Out of Bounds: New TCF Column

[Hikohadon]

Lace a doughnut with strychnine.

You're welcome.

[scott]

I fired 2 people in the last 2 months, both of whom were overweight. Their weight had nothing to do with their firings. Now I need to fire this obese girl who's a severe detriment to the office atmosphere, but I'm concerned that she'll sue me for wrongful termination on the grounds that I hate fat people (did I mention she's enormous?). That may very well be true, but has zero relevance to why I need to let her go. How do I pull this off without suffering any legal consequences?

Serious answer - you can't really fire her just for being no fun. If she is doing real things to damage the business or screw up the office environment you document them. Send an email so it id timestamped. If other workers complain about her you document that (leaving out names but enough info to make it seem real in case she does file suit).

[southernflyer]

I'm moving into a new place, and decided to get a new bed. Three main choices are innerspring, foam or air mattress. Any suggestions?

[FUDU]

Lars, I'm assuming you have a son (I know you have children), so if your son could be the greatest at anything in the world, what would you wish it to be?

[pod2dawg]

Lars,

How is that that one chicken carcass can produce 1,000 McNuggets ?

ty-pod

[Larvell Blanks]

Lars,

Is it entirely necessary for each network, during a hurricane, warn people to flee or stay in their homes, yet outfit their own reporters in identical jackets and hats and ask them to report on the story, outside, in the exact elements they warned their viewers about? Do I need to see Al Roker standing out on Bourbon Street with his hand held wind gauge, telling me the winds are picking up? I could see the same thing on YouTube from someone shooting video from inside their home of the Fiat being blown down their street.


Larvell

[motherscratcher]

Occasionally when I walk into a restaurant I see a couple by themselves sitting on the same side of the booth with nobody accross from them. What do you make of those people?

[motherscratcher]

When ordering curbside pickup at some shithole like Fridays, what is the proper tip?

[e0y2e3]

I'm going on year five of going to the same shoe shine guy and I still don't know what he charges. I've given him varying amounts of money over the years and still can't gauge from his reactions if I am paying him the correct total or not. What is a reasonable national average for a non-airport shoe shine these days?

Also, at the fruit stand outside of my office these old dudes run around to take your cash and offer you a bag. Are you supposed to tip these guys? I mean like, WTF, I don't need a bag and I am helping myself, so I see no way they differ from grocery store cashiers yet I feel as if I am stiffing them when I don't tip.

[pod2dawg]

What's up with the bathroom concierge dudes? Seriously, thanks for the paper towel and High Karate splash...but I'll give you two bucks NOT to be lurking in the Men's room.

[e0y2e3]

Do the bathroom concierge dudes in Jackson Milton have teeth?

[pod2dawg]

No, but they do still wear the little vests and the clip-on ties.

[Gradysmanldy]

What's up with the bathroom concierge dudes? Seriously, thanks for the paper towel and High Karate splash...but I'll give you two bucks NOT to be lurking in the Men's room.

God, I hate those guys.

[pod2dawg]

Lars,

We are under a tyrannical dictatorship of which wants to appoint you G.M. for a 5 year stint of either the Browns or Indians, your choice. You get 5 million a year, and are guaranteed a payroll in the top 5 to work with.

Here's the catch, you must win a championship in that period or you & your family are executed in the soccer stadium. You win, you can take your 25 million and do whatever, you lose....your execution goes viral. No time machines, no reincarnations, no extraterrestrial interventions, no plastic surgery , or James Bond escapes. The 7th Fleet, nor the SEALS can be involved. Oh, and no moving in a team from another city...no tricks.

You are large and in charge. Which team do you put the family's fate in and why? Feel free to expound on your 5 year plan. I am hoping the Browns/Tribe read it.

Thanks!
truck stop billionaire

[Brandon Weeden]

Lars, any advice for immobile, advanced age, Big 12 spread quarterbacks on on how to slow this dangum' NFL game down a wee bit?

For a friend of mine.

Thanks pardner!

[googleeph2]

Lars, Can you please identify one solo Yoko Ono song that you'd be OK with hearing again? I have been looking since 1970, and well, I give up.

[Larvell Blanks]

Lars,


Why?



Thanks

Larvell

[Cerebral_DownTime]

Lars, why are Asians so damn bad at driving? I'd rather be driving on ice than see a Toyota van full of Indians come up next to me on the freeway.

[CAVSTRIBEBROWNSin07!]

That one's easy. No peripheral vision.

[LarsHancock]

Lars, why are Asians so damn bad at driving? I'd rather be driving on ice than see a Toyota van full of Indians come up next to me on the freeway.

Okay, wanted to address this one in the forae vs in the column.

Let's address the issue on the table. When does a cultural generalization drift into the realm of racism? In one sense, racial profiling is a dangerous activity and a slippery slope which must be avoided, but in another sense, some things that could be interpreted as such are actually merely cultural observations. So which side of the line is this comment on?

If you've ever been outside the US, you know that traffic rules are radically different. When I was in Haiti, for example, there were no rules of the road. No street signs, no traffic lights, and they didn't even have law enforcement to protect the core citizenry, let alone govern traffic. Traffic rules are mere suggestions, and a particular area of road could be a two lane divided highway, a four lane divided highway, a six lane divided highway, five lanes one direction and one in the other, or one in one direction and five in the other at various random moments in time depending on the fluid dynamics of the traffic at the moment. Flinching means you get bullied and delayed, and if you swap some paint, so be it. Anyone who has had a Haitian cabbie will attest that their adherence to the rules of traffic in the US is just as nebulous, and a journey with them can be harrowing (and that ignores the potential ethical issues you may encounter from said from growing up in a culture of institutionalized crime driven by survivalist poverty-driven necessity). Most third world Asian countries operate in a similar manner.

Even the first world over there has different rules and regulations. For example, you don't wait in line in a lot of Asian countries. You simply crowd and shove your way to the front to get your turn, kind of like your average overcrowded bar, except it's a McDonalds. That same mentality takes over in driving, where yielding, cutting off, and other social faux pas we strictly avoid in the west aren't part of the Asian driving code of conduct, and are therefore ignored. Which creates in our mind a dangerous situation.

Is it fair to stereotype all Asians as bad drivers? Absolutely not. But is it fair to understand that people who grow up in a different culture may not have a full appreciation for our unwritten (and written for that matter) rules? Absolutely. Which is why you will often see that a driver behaving out of the norm is from a different nation. And I think that's the point - you can't positively project forward that an Asian is a bad driver, but you can understand why a disproportionate number of bad drivers seem to be Asian.

[FUDU]

List of the worst drivers, in order:

Foreign women
Women 17-25
Foreign men
The professional/business woman 25-40
Men 70+
Soccer moms
Women 50-60
Guys in dually pick up trucks
Female school bus drivers

[pod2dawg]

Lars,

Is there thing more toxic or foul on this planet than the chili they put on hot dogs at 7th grade football game concession stands?

thanks! pods uncle

[googleeph2]

FUDU, which models/makes of cars are you most likely to be seen driven badly?
Assume you cannot see the driver.

[FUDU]

FUDU, which models/makes of cars are you most likely to be seen driven badly?
Assume you cannot see the driver.

In order:

1982 Corolla
Chevy Cobalt, any Scion
1984 Mistubishi Galant
Any BMW 3 or 5 from the 2000s
Buick LeSabre
Mini Van, particularly from the 2000s
Buick Century or Buick Lacross
Dually pick up truck
School bus

[justmebd]

Lars,
What is this fascination with people rushing to stores to get the "hottest" new items in tech like the iPhone 5? I'm happily three generations behind everything when it comes to phones/computers and I get by just fine. I also save a lot of money.

Do these tech junkies know something I don't, or are they just degenerates in need of therapy?

Confession: I did used to be an obsessive collector of books/DVDs and card games. Moving five times in four years cured me of that.

[googleeph2]

FUDU, which models/makes of cars are you most likely to be seen driven badly?
Assume you cannot see the driver.

In order:

1982 Corolla
Chevy Cobalt, any Scion
1984 Mistubishi Galant
Any BMW 3 or 5 from the 2000s
Buick LeSabre
Mini Van, particularly from the 2000s
Buick Century or Buick Lacross
Dually pick up truck
School bus

Yep, you got me!

[FUDU]

OK Lars, I can agree with you on the As Seen On TV stuff, but would like to add or counter, in reply to this:

Now if you mean quality of product, this list starts and ends with Mighty Mendit. That stuff is legitimately awesome. If your bird’s head falls off, you could smack a dab of Mighty Mendit on his abdomen and pop the cranium back on and, poof, good as new. Just magical stuff. Everything else is pure crap.

With this: http://www.geardiary.com/2007/12/12/review-zibra-open-it-will-this-packaging-removal-tool-render-scissors-obsolete/

One of maybe 3 ASOTV type products I've ever bought, and these things rock. Their not rocket science by any means, which is a big part of why they work actually. Nothing more than offset industrial scissors, but they are a virtual flawless design in the world of ASOTV stuff.

The funny thing was the one I bought came packaged in that industrial strength blister pack. :WTF

[googleeph2]

Lars, your question is one Oprah Winfrey likes to use. She borrowed it from late movie critic, Gene Siskel:
"What do you know, for sure?"

[LarsHancock]

OK Lars, I can agree with you on the As Seen On TV stuff, but would like to add or counter, in reply to this:

Now if you mean quality of product, this list starts and ends with Mighty Mendit. That stuff is legitimately awesome. If your bird’s head falls off, you could smack a dab of Mighty Mendit on his abdomen and pop the cranium back on and, poof, good as new. Just magical stuff. Everything else is pure crap.

With this: http://www.geardiary.com/2007/12/12/review-zibra-open-it-will-this-packaging-removal-tool-render-scissors-obsolete/

One of maybe 3 ASOTV type products I've ever bought, and these things rock. Their not rocket science by any means, which is a big part of why they work actually. Nothing more than offset industrial scissors, but they are a virtual flawless design in the world of ASOTV stuff.

The funny thing was the one I bought came packaged in that industrial strength blister pack. :WTF

I have those as well. My wife thought I was an idiot for picking those up at Bed, Bath & Beyond, but every time she touches them she sings their praise. They are really worth their weight in gold.

Don't really remember their informercial though...

[pod2dawg]

Lars, Jim Haslam has hired you as GM to solve the "Kobayashi maru"...you get 5 million, a golf cart, a pack of Marlboros, a drink machine, a year pass at the Golden Corral , and the first pick in the Draft. Nothing has really changed with the team you don't already know from the 1st four games this year ( limited sample) we still have all the glaring holes and serious concerns about Weeds. For this exercise lets not broach the coaching hole, rather your mission is to determine who do we pick? Many say its too early, many say one or two losses = drop in draft really don't matter.....many are the same that lament the failed attempt at getting RGIII....many (like myself) hate life caus we picked the wrong year to get the 1st Pick or miss by one ( see A. Luck, A.C Green etc).
Haslam instructs you NOT TO TRADE DOWN he has total faith in you, and wants you to make the RIGHT pick to lead this team out of the desert. He wants to make a BIG splash with the first pick and of course hold you accountable. Haslam has guaranteed you an open checkbook to entice free agents also within reason, but this is about the draft.

1. Jarvis Jones OLB Georgia
2. Barkevious Mingo OLB?DE LSU ( may be better suited for 3-4)
3. Luke Joeckel OT Texas A&M
4. Keenan Allen WR Cal
5. Geno Smith QB WV
6. Dee Millner CB Alabama

Who shall it be ?

Thanks!
Pilot Store Manager

[googleeph2]

Lars, I love spicy food. My latest favorite snack is the jarred Clausen Hot & Spicy pickles you can find on the refrigerated pickle shelf at the grocery. If you eat 2 spears, and actually sufficiently chew bite-sized portions without choking them down, you get the burning tongue, the throbbing gums, and the sweat on your scalp. You need another bite because the chilled pickle soothes you for a couple seconds - until the fire in your mouth gets even 'worse' than the last time. The cycle continues- it's tremendous.

Are you "one of us"? If so, got any other tips for a quick, spicy snack that "we" might like?

[Hikohadon]

Lars, I love spicy food. My latest favorite snack is the jarred Clausen Hot & Spicy pickles you can find on the refrigerated pickle shelf at the grocery. If you eat 2 spears, and actually sufficiently chew bite-sized portions without choking them down, you get the burning tongue, the throbbing gums, and the sweat on your scalp. You need another bite because the chilled pickle soothes you for a couple seconds - until the fire in your mouth gets even 'worse' than the last time. The cycle continues- it's tremendous.

Are you "one of us"? If so, got any other tips for a quick, spicy snack that "we" might like?

If you like spicy and tasty, ya gotta try:

[Hikohadon]

Lars, you and I are clearly on the same plane when it comes to spicy. I too will eat a spoonful of Dave's Insanity or Pure Cap to get the requisite endorphin rush. And I've had the same problem with my ghost chili plant - I'd assume the climate isn't appropriate for the things (but I got a huge crop out of my habanero plants this year). There's almost nothing that a diced habanero doesn't improve.

My greatest desire is to open a hot sauce store with microbrews in some ski town - ah, 'tis like a dream.

[e0y2e3]

I have it on good authority that Lars cries like a little girl when he eats Ghost Chillies.

[googleeph2]

Hiko, got that salsa on the list.

[googleeph2]

Lars, I have a daughter who is in an apartment for the first time. 3 roommates. They are all great kids. They grill a lot, and do a lot of salads I guess. Anyway, we recently brought them the fixins for a big batch of each of the following, for them to make and have for leftovers: chili, chicken tortilla soup, beef and noodles, chicken and noodles, ham/black beans and rice. To say this was a big hit is an understatement. Frankly, it's awesome to have the kind of appreciation that we'd last seen in the early teen years. Almost like she's already kind of 'coming back to us'.

My question is: what are some other dishes that we can suggest for them? Would need to be easy enough to make; appeal to a broad spectrum of tastes; big enough batches that would keep for leftovers for a few days. Think: college kids.

[Hikohadon]

Hiko, got that salsa on the list.

You won't regret it. Not only is it delicious, but it has more heat than any store-bought salsa I've ever tried.

[LarsHancock]

Lars, you and I are clearly on the same plane when it comes to spicy. I too will eat a spoonful of Dave's Insanity or Pure Cap to get the requisite endorphin rush. And I've had the same problem with my ghost chili plant - I'd assume the climate isn't appropriate for the things (but I got a huge crop out of my habanero plants this year). There's almost nothing that a diced habanero doesn't improve.

My greatest desire is to open a hot sauce store with microbrews in some ski town - ah, 'tis like a dream.

I think in looking at the Hot Sauce market, ethnic specific hot sauces seem to be underserved. You go to a traditional hot sauce store and it is a mix of trite cliche novelty sauces, some extreme heat, a couple that you can actually use, and one or two things that sound interesting. The closest thing you get to ethnic is Sriracha (which is fabulous by the way).

What if you came up with a true line of ethnic flavored heat? You could do an Indian curry hot sauce (one with the traditional curry powder and one with curry leaves), a thai-basil, lemongrass, and galangal flavored hot sauce, miso flavored hot sauce, or even a harissa-based hot sauce for an African flavor. Use the peppers of the region too for true authenticity. How awesome would that be? Heck, you create those base flavors and you can get shelf space in a lot of existing markets, and differentiate yourself from the rest of the uninteresting pack.

There's a business idea waiting to happen here.

[LarsHancock]

I have it on good authority that Lars cries like a little girl when he eats Ghost Chillies.

Only the next morning.

[LarsHancock]

By the way, just checked my Ghost Chili plant. Covered with peppers now. Maybe the cooler weather and all the rain was what was needed to get them to go, but it's going nuts now.

[That_Guy™]

A couple other awesome peppers to have in your patch are orange habaneros and hot lemon peppers.

The orange habaneros have a smokey flavor with all the heat you would expect from a habanero. The hot lemons have decent heat and a very strong citrus flavor.

[Hikohadon]

Lars, you and I are clearly on the same plane when it comes to spicy. I too will eat a spoonful of Dave's Insanity or Pure Cap to get the requisite endorphin rush. And I've had the same problem with my ghost chili plant - I'd assume the climate isn't appropriate for the things (but I got a huge crop out of my habanero plants this year). There's almost nothing that a diced habanero doesn't improve.

My greatest desire is to open a hot sauce store with microbrews in some ski town - ah, 'tis like a dream.

I think in looking at the Hot Sauce market, ethnic specific hot sauces seem to be underserved. You go to a traditional hot sauce store and it is a mix of trite cliche novelty sauces, some extreme heat, a couple that you can actually use, and one or two things that sound interesting. The closest thing you get to ethnic is Sriracha (which is fabulous by the way).

What if you came up with a true line of ethnic flavored heat? You could do an Indian curry hot sauce (one with the traditional curry powder and one with curry leaves), a thai-basil, lemongrass, and galangal flavored hot sauce, miso flavored hot sauce, or even a harissa-based hot sauce for an African flavor. Use the peppers of the region too for true authenticity. How awesome would that be? Heck, you create those base flavors and you can get shelf space in a lot of existing markets, and differentiate yourself from the rest of the uninteresting pack.

There's a business idea waiting to happen here.

The business model I have in mind is a place called Peppers of Key West.



Plenty of curry and Thai hot sauces at that place. They have a much larger selection than your typical crappy hot sauce store, plus a tasting bar where you can try any of the sauces. They don't have a liquor license, but if you BYOB, they'll be more than happy to let you sit at the bar all day drinking and lighting your mouth on fire.

Plus, they have a water dispenser next to the bar for the suckers.

When I lived in Miami, I'd truck down to Key West to get away once every couple months, and usually ended up spending most of my day at that place.

Personally, I think I'd go for the liquor license and serve microbrews, either mine or a local vendor I respect. Drunk people make bad decisions about how much hot sauce they need around the house.

And obviously get rid of the tropical theme since my store will be in Breckenridge.

[motherscratcher]

Dearest Lars,

This is not really a Van Halen question, although it might seem so. It seems that most people prefer the Van Halen fronted by David Lee Roth and are quick to dismiss the Sammy Hagar era. I find the majority of these people to be insufferable assholes. While I completely understand prefering the Diamond Dave iteration, it is my experience that the majority of those who dismiss the Sammy era do so because they think they are supposed to. Essentially, all of the "cool kids" always told them that the Lee Roth Halen was the only worthy lineup, and so they accepted this due to fear of castigation and/or the inability of independent thought compounded with a lack of convictional courage.

What I'd like is for you to rank the Van Halen albums up to but NOT including the Gary Cherone debacle (for obvious reasons). And once you've done this I'd like you to consider David Lee Roth's seminal solo album Eat 'Em and Smile. Where would EEAS fall on a list of Van Halen albums? This is what I really want to know.

Thank you or your kind attention.

[FUDU]

[googleeph2]

since my store will be in Breckenridge.

Put some high-end sexy women's ski boutique items in there, for a steady stream of ladies. They'll come and browse - who cares if they buy much.

Call the store "Hot".

[Larvell Blanks]

Dearest Lars,

This is not really a Van Halen question, although it might seem so. It seems that most people prefer the Van Halen fronted by David Lee Roth and are quick to dismiss the Sammy Hagar era. I find the majority of these people to be insufferable assholes. While I completely understand prefering the Diamond Dave iteration, it is my experience that the majority of those who dismiss the Sammy era do so because they think they are supposed to. Essentially, all of the "cool kids" always told them that the Lee Roth Halen was the only worthy lineup, and so they accepted this due to fear of castigation and/or the inability of independent thought compounded with a lack of convictional courage.

What I'd like is for you to rank the Van Halen albums up to but NOT including the Gary Cherone debacle (for obvious reasons). And once you've done this I'd like you to consider David Lee Roth's seminal solo album Eat 'Em and Smile. Where would EEAS fall on a list of Van Halen albums? This is what I really want to know.

Thank you or your kind attention.

Normally you come off as someone who cares more about the battle between Steve Perry and the Korean Kareoke singer

[motherscratcher]

I love Steve Perry. Dude has one of the most uniquely distinct voices in rock history and could sing his ass off. Journey doesnt get the credit they deserve. Steve Perry is an incredible front man, and Neal Schon is one of the most underrated guitarists of thenlast half century.

Ask CDT. I'll bet he absolutely HATES Journey, but I'll bet he agrees that Neal Schon is underrated. I could be wrong.

I know nothing of a Korean Karyoke singer or some feud. Are you talking about the Gangham Style dude?

[FUDU]

I agree with mo that it is hard not to respect Steve Perry and Journey, but it is real easy to not respect Sammy Hagar.

[motherscratcher]

I agree with mo that it is hard not to respect Steve Perry and Journey, but it is real easy to not respect Sammy Hagar.

You know, somewhere out therenis anlist of the bestnLive albums of all time. Sitting at the top ofthat list is probably Nirvana Unplugged in NY. But not not as far down that list as you'd like to believe you would find Van Halen Right Here Right Now. With Hagar.

I'm going to cut the grass. I think I just figurednout what to listen to.

*fuck typing on an iPad. That is too many typos to correct. You can all read it.

[e0y2e3]

Dearest Lars,

This is not really a Van Halen question, although it might seem so. It seems that most people prefer the Van Halen fronted by David Lee Roth and are quick to dismiss the Sammy Hagar era. I find the majority of these people to be insufferable assholes. While I completely understand prefering the Diamond Dave iteration, it is my experience that the majority of those who dismiss the Sammy era do so because they think they are supposed to. Essentially, all of the "cool kids" always told them that the Lee Roth Halen was the only worthy lineup, and so they accepted this due to fear of castigation and/or the inability of independent thought compounded with a lack of convictional courage.

What I'd like is for you to rank the Van Halen albums up to but NOT including the Gary Cherone debacle (for obvious reasons). And once you've done this I'd like you to consider David Lee Roth's seminal solo album Eat 'Em and Smile. Where would EEAS fall on a list of Van Halen albums? This is what I really want to know.

Thank you or your kind attention.

And with this post this board officially becomes "meh white dudes who lived in Oho and suck at aging without vicariousness"