Out of Bounds: New TCF Column

[motherscratcher]

Lars, now that Maria Sharapova got into the French Open Finals, can she finally stop choking finals and win one?

Why, yes, I did predict the exact final set score, thank you for noticing.

HOLY FUCKING CHRIST IS THAT BARRY HOROWITZ?!!??!

Also, after getting unexpectedly unengaged last year, my ex is now pregnant with a guy she is desperately trying to love but no one really trusts and I'm dating a 22 year-old blonde ex-gymnast who now works in finance. Not sure where I am going with this but yeah, the Horowitz pic along with the start to this summer, life is the winzors.

I got unexpectedly unengaged once. It was absolutley without question the best thing that ever happened to me.

[Cerebral_DownTime]

My wife did gymnastics for like 12 years. My in-laws were all super serious about it too. They actually blamed me for her quitting.

[jb]

I got unexpectedly unengaged once. It was absolutley without question the best thing that ever happened to me.

I'm sure it beat the shotgun going off.

[LarsHancock]

Lars,

Now that I have put my Celtic jersey back in the drawer, should I buy an OKC jersey?

Thanks!

pod

p.s. How many NBA titles do you predict Lebron will win?

My second favorite team is "whoever is playing the Heat", or "whoever is playing the Steelers" or "whoever is playing the Ravens". When they make that team jersey, it is time to buy one. Until then, just sit and hate the Heat in your street clothes.

Lebron will win exactly zero titles, starting with this year. Why? Simple - you'll never be able to put the right team around him to win. Dwight Howard will have zero titles as well. And Lebron isn't going to get any of the old man Robert Horry type of titles at the end of his career, because his game does not translate into the role player on a championship team type of play. It's all about him, and he'll never change, especially as long as he has the sycophants from LRMR and ESPN fellating his every move as genius.

Lots of questions this week, looks like I'm going to have to push some to next week when I will have a guest columnist write your responses.

[e0y2e3]

Lars,

Did Ronnie Reagon and The Dream Team join forces to cripple the USSR?

[LarsHancock]

Lars, now that Maria Sharapova got into the French Open Finals, can she finally stop choking finals and win one?

Why, yes, I did predict the exact final set score, thank you for noticing.

HOLY FUCKING CHRIST IS THAT BARRY HOROWITZ?!!??!

Also, after getting unexpectedly unengaged last year, my ex is now pregnant with a guy she is desperately trying to love but no one really trusts and I'm dating a 22 year-old blonde ex-gymnast who now works in finance. Not sure where I am going with this but yeah, the Horowitz pic along with the start to this summer, life is the winzors.

Barry Horowitz FTW! Kind of thought the picture of a career jobber patting himself on the back was appropriate for my blind-squirrel moment of clarity.

You gotta love it when the Lebron ex-girlfriend meets with such a fate. I always figured that the ones that couldn't commit were doing me a favor by breaking up with me and/or cheating on me. And they were, because free of the drama, distrust, and disdain, my life was ALWAYS happier, regardless of how hot she was. I just didn't realize it when I was in their web.

Sounds like the same happened to you, so congrats on your intelligent successful younger gymnast gf. Now don't fuck it up.

[Cerebral_DownTime]

Better than going to dinner with the Brooklyn Brawler or Doink the Clown.

[pod2dawg]

Lars,

Is it true the best Chinese food in America is at Wo Hops, ChinaTown N.Y.C.?

Thanks!

pod

[pod2dawg]

Lars,

Did we come from Adam & Eve? Evolve from Apes? Planted here or engineered by extraterrestrials ? Offspring of extraterrestrials mating with humans ? ....?.....?

I am just a simple man, but I have examined the fossil record and frankly it doesn't seem to support any of the proposed theories .

Thanks,

pods uncle

[pup]

Lars,

Do you find it remarkable that halfway through June, 44 right handed hitters have hit as many or more home runs than the Cleveland Indians have hit as a team from the right side?

Pup's Uncle's Nephew

[That_Guy™]

Better than going to dinner with the Brooklyn Brawler or Doink the Clown.

Doink is far and away the better choice. He would bring midgets. An midgets are always hilarious.

[Erie Warrior]

Lars,
My son ( 12) was called upon to sacrifice bunt in a baseball tourney game last week while his team was up 10-0. Was I wrong to to join the other team in disparaging remarks against his coach?
Thanks!
pod

Was it the old "step on the plate and bunt to end this game quickly" bunt? Because I've dialed that up several times during games that were out of reach or in danger of being cancelled due to weather.

[RickNashEquilibrium]

You gotta love it when the Lebron ex-girlfriend meets with such a fate. I always figured that the ones that couldn't commit were doing me a favor by breaking up with me and/or cheating on me. And they were, because free of the drama, distrust, and disdain, my life was ALWAYS happier, regardless of how hot she was. I just didn't realize it when I was in their web.

Sounds like the same happened to you, so congrats on your intelligent successful younger gymnast gf. Now don't fuck it up.

I'll try not to. There is a bit of an age/maturity gap (I'm 29 she's 22) so that might be a bit of change for me, but so far everything is going well. We're both just focused being happy, having fun and enjoying each other's company. I ain't rushing into another debacle like a did a few years ago which is all I want - NO DRAMA.

Might as well post a question here - Blondes Vs Brunettes and tall toned and slender vs petite tight and athletic (I kinda know the answer based on the descriptions of your wife but I want to the why)

[CAVSTRIBEBROWNSin07!]

Also, after getting unexpectedly unengaged last year, my ex is now pregnant with a guy she is desperately trying to love but no one really trusts and I'm dating a 22 year-old blonde ex-gymnast who now works in finance. Not sure where I am going with this but yeah, the Horowitz pic along with the start to this summer, life is the winzors.

Fuck you, my life is the exact opposite story. I got unexpectedly unengaged from a smoking hot 22 year old gymnast who works in finance and is now married to a raging rich douchebag, and now my homely wife who I'm desperately trying to love is pregnant.

[e0y2e3]

Fuck Kids and Fuck Wives

[peeker643]

Fuck Kids and Fuck Wives

^^^^^^

Jerry Sandusky, everybody!!

[LarsHancock]

Fuck Kids and Fuck Wives

^^^^^^

Jerry Sandusky, everybody!!

I can't even read about that piece of filth's trial anymore. Made the mistake of reading the recap of one of the witnesses, and it made me physically ill. Now the headlines are sufficient to make me nauseous.

Jerry Sandusky is a horrible human being who preyed on disadvantaged kids. I sincerely hope that he gets raped in prison every day until they bury his disgusting corpse, and maybe once or twice after that. How he acted with such disdain for every principle of human decency we hold sacred as a civilized society is disgusting, and how he is so remorseless for all of the damage he did to the countless boys shows he has no soul.

Every Penn St. administrator who looked the other way should be in jail as well, and someone should go piss on the corpse of Joe Paterno for good measure.

Sandusky even makes the sorry likes of e0 seem like Ghandi in comparison.

[LarsHancock]

Might as well post a question here - Blondes Vs Brunettes and tall toned and slender vs petite tight and athletic (I kinda know the answer based on the descriptions of your wife but I want to the why)

I think you'll pretty much figure that out in my column. I'm a big animal, and I don't like frail prissy shrinking violets. I like my life partner to be somewhat equal to me, or even superior to me in some ways. I don't need someone who I just dominate and repress her will, physically and/or mentally - this isn't the 50s anymore, and I'm confident enough in myself to have my wife on equal or higher footing than me. That's why I like women to be more athletic and strong, because that translates mentally as well.

[e0y2e3]

Who is that gangly mfer in your writer picture and has he ever clydsdaled his way around that bases at The Jake?

[peeker643]

Fuck Kids and Fuck Wives

^^^^^^

Jerry Sandusky, everybody!!

Sandusky even makes the sorry likes of e0 seem like Ghandi in comparison.

Holy crap.

That truly puts it in perspective for me.

[LarsHancock]

Who is that gangly mfer in your writer picture and has he ever clydsdaled his way around that bases at The Jake?

I had more homers in 2009 at the Jake than Jhonny Peralta, our starting 3B, did until almost September. I'm 1 for 2 career BA there, OPS of 2.500. Just slightly older than Damon. Hey, I think I found a good* solution to our right field woes!


* and by good I mean "just as terrible".

[jb]

Um, damn.

Anyone see eye's inventory?

Starting to get a lil bit un-fun there, Lars.

Just one guys opinion.

[Cerebral_DownTime]

Better than going to dinner with the Brooklyn Brawler or Doink the Clown.

Doink is far and away the better choice. He would bring midgets. An midgets are always hilarious.

No midgets allowed.

They should be all kept in one spot so I can monitor them.

Wallet stealing fucks.

[pod2dawg]

Lars,
My son ( 12) was called upon to sacrifice bunt in a baseball tourney game last week while his team was up 10-0. Was I wrong to to join the other team in disparaging remarks against his coach?
Thanks!
pod

Was it the old "step on the plate and bunt to end this game quickly" bunt? Because I've dialed that up several times during games that were out of reach or in danger of being cancelled due to weather.

Nah, Erie, wish it was. This was the inexperienced "dad" coach at 3rd that had no clue he was rubbing it in the other team's face just caus he could. By the way, that team did kick our ass the next week by a 10 run margin.

[LarsHancock]

Um, damn.

Anyone see eye's inventory?

Starting to get a lil bit un-fun there, Lars.

Just one guys opinion.

Opinion noted, thanks. Do you have suggestions where I went awry? Should I shorten things up a bit maybe? I get into my "zone" when I write, and can't really control what comes out, but I can certainly edit more.

If it's not fun, it's not worth it for any of us, so I appreciate steering.

[peeker643]

Um, damn.

Anyone see eye's inventory?

Starting to get a lil bit un-fun there, Lars.

Just one guys opinion.

Opinion noted, thanks. Do you have suggestions where I went awry? Should I shorten things up a bit maybe? I get into my "zone" when I write, and can't really control what comes out, but I can certainly edit more.

If it's not fun, it's not worth it for any of us, so I appreciate steering.

I thought it was the best Out of Bounds column ever.

No shit.

Also just one guy's opinion. And, no, don't set out to shorten it. The whole point is to dedicate as much or little (if any) time and words to whatever you want. I thought the column was entertaining, funny, poignant and honest.

Now, if you're talking about the e0y part specifically, well, there are a couple things I think are worthy of mentioning:

You post a question and get an answer or a response then you got what you asked for. You post about a conquest you reap what you sow. You post about a conquest with multiple married chicks and have the bona fides online that e0y has and, yeah, you probably walked into a sauna.

It ain't gonna kill ya. It ain't gonna scar you forever, but it's going to be uncomfortably warm for a few minutes.

I "talk" to e0y a lot online. Love it. He pisses me off occasionally and I agree with him occasionally but to me, e0y is a boat propeller. He churns up water, you don't want to get caught in the blades and he moves the conversation.

That said, if e0y walked up to me right now I'd never know it. I'd be willing to bet no one here would know if they ran into him at the casino or at a game and that he has experienced not a single uncomfortable moment wherever he's spending this beautiful day in terms of his friends, colleagues and co-workers working him about that blurb in the The Cleveland Fan..

Not to mention I agree wholeheartedly with the response Lars provided.

You know what sucks?
Marriage. Right up until you're married.
Kids. Right up until you have one.
The wealthy. Right up until you're one of them (so they still very, very much suck to me).

Keep doing what you're doing Lars. Go where it takes you. That's the whole point of having your own column.

And people freaking love it.

[FUDU]

Frank Lars I think you need to be even more verbose.

JB doesn't read good so all those big words you use probably confuse him. That's what an inner city Cleveland HS edumuhcation will do for ya.

[Cerebral_DownTime]

Agree with Peek. Don't change a thing I love the column just the way it is. I love the rambling nature. It some aspects it reminds me of Hunter Thompson.

but to me, e0y is a boat propeller. He churns up water, you don't want to get caught in the blades and he moves the conversation.

Yes. He's a trolling motor.

ZING!

[FUDU]

Quite the joker ^.

[Cerebral_DownTime]

Quite the joker ^.

Peek put it on a tee.

[FUDU]

[Cerebral_DownTime]

I'm not getting sucked into the FUDU vortex.

Go fuck yourself, Dart owner.

[LarsHancock]

Agree with Peek. Don't change a thing I love the column just the way it is. I love the rambling nature. It some aspects it reminds me of Hunter Thompson.

I take that as a huge compliment. I actually try to emulate his style, because it was so brilliant, throw in a little Dennis Miller, and do some things that are uniquely Lars. That's my "zone".

You also solved the eternal mystery of what my avatar should be. It was so obvious too. Patrick Bateman was an improvement over Morton Downey Jr, but this is what I want it to be.

I'm not above a little criticism - I'm a bog boy and can handle, plus, if you listen, it makes you better. Besides, if nobody hates you, you're clearly not trying hard enough (e0, you're level of effort, just fine, obviously )

[Cerebral_DownTime]

Agree with Peek. Don't change a thing I love the column just the way it is. I love the rambling nature. It some aspects it reminds me of Hunter Thompson.

I take that as a huge compliment. I actually try to emulate his style, because it was so brilliant, throw in a little Dennis Miller, and do some things that are uniquely Lars. That's my "zone".

You also solved the eternal mystery of what my avatar should be. It was so obvious too. Patrick Bateman was an improvement over Morton Downey Jr, but this is what I want it to be.

I'm not above a little criticism - I'm a bog boy and can handle, plus, if you listen, it makes you better. Besides, if nobody hates you, you're clearly not trying hard enough (e0, you're level of effort, just fine, obviously )

I have that same picture hanging in my den. It's a massive fucker too. 4'X4'

[e0y2e3]

For one, I was sort of joking.... I'm not THAT bad.

For two, Lars knows me well enough to have known my reaction to that segment before he finished typing it. Lars and Peeks and JB have all said worse about me and I say way worse about Peeks bald ass every day. Now, I do believe Lars is a dick, but that is just because he is around to annoy me too much.

And one day when I am not on a phone I will explain to Lars why his myopic and sanctimonious garble gets even worse when he paints it with such a large stroke (hey! We both do the same thing!!!).

Just ignore JB, he's got innocent parental at PSU to harass and then has to thank the dream team for ending the cold war.

[e0y2e3]

Sort of joking is pretty open doored though...

[Fire Marshall Bill]

Agree with Peek. Don't change a thing I love the column just the way it is. I love the rambling nature. It some aspects it reminds me of Hunter Thompson.

I take that as a huge compliment. I actually try to emulate his style, because it was so brilliant, throw in a little Dennis Miller, and do some things that are uniquely Lars. That's my "zone".

You also solved the eternal mystery of what my avatar should be. It was so obvious too. Patrick Bateman was an improvement over Morton Downey Jr, but this is what I want it to be.

I'm not above a little criticism - I'm a bog boy and can handle, plus, if you listen, it makes you better. Besides, if nobody hates you, you're clearly not trying hard enough (e0, you're level of effort, just fine, obviously )

Did he ever kill anyone?

Was he ever in a gun fight?

'cuz if not, he's just another pretender

[LarsHancock]

For one, I was sort of joking.... I'm not THAT bad.

For two, Lars knows me well enough to have known my reaction to that segment before he finished typing it. Lars and Peeks and JB have all said worse about me and I say way worse about Peeks bald ass every day. Now, I do believe Lars is a dick, but that is just because he is around to annoy me too much.

And one day when I am not on a phone I will explain to Lars why his myopic and sanctimonious garble gets even worse when he paints it with such a large stroke (hey! We both do the same thing!!!).

Just ignore JB, he's got innocent parental at PSU to harass and then has to thank the dream team for ending the cold war.

You being hyperbolic? That's shocking.

Re: myopic and sanctimonious garble: I look forward to your wisdom as always. Next time in Boston, we'll settle it over some shots. Shots which you cannot force me to drink via peer pressure, but which I will voluntarily drink on my own free will.

[LarsHancock]

I have that same picture hanging in my den. It's a massive fucker too. 4'X4'

Level of surprise: 0

[FUDU]

The next TCF event should have a dunk tank, in which non site staff/writers can dunk site staff/writers.

Lars should have to go first.

[Cerebral_DownTime]

Did he ever kill anyone?

Was he ever in a gun fight?

'cuz if not, he's just another pretender

lol wut?

[Cerebral_DownTime]

I have that same picture hanging in my den. It's a massive fucker too. 4'X4'

Level of surprise: 0

My den is awesome. all kinds of sports stuff, flags, and shooting targets on the walls.

[FUDU]

For next week: Lars, why is CDT so afraid to come to CTown for a draft party or tailgate? I'm starting to think his whole persona is just a cover, and that he has insecurity issues?

[e0y2e3]

Because you are there FUDU. No one wants to meet you. No. One.

[Cerebral_DownTime]

For next week: Lars, why is CDT so afraid to come to CTown for a draft party or tailgate? I'm starting to think his whole persona is just a cover, and that he has insecurity issues?

No, I am who I am.

Who would pick such a bizarre cover story?

Why don't you Cleveland fuckos come down here for a tailgate?

[FUDU]

We will, do we have to bring guns, and ammo? You're not going to have eye jump out of a cake when we get there are you?

[Cerebral_DownTime]

We will, do we have to bring guns, and ammo? You're not going to have eye jump out of a cake when we get there are you?

No. Just come down and have some beer and food like normal humans.

[e0y2e3]

For one, I was sort of joking.... I'm not THAT bad.

For two, Lars knows me well enough to have known my reaction to that segment before he finished typing it. Lars and Peeks and JB have all said worse about me and I say way worse about Peeks bald ass every day. Now, I do believe Lars is a dick, but that is just because he is around to annoy me too much.

And one day when I am not on a phone I will explain to Lars why his myopic and sanctimonious garble gets even worse when he paints it with such a large stroke (hey! We both do the same thing!!!).

Just ignore JB, he's got innocent parental at PSU to harass and then has to thank the dream team for ending the cold war.

You being hyperbolic? That's shocking.

Re: myopic and sanctimonious garble: I look forward to your wisdom as always. Next time in Boston, we'll settle it over some shots. Shots which you cannot force me to drink via peer pressure, but which I will voluntarily drink on my own free will.

It always ends in peer pressure.

And I always win.

[e0y2e3]

Oh and then I get to call you old, which is always grand.

[LarsHancock]

For one, I was sort of joking.... I'm not THAT bad.

For two, Lars knows me well enough to have known my reaction to that segment before he finished typing it. Lars and Peeks and JB have all said worse about me and I say way worse about Peeks bald ass every day. Now, I do believe Lars is a dick, but that is just because he is around to annoy me too much.

And one day when I am not on a phone I will explain to Lars why his myopic and sanctimonious garble gets even worse when he paints it with such a large stroke (hey! We both do the same thing!!!).

Just ignore JB, he's got innocent parental at PSU to harass and then has to thank the dream team for ending the cold war.

You being hyperbolic? That's shocking.

Re: myopic and sanctimonious garble: I look forward to your wisdom as always. Next time in Boston, we'll settle it over some shots. Shots which you cannot force me to drink via peer pressure, but which I will voluntarily drink on my own free will.

It always ends in peer pressure.

And I always win.

Remind me again who did that last horrible cherry shot thing. I seem to be having trouble remembering in my old age.