.

[furls]

Mel Gibson

[pup]

All of them

[sandlot33]

jamie fox

[General]

Any friggin' star that thinks I give a rat's about their political agenda.

[swerb]

bump

[Steve Buffum]

Eddie Murphy is one the funniest mother f-ers of all time.

Eddie Murphy hasn't done anything funny in 20 years.

"Bowfinger" was funny.

Yeah, he had help, but ... he was funny.

[Joens]

Bryant Gumble. idk if u can qualify him as a hollywood star but i just hate his guts

[Steve Buffum]

Oh, anyway, the correct answer is Tom Cruise or Lindsay Lohan.

[Indians88]

George United Nations Clooney

[e0y2e3]

Oh, anyway, the correct answer is Tom Cruise or Lindsay Lohan.

Meh, Lindsey Lohan slaps herself enough for my taste. No need to pile on.

[mswerb]

Ryan Secrest
Bob Saget
Any local newscaster
Dickie V