Out of Bounds: New TCF Column

[e0y2e3]

Sweet geezes, you think I remember shit like that? I'm high level man.

[LarsHancock]

Okay boys, I'm out of here for a week. I have a guest writer who is going to fill in for me next week - he's a Seven Hills native, tOSU alum, and been a friend of mine for over a decade. He's one of the funniest guys I know, having done improv and written sketch comedy. I have no idea where he's going to go, but have fun with him.

[motherscratcher]

Okay boys, I'm out of here for a week. I have a guest writer who is going to fill in for me next week - he's a Seven Hills native, tOSU alum, and been a friend of mine for over a decade. He's one of the funniest guys I know, having done improv and written sketch comedy. I have no idea where he's going to go, but have fun with him.

If Chuck Booms writes your next column I will break stuff.

[FUDU]

Dear Lars friend,

Is Lars anything like he implies he is in real life?

Also, in your opinion what are the best cop/detective shows since 1970?

[pup]

Okay boys, I'm out of here for a week. I have a guest writer who is going to fill in for me next week - he's a Seven Hills native, tOSU alum, and been a friend of mine for over a decade. He's one of the funniest guys I know, having done improv and written sketch comedy. I have no idea where he's going to go, but have fun with him.

If Chuck Booms writes your next column I will break stuff.

Well, you should know. Mini Chuck.

[justmebd]

To Lars Friend,

Outside of Primanti Bros., Yuengling, and jokes about gap-toothed Yinzers having relations with farm animals, is there any purpose to the State of Pennsylvania?

[jb]

Um, damn.

Anyone see eye's inventory?

Starting to get a lil bit un-fun there, Lars.

Just one guys opinion.

Opinion noted, thanks. Do you have suggestions where I went awry? Should I shorten things up a bit maybe? I get into my "zone" when I write, and can't really control what comes out, but I can certainly edit more.

If it's not fun, it's not worth it for any of us, so I appreciate steering.

Again JOGO, but I think when we stray into taking the fantasy land that is the interwebs and getting into psychoanalysis on blast that isn't obviously grotesquely tongue in cheek (at least not to my royal denseness) we start to move from wicked black comedy to a different sort of tack that isn't so community based and is therefor destructive rather than comedic.

Not like I'm unfortunately not an expert on that or anything...

Maybe I'm Bruno Kirby in Good Morning Vietnam...

[Hikohadon]

Lars (or friend), please explain to me how Golden Corral isn't the most disgusting trough in our fair country?

[dmiles]

For the person asking the Paleo question to Lars:

Been on about two weeks? I made the change because my gut was really irritated. Doc wanted me to get checked for GIRD and all this other crap and I thought screw it. Let's see what this Paleo is all about. I probably am not perfect Paleo as I still have some dairy (cheese) and occasionally a regular potato with my steak. Anyway the pains in the abdomen have subsided for now, we shall see. Down about 7-8 lbs and pitching harder to my kids. Paleo is primarily about reducing inflammation in the body, so my underlying issue could still be there but perhaps it's not as noticeable?

- Alcohol - Now clearly a goal of Paleo is to cut grains out completely but if you read Robb Wolf's book he is big on "NorCal Margaritas" which is a couple of shots of good tequilla (100% Agave) with a squeezed lime or two. According to him the toxins in grains that seem to affect some people (Celiac, IBS, etc.) are killed off in the distilling process so a couple of shots of your favorite liquor are both ok and highly encouraged.
- Primal is basically the same thing as Paleo if you go to Mark's Daily Apple and check out his stuff he's considered one of the Paleo guru's out there. Talk about a uber-fit dude, he used to be a marathoner and completely disavows that protocol now, preferring wind sprints and heavy weights.

In any case I am feeling better but would not suggest it's for everyone and unfortunately my wife makes me eat fish now at least once a week, but it goes with the territory. In addition to the gut discomfort I was having I've got two good friends with diverticulitis who are about to get their intestine's chopped up and re-routed. Honestly whether or not this is a habit or not yet is up in the air if I am doing it 2 months from now then yes it was a lifestyle change.

[peeker643]

Um, damn.

Anyone see eye's inventory?

Starting to get a lil bit un-fun there, Lars.

Just one guys opinion.

Opinion noted, thanks. Do you have suggestions where I went awry? Should I shorten things up a bit maybe? I get into my "zone" when I write, and can't really control what comes out, but I can certainly edit more.

If it's not fun, it's not worth it for any of us, so I appreciate steering.

Again JOGO, but I think when we stray into taking the fantasy land that is the interwebs and getting into psychoanalysis on blast that isn't obviously grotesquely tongue in cheek (at least not to my royal denseness) we start to move from wicked black comedy to a different sort of tack that isn't so community based and is therefor destructive rather than comedic.

Not like I'm unfortunately not an expert on that or anything...

Maybe I'm Bruno Kirby in Good Morning Vietnam...

I LOL'd every time I read it.

I think Lars goes awry only if he wonders where he went awry.

I should preface that by saying that I like look at a lot of fatality accident pics.

[RickNashEquilibrium]

Wow bare cupboard this week. Lars - more travel questions. I am going to OBX and Charleston for 12 days in September but want to do a vacation before that. I've never done anything exotic but I'm thinking of taking my girl somewhere with one of these groupon/travelzoo deals. Any particulars on all inclusive trips that don't break the bank? Belize, Riviera Maya, San Juan Del Sur, Puerto Vallarta, Antigua?

[Hikohadon]

Which medieval torture would you least want practiced on you?

[FUDU]

Which medieval torture would you least want practiced on you?

The one that the new assistant coach of the State Penn football team is probably going to receive.

[Cerebral_DownTime]

Wow bare cupboard this week. Lars - more travel questions. I am going to OBX and Charleston for 12 days in September but want to do a vacation before that. I've never done anything exotic but I'm thinking of taking my girl somewhere with one of these groupon/travelzoo deals. Any particulars on all inclusive trips that don't break the bank? Belize, Riviera Maya, San Juan Del Sur, Puerto Vallarta, Antigua?

Have you ever seen Cannibal Holocaust?

[RickNashEquilibrium]

Wow bare cupboard this week. Lars - more travel questions. I am going to OBX and Charleston for 12 days in September but want to do a vacation before that. I've never done anything exotic but I'm thinking of taking my girl somewhere with one of these groupon/travelzoo deals. Any particulars on all inclusive trips that don't break the bank? Belize, Riviera Maya, San Juan Del Sur, Puerto Vallarta, Antigua?

Have you ever seen Cannibal Holocaust?

I have, and its genius. For a while after it came out weren't some people convinced it was a documentary filmed in real time?

[motherscratcher]

Wow bare cupboard this week. Lars - more travel questions. I am going to OBX and Charleston for 12 days in September but want to do a vacation before that. I've never done anything exotic but I'm thinking of taking my girl somewhere with one of these groupon/travelzoo deals. Any particulars on all inclusive trips that don't break the bank? Belize, Riviera Maya, San Juan Del Sur, Puerto Vallarta, Antigua?

Have you ever seen Cannibal Holocaust?

I have, and its genius. For a while after it came out weren't some people convinced it was a documentary filmed in real time?

Yes. In fact, if I remember right the Italian government Arrested the director and he had to find the actors to prove they weren't dead...or something like that. Incredible what they did on however small that budget was. That chick on the pole was perfect.

And that turtle was 100% real.

[Cerebral_DownTime]

Wow bare cupboard this week. Lars - more travel questions. I am going to OBX and Charleston for 12 days in September but want to do a vacation before that. I've never done anything exotic but I'm thinking of taking my girl somewhere with one of these groupon/travelzoo deals. Any particulars on all inclusive trips that don't break the bank? Belize, Riviera Maya, San Juan Del Sur, Puerto Vallarta, Antigua?

Have you ever seen Cannibal Holocaust?

I have, and its genius. For a while after it came out weren't some people convinced it was a documentary filmed in real time?

Yes. In fact, if I remember right the Italian government Arrested the director and he had to find the actors to prove they weren't dead...or something like that. Incredible what they did on however small that budget was. That chick on the pole was perfect.

And that turtle was 100% real.

The director actually had to release the actors from agreements they mad to keep quiet for 1 year after the film's debut. They charged him with murder.

And the turtle scene was real. So was the shrew getting gutted, the snake, the pig, an the monkey which has the top of it's head lobbed off by the machete. They actually had film that twice because the locals consider monkey brains a delicacy.

[LarsHancock]

Um, damn.

Anyone see eye's inventory?

Starting to get a lil bit un-fun there, Lars.

Just one guys opinion.

Opinion noted, thanks. Do you have suggestions where I went awry? Should I shorten things up a bit maybe? I get into my "zone" when I write, and can't really control what comes out, but I can certainly edit more.

If it's not fun, it's not worth it for any of us, so I appreciate steering.

Again JOGO, but I think when we stray into taking the fantasy land that is the interwebs and getting into psychoanalysis on blast that isn't obviously grotesquely tongue in cheek (at least not to my royal denseness) we start to move from wicked black comedy to a different sort of tack that isn't so community based and is therefor destructive rather than comedic.

Not like I'm unfortunately not an expert on that or anything...

Maybe I'm Bruno Kirby in Good Morning Vietnam...

Noted.

When I psychoanalyze e0, he knows where it's coming from, so there isn't any chance of implied malice or injury to feelings (heck, you need feelings to have them injured, right?). e0 on these boards is a caricature anyway - nobody is that soulless and black on the inside, even if e0 may actually believe he is. Doing psychoanalysis on said caricature is a pretty safe form of comedy akin to wondering what sort of porn Fred Flintstone would enjoy (the answer, obviously, being CFNM).

By the way kids, if you every want to feel really good about your life, visit Haiti for a while. This week's column may be a little disturbing to some, but I'll try to do something to tie it together to the usual fare while by no means making light of an incredibly serious topic to me.

[Cerebral_DownTime]

Everybody dance now?

[LarsHancock]

Still room for 2-3 more questions this week if you have them. And since I'm in no mood to work after the holiday yesterday, it's a good time to write...

[motherscratcher]

When grilling burgers, is it necessary to season both sides of the patty? Does it matter if you season after they are already on the grill or before hand? Should the buns be buttered? How lean should the meat be? Should you mix anything with the meat, like chunks of cheddar cheese? Does any of this matter?...I mean, they're just burgers. They are hard to screw up.

[motherscratcher]

I love Albert Pujols. He's one of the best players in the history of the game. But after getting "gunned" down at second Wednesday by Johnny Fucking Damon, I'm wondering if he should be allowed to play anymore.

[RickNashEquilibrium]

Still room for 2-3 more questions this week if you have them. And since I'm in no mood to work after the holiday yesterday, it's a good time to write...

Maybe I should direct this at EO because he has no problem with hooking up with married women and who else knows how many at the same time. Anyways, I've become a late bloomer in life. I was never a chick magnet in college nor during my 20's but over the past year or so that has really changed. I don't know if its my confidence level due to my moderate amount of career success but something has definitely changed. As we discussed, I'm seeing this new girl who's young and loves to party. We talked things over and while we want things to continue, we agreed it will not be anything serious/committal for the time being. Part of me thinks its okay to go out to explore, but part of me knows that I have NO idea what women are thinking at any given time. Maybe she does want something constant but isn't being honest with herself. With that being the case, what are the rules for dating around and meeting new people or possibly taking something to another level with a friend I already have? Pardon the juvenile nature of this drawn out question, but I'm the quintessential youngest of 3 boys and a poster-boy for the 30 year old boy persona ALA Cornelius from Fight Club. This is partially embarrassing, but there are plenty of guys around here with way more life/worldly/womanly experience and I would appreciate any guidance I can get.

[RickNashEquilibrium]

When grilling burgers, is it necessary to season both sides of the patty? Does it matter if you season after they are already on the grill or before hand? Should the buns be buttered? How lean should the meat be? Should you mix anything with the meat, like chunks of cheddar cheese? Does any of this matter?...I mean, they're just burgers. They are hard to screw up.

Lars, I am taking this one. If you are going to season, brush a little canola oil on each side of the burger then add desired level of salt/pepper/etc. Place on hot grill and remember to turn the burgers ONCE AND ONLY ONCE. Each side should have a nice "crust" to lock in the flavor and you get that by having the coals at the right temperature and sealing one side then flipping it to finish. Buttered buns are a preference rather than a necessity. I typically like my burgers 80/20 if using normal ground round and 85/15 if using ground sirloin. I've never been a huge fan of the stuffed burger when grilling at home and prefer really good quality meat with few/simple toppings: Mustard, relish, onion, pepper jack cheese, bacon, bacon, pulled pork, maybe a few jalepenos, bacon. And for gods sake do not overcook them. Meat should never be cooked beyond medium for any reason other than if someone has a stomach issue and cannot withstand fattier meat.

[LarsHancock]

When grilling burgers, is it necessary to season both sides of the patty? Does it matter if you season after they are already on the grill or before hand? Should the buns be buttered? How lean should the meat be? Should you mix anything with the meat, like chunks of cheddar cheese? Does any of this matter?...I mean, they're just burgers. They are hard to screw up.

Lars, I am taking this one. If you are going to season, brush a little canola oil on each side of the burger then add desired level of salt/pepper/etc. Place on hot grill and remember to turn the burgers ONCE AND ONLY ONCE. Each side should have a nice "crust" to lock in the flavor and you get that by having the coals at the right temperature and sealing one side then flipping it to finish. Buttered buns are a preference rather than a necessity. I typically like my burgers 80/20 if using normal ground round and 85/15 if using ground sirloin. I've never been a huge fan of the stuffed burger when grilling at home and prefer really good quality meat with few/simple toppings: Mustard, relish, onion, pepper jack cheese, bacon, bacon, pulled pork, maybe a few jalepenos, bacon. And for gods sake do not overcook them. Meat should never be cooked beyond medium for any reason other than if someone has a stomach issue and cannot withstand fattier meat.

great answer.

I'd add one thing: salt on the outside helps to form that crust. Absolutely make sure you S&P both sides before grilling, and definitely salt the meat before forming patties. This is why you should salt anything you grill or sear or anything - it draws the moisture out and facilitates a better Maillard reaction, which is the process that turns it from "meat" to "tasty".

Here's the thing about putting little "easter eggs" inside the meat: it doesn't make the burger better, in fact, it probably makes it a little worse as it alters the cooking process. But, if you're looking to spark some conversation among guests/family members, "hey, there's some little crunchy pickle bits inside here! Cool!" will make you look all fancy and stuff. So go ahead if you want, but RNE's analysis is spot on - make a tasty burger, keep it simple, and everyone will like it better.

Oh, and if you are ever tempted to press down on the burgers while cooking them, just place your hand directly on the grates instead. It will teach you not to ruin your burgers.

[FUDU]

I always add ice chips to my homemade burgers. When making the patties I add the ice chips, then freeze them for a lil while (if I'm making things in advance). Makes for some nice juicy burgers when all is said and done.

Actually learned that from watching the local news, amid all the usual drab and negative reports they managed to squeeze that tip in.

[RickNashEquilibrium]

I always add ice chips to my homemade burgers. When making the patties I add the ice chips, then freeze them for a lil while (if I'm making things in advance). Makes for some nice juicy burgers when all is said and done.

Actually learned that from watching the local news, amid all the usual drab and negative reports they managed to squeeze that tip in.

For some reason, I couldn't help picturing this:

[googleeph2]

Lars, I am a 'classic rock' guy who appreciates good guitar music of any genre.
I need new stuff to listen to. I do think the music of Phish is tremendous, and have only started listening to that stuff in the last couple years.

With this in mind, what post-2000 artists would you recommend I give a listen to?

[Cerebral_DownTime]

Grilled burgers are aight. They're not as good as ones fried up in a skillet though.

DU babbling about ice chips is fun for me to read.

[CAVSTRIBEBROWNSin07!]

Have you ever seen Cannibal Holocaust?

I have, and its genius. For a while after it came out weren't some people convinced it was a documentary filmed in real time?

I thought it was real until I read this thread.

[CAVSTRIBEBROWNSin07!]

Lars, should men with women's names be mocked, or because they had no choice in the matter do they get a mulligan? Also, is it weird that I root for players like Addison Reed just because they sound like hotties? I mean, I'd fuck an Addison Reed.

[Cerebral_DownTime]

Have you ever seen Cannibal Holocaust?

I have, and its genius. For a while after it came out weren't some people convinced it was a documentary filmed in real time?

I thought it was real until I read this thread.

It's a sick fuckin' flick.

[FUDU]

Burgers in a skillet are gay, almost as gay as being 6'10". A guy like that should be in a Sonic commercial swatting tater tots in car.

[Larvell Blanks]

Burgers in a skillet are gay, almost as gay as being 6'10". A guy like that should be in a Sonic commercial swatting tater tots in car.

Not if it's a cast iron skillet b/c he could then use it like a tennis racket across your face after making his tasty burger.

They'd have to change the camera angle b/c his head would be sticking out the top of the car like Dino's.

CDT and I could do a commercial where we're turning over cars in a Sonic parking lot, choking people out telling them they should be eating burgers at Thurman's (minus ice chips)

[Cerebral_DownTime]

Burgers in a skillet are gay, almost as gay as being 6'10". A guy like that should be in a Sonic commercial swatting tater tots in car.

Not if it's a cast iron skillet b/c he could then use it like a tennis racket across your face after making his tasty burger.

They'd have to change the camera angle b/c his head would be sticking out the top of the car like Dino's.

CDT and I could do a commercial where we're turning over cars in a Sonic parking lot, choking people out telling them they should be eating burgers at Thurman's (minus ice chips)

Fuckin A.

Cast Iron. Fucking thing is probably older than 75% of the people here.

And yes. I'll do that commercial. It's been a spell since I flipped a car or choked anyone out with my freakish banana fingers.

[motherscratcher]

I grill burgers, more because I like to be outside drinking beer and tending the grill. But I have heard that they (and everything else) is fantastic in cast iron. And you're not supposed to clean it or some shit like that.

Actually:

Lars: Where do you stand on the use of cast iron in cooking? Easy or hard? Over or underrated? No big deal?

[Cerebral_DownTime]

I grill burgers, more because I like to be outside drinking beer and tending the grill. But I have heard that they (and everything else) is fantastic in cast iron. And you're not supposed to clean it or some shit like that.

Actually:

Lars: Where do you stand on the use of cast iron in cooking? Easy or hard? Over or underrated? No big deal?

I just wipe the grease out really well with paper towel and put in back in the cabinet.

And I enjoy manning the grill too. Just not in this weather.

[Erie Warrior]

Lars, use the kayaks to fish.

[peeker643]

Dear Lars- Where does all the shit from port-o-pots end up? How big a business is that? Similarly, what about cruise ship waste? It's gotta go to a holding tank but then what? How's it treated on board and then when it's offloaded? Or do they just release it near Cuba?

Just wondering. Topic kinda hit me while watching Chris Perez pitch the 9th inning today.

[pod2dawg]

Lars,

My friend owns a water bottling company. He laughs all day. Why?

Thanks!

Pod

[Larvell Blanks]

Lars,

Why is it that everytime Point Break is on cable, regardless of what I'm doing, I have to watch it til the end?

Larvell

[e0y2e3]

^ probably the same reason I've never made it through more than 15 minutes of it.

[Hikohadon]

^ probably the same reason I've never made it through more than 15 minutes of it.

Have to agree. I don't think I've made it through more than 5 minutes before I felt my brain slipping out my ear.

Now if there was some nudity to act as a redeemable quality...

[motherscratcher]

What kind of a giant asshole doesn't consider Point Break a modern classic? Point Break kicks ass and I'll not hear otherwise. If CDTs wife has twins then "Bodie and Dalton" damn well better be on the short list.

You guys are ridiculous.

[FUDU]

Put me in The Point Break camp.

Johnny freakn Utah.

[RickNashEquilibrium]

What I find even more ridiculous is that Keanu Reeves has been cast as a washed up, failed QB from Ohio State in 2 separate movies a decade apart.

[e0y2e3]

What kind of a giant asshole doesn't consider Point Break a modern classic? Point Break kicks ass and I'll not hear otherwise. If CDTs wife has twins then "Bodie and Dalton" damn well better be on the short list.

You guys are ridiculous.

FUDU and you become the same person every single week.

I hope that keeps you up at night.

Hell I'm sure it keeps him up at night.

I wouldn't wish a FUDU/mother hybrid upon my worst enemey, yet it seems to be birthing itself.

[mattvan1]

What kind of a giant asshole doesn't consider Point Break a modern classic? Point Break kicks ass and I'll not hear otherwise. If CDTs wife has twins then "Bodie and Dalton" damn well better be on the short list.

You guys are ridiculous.

FUDU and you become the same person every single week.

I hope that keeps you up at night.

Hell I'm sure it keeps him up at night.

I wouldn't wish a FUDU/mother hybrid upon my worst enemey, yet it seems to be birthing itself.

Next up will be an obsession with Diane Lane

[FUDU]

The best part is, CDT on a few occasions, has claimed me & t0a2r3d are the same person.

I'm nice though.

[motherscratcher]

FUDU only wishes he was me, with my thick lustrous head of hair.