Out of Bounds: New TCF Column

[motherscratcher]

So if I'm understanding this correctly (and I'm pretty sure I am), you are saying that I should put Stadium Mustard on Tilapia? Will do.

But stop with your bullshit about "pangasisus". That's not a real thing. Who do you take me for, Ziner?

[Hikohadon]

Forget the ketchup. Use this. It looks like ketchup but tastes 100x better

Love that stuff, have yet to find anything it doesn't go good on.

Second that. When I was trying to lose weight for my wedding, I put it on rice cakes. Fucking awesome rice cakes.

[Cerebral_DownTime]

Forget the ketchup. Use this. It looks like ketchup but tastes 100x better

Love that stuff, have yet to find anything it doesn't go good on.

Second that. When I was trying to lose weight for my wedding, I put it on rice cakes. Fucking awesome rice cakes.

I love to take some Fritos in a bowl and toss them around in the Sriracha sauce. One of my favorite snacks when watching sports at home.

[Cerebral_DownTime]

Lars, werewolf or vampire?

[JCoz]

Forget the ketchup. Use this. It looks like ketchup but tastes 100x better

Love that stuff, have yet to find anything it doesn't go good on.

Second that. When I was trying to lose weight for my wedding, I put it on rice cakes. Fucking awesome rice cakes.

This is good in deviled eggs and egg salad to. And lentil soup, and yah....pretty much everything.

Now this is making me want to go eat some Pho tonight.

[JCoz]

Lars, why does sex always feel better the day after a night of heavy drinking? Has to be some science to that.

[FUDU]

Lars, using your unrivaled wisdom, what age is the best age of one's life. I'm not talking Lower Paleolithic, the Bronze, nor Reconstuction or Gilded...I'm talking in terms of how old a person is, 10, 18, 30, 50 etc?

[peeker643]

Dear Lars,

Brian Windhorst is LeBron's personal scribe and bitch. He says LeBron may have had stayed in Cleveland had Mike Brown been fired before the 2009 season or so.

You think that's the truth or is it just May/June in LeBronville, where truth and accountability are skewed by his pilot fish like Mav Carter and Windhorst in order to put him in a better light?

[Hikohadon]

Dear Lars,

Brian Windhorst is LeBron's personal scribe and bitch. He says LeBron may have had stayed in Cleveland had Mike Brown been fired before the 2009 season or so.

You think that's the truth or is it just May/June in LeBronville, where truth and accountability are skewed by his pilot fish like Mav Carter and Windhorst in order to put him in a better light?

Not sure how a player getting ownership to fire his coach to make him happy puts him in a better light.

[peeker643]

Dear Lars,

Brian Windhorst is LeBron's personal scribe and bitch. He says LeBron may have had stayed in Cleveland had Mike Brown been fired before the 2009 season or so.

You think that's the truth or is it just May/June in LeBronville, where truth and accountability are skewed by his pilot fish like Mav Carter and Windhorst in order to put him in a better light?

Not sure how a player getting ownership to fire his coach to make him happy puts him in a better light.

It's a small light. One under which only LeBron's ego can fit.

So maybe it's not that small a light but...

[Hikohadon]

Dear Lars,

Brian Windhorst is LeBron's personal scribe and bitch. He says LeBron may have had stayed in Cleveland had Mike Brown been fired before the 2009 season or so.

You think that's the truth or is it just May/June in LeBronville, where truth and accountability are skewed by his pilot fish like Mav Carter and Windhorst in order to put him in a better light?

Not sure how a player getting ownership to fire his coach to make him happy puts him in a better light.

It's a small light. One under which only LeBron's ego can fit.

So maybe it's not that small a light but...

Oh, it's a light, all right, but it might be bad and dark as night.

[peeker643]

Dear Lars,

Brian Windhorst is LeBron's personal scribe and bitch. He says LeBron may have had stayed in Cleveland had Mike Brown been fired before the 2009 season or so.

You think that's the truth or is it just May/June in LeBronville, where truth and accountability are skewed by his pilot fish like Mav Carter and Windhorst in order to put him in a better light?

Not sure how a player getting ownership to fire his coach to make him happy puts him in a better light.

It's a small light. One under which only LeBron's ego can fit.

So maybe it's not that small a light but...

Oh, it's a light, all right, but it might be bad and dark as night.

It's another 'elbow injury', Gloria banging Delonte and/or some NBA player banging his girlfriend, IMO.

All put out there by his posse or personal biographer.

[Cerebral_DownTime]

I FUCKING HATE DEVILED EGGS!

[jb]

I FUCKING HATE DEVILED EGGS!

+ 1

Every food mentioned upthread = brussell spouts. Egg salad? Know how I know ur gay?

And a turkey sammich is inedible without mayo.

Lars lost major suburban cred putting mayo on blast like that.

Don't trust any man abnormally skinny.

[RickNashEquilibrium]

CTD - "Hot dogs are gross anyway.

F-."

Wow. In close to 40 years of life, I've never been told that it's wrong to put ketchup on a hot dog. I've tried different mustards, but nothing is as good as ketchup on a dog. Next you'll tell me that I shouldn't put ketchup on my brats either. What is this world coming to...

What you've just said is one of the most insanely idiotic things I have ever heard. At no point in your rambling, incoherent response were you even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. Everyone on this board is now dumber for having read it. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul.

[RickNashEquilibrium]

Anything goes on dogs....esp bacon

Brats are tasteless crap....Italian hot sausage with peppers & onions is the only way to go

Salmon is disgusting...I had to eat it when I was a kid because it was cheap

Now its fashionable like sushi and it cost 15 $ a lb.........suckers

...and a touch of tartar on fried oysters is to die for

...and PartII, FUDU is the last person on earth to get food tips from...even if he somehow gets it right, he's still wrong

The only god damn thing that goes on oysters of any kind is a dash of tabasco and maybe a squeeze of lemon.

For the record, I now understand why many people fail in the restaurant business. I bet some of you even put steak sauce on steak. Hint - if you're buying steak that needs steak sauce, save yourself the damn money and learn how to properly roast/grill a london broil.

[RickNashEquilibrium]

I FUCKING HATE DEVILED EGGS!

+ 1

Every food mentioned upthread = brussell spouts. Egg salad? Know how I know ur gay?

And a turkey sammich is inedible without mayo.

Lars lost major suburban cred putting mayo on blast like that.

Don't trust any man abnormally skinny.

Fuck I'm angry today and this just did it. If you want white goop that tastes completely synthetic with horrible texture, I got some stuff to sell you. Spicy or dijon mustard on a turkey sandwich friend, nothing else. And hating on brussels sprouts? Saute some of those up with garlic and olive oil, add some fried bacon and reduce with a rich chicken stock = winning.

You're all heathens.

[jb]

I FUCKING HATE DEVILED EGGS!

+ 1

Every food mentioned upthread = brussell spouts. Egg salad? Know how I know ur gay?

And a turkey sammich is inedible without mayo.

Lars lost major suburban cred putting mayo on blast like that.

Don't trust any man abnormally skinny.

Fuck I'm angry today and this just did it. If you want white goop that tastes completely synthetic with horrible texture, I got some stuff to sell you. Spicy or dijon mustard on a turkey sandwich friend, nothing else. And hating on brussels sprouts? Saute some of those up with garlic and olive oil, add some fried bacon and reduce with a rich chicken stock = winning.

You're all heathens.

Adding bacon makes anything taste good, except devilled eggs.

Turkey without mayo is like eating sand. It needs mayo AND dijon or honey mustard.

[Cerebral_DownTime]

Mayo has texture? UR DOIN' IT WRONG.

Tabasco it fucking shit. Watery shit with too much vinegar and not enough pepper.

Frank's RedHot or fuck off.

And you want to talk about texture? Oysters have the texture of rubber in snot.

Worcestershire Sauce is what I like on a steak. Even after it's cooked. A1 is farts.

[Hikohadon]

Mayo sucks.

Ketchup sucks too. If you MUST consume it, it is only appropriate on hot dogs. Everything else - there's a superior hot sauce replacement for that.

One could say the same about yellow mustard - there's a superior brown mustard replacement for that.

Steak should never have anything on it.

Same for a good burger (except perhaps cheese, lettuce, tomato).

CDT is correct - Franks' Red Hot is vastly superior to Tabasco.

Another brand that goes well on almost anything:



If you haven't tried it, thank me later.

[peeker643]

Eat whatever the fuck YOU like on whatever the fuck YOU eat and shut the fuck up.

All of you.

Giving me a GD headache.

I like brussel sprouts. I like any veggie steamed with a bit of seasoning. And since I've been on a program since a week ago I can tell you you CAN eat turkey with nothing on it.

And chicken. And salmon. All of it's good grilled. All of it tastes like fucking lobster when you're starving.

[Hikohadon]

Eat whatever the fuck YOU like on whatever the fuck YOU eat and shut the fuck up.

All of you.

Giving me a GD headache.

I like brussel sprouts. I like any veggie steamed with a bit of seasoning. And since I've been on a program since a week ago I can tell you you CAN eat turkey with nothing on it.

And chicken. And salmon. All of it's good grilled. All of it tastes like fucking lobster when you're starving.

Agree with all of this.

Although, there's not much I WON'T eat (like steak with ketchup on it).

[Cerebral_DownTime]

Eat whatever the fuck YOU like on whatever the fuck YOU eat and shut the fuck up.

All of you.

Giving me a GD headache.

I like brussel sprouts. I like any veggie steamed with a bit of seasoning. And since I've been on a program since a week ago I can tell you you CAN eat turkey with nothing on it.

And chicken. And salmon. All of it's good grilled. All of it tastes like fucking lobster when you're starving.

Banned.

[peeker643]

Eat whatever the fuck YOU like on whatever the fuck YOU eat and shut the fuck up.

All of you.

Giving me a GD headache.

I like brussel sprouts. I like any veggie steamed with a bit of seasoning. And since I've been on a program since a week ago I can tell you you CAN eat turkey with nothing on it.

And chicken. And salmon. All of it's good grilled. All of it tastes like fucking lobster when you're starving.

Banned.

I will kill you. Especially now. Tire iron to the head while your ogre-like self sleeps.

[Cerebral_DownTime]

Eat whatever the fuck YOU like on whatever the fuck YOU eat and shut the fuck up.

All of you.

Giving me a GD headache.

I like brussel sprouts. I like any veggie steamed with a bit of seasoning. And since I've been on a program since a week ago I can tell you you CAN eat turkey with nothing on it.

And chicken. And salmon. All of it's good grilled. All of it tastes like fucking lobster when you're starving.

Banned.

I will kill you. Especially now. Tire iron to the head while your ogre-like self sleeps.

I would smash you like a beer can.

[Hikohadon]

Lars, now that Maria Sharapova got into the French Open Finals, can she finally stop choking finals and win one?

[pup]

Taking advice on what tastes good from a skinny guy is like taking advice on QB play from SD.

You want to know what tastes good? Ask a fat guy. If my fridge is out of mayo and or ketchup, it is a disaster.

[Hikohadon]

Taking advice on what tastes good from a skinny guy is like taking advice on QB play from SD.

You want to know what tastes good? Ask a fat guy. If my fridge is out of mayo and or ketchup, it is a disaster.

A fat guy is the worst person to ask what tastes good, since clearly EVERYTHING tastes good to him.

Even mayo and ketchup.

[pup]

Taking advice on what tastes good from a skinny guy is like taking advice on QB play from SD.

You want to know what tastes good? Ask a fat guy. If my fridge is out of mayo and or ketchup, it is a disaster.

A fat guy is the worst person to ask what tastes good, since clearly EVERYTHING tastes good to him.

Even mayo and ketchup.

Being fat doesn't mean you eat everything. It means you eat a lot of what is good.

Like a big ole ham and cheese samwich loaded up with a nice blend of ketchup and mayo.

[Hikohadon]

Taking advice on what tastes good from a skinny guy is like taking advice on QB play from SD.

You want to know what tastes good? Ask a fat guy. If my fridge is out of mayo and or ketchup, it is a disaster.

A fat guy is the worst person to ask what tastes good, since clearly EVERYTHING tastes good to him.

Even mayo and ketchup.

Being fat doesn't mean you eat everything. It means you eat a lot of what is good.

Like a big ole ham and cheese samwich loaded up with a nice blend of ketchup and mayo.

Speaking as a member of the need-to-lose-weight group, I eat what is good and what is available in even doses.

You just ruined a perfectly good ham and cheese sandwich.

Put some Stadium Mustard or Habanero salsa on that instead.

[pup]

I fell about mustard the way you feel about mayo.

Changed too many diapers that looked like stadium mustard to consider eating it.

[Hikohadon]

I fell about mustard the way you feel about mayo.

Changed too many diapers that looked like stadium mustard to consider eating it.

Then I assume you're not a big fan of saag paneer?

[That_Guy™]

Taking advice on what tastes good from a skinny guy is like taking advice on QB play from SD.

You want to know what tastes good? Ask a fat guy. If my fridge is out of mayo and or ketchup, it is a disaster.

This. And ranch. Gotta have ranch.

[e0y2e3]

Can you fix this hangover Lars....

Company outings should be outlawed, I not only don't want to go to them but when they are on boats and I am stuck with them I have no choice but to get wasted....

Can we outlaw company outings?

Also, I have a job offer that I am about to leverage against my current firm. How agressive should I go?

[Cerebral_DownTime]

Ughh..... Company outings. Had one last year that included golfing. I bailed. I'm not wandering around in the hot sun to hit a ball around.

[JCoz]

Can you fix this hangover Lars....

Company outings should be outlawed, I not only don't want to go to them but when they are on boats and I am stuck with them I have no choice but to get wasted....

Can we outlaw company outings?

Also, I have a job offer that I am about to leverage against my current firm. How agressive should I go?

Wow on a boat? Thats just inviting dissaster for dinner.

[peeker643]

Can you fix this hangover Lars....

Company outings should be outlawed, I not only don't want to go to them but when they are on boats and I am stuck with them I have no choice but to get wasted....

Can we outlaw company outings?

Also, I have a job offer that I am about to leverage against my current firm. How agressive should I go?

Wow on a boat? Thats just inviting dissaster for dinner.

It's inviting someone to shove Lee in the back. That's what it's inviting.

[motherscratcher]

I'm pretty sure this is exactly how it was.

[LarsHancock]

Can you fix this hangover Lars....

Company outings should be outlawed, I not only don't want to go to them but when they are on boats and I am stuck with them I have no choice but to get wasted....

Can we outlaw company outings?

Also, I have a job offer that I am about to leverage against my current firm. How agressive should I go?

Hangover - read the column. Want me to help find you a dominatrix in Boston?

Here's my take on the company outing: there are three purposes to it, as follows:

1) To give the peasants who otherwise have absolutely no life a little bit of fun. Sadly, about 50-80% of any given company looks at the outing as a grand old time and one of the highlights of the year. We're on a boat! Free Bud Light! This is how the other half lives! I'm so fancy!

2) To weed out the troublemakers. Incontrovertible fact from every company outing ever: everyone drinks too much at the outing. Related fact: someone crosses a HR line at some point in the outing. Essentially, what the company outing gives management is an organized blackmail scheme against the whole company. And for those they want to purge, a perfect lawsuit-free excuse to do so.

3) Teambuilding. Which is largely bullshit, but you'll resist strangling someone for a few weeks after they walk your drunk incoherent ass home Missing In Action style, and make sure you don't get into any barfights along the way.Getting a group of people that hate each other drunk will temporarily abate that hate.

Way too valuable to corporate America to outlaw.

As for the job offer thing, consider this: your job is like your girlfriend. The company courting you knows you're in a relationship, and they want you anyway. So they put on a little extra makeup and are a little more aggressive in the boudoir in order to convince you to leave that bitch that is no good for you to be with her. And they know all about your current girl, so it's really not fair. But point being, you can't go up to your girlfriend and say "Sally has bigger tits, makes this purring noise when we screw that drives me crazy, and has offered me a threeway with her roommate. Can you top that, or I'm out?" Same thing with a job. If they do meet your demands on pressure of another job, they WILL be looking for your replacement immediately, and dispatch you when they get him or her. You're a disloyal employee and a risk tot he company - no reason to keep you around.

If you want to stay, tell them your demands absent any other job offer mention. If they meet them, fine, if not, leave.


Ah shit, I should have saved all that for the column. Didn't know I was going to write that much. Yeah, like it should shock me I go off longwindedly. Idiot.

[pod2dawg]

Lars,
How long can the Indians continue to play without a leftfielder?

Thanks!

pod

[pod2dawg]

Lars,
My son ( 12) was called upon to sacrifice bunt in a baseball tourney game last week while his team was up 10-0. Was I wrong to to join the other team in disparaging remarks against his coach?
Thanks!
pod

[LarsHancock]

Lars, now that Maria Sharapova got into the French Open Finals, can she finally stop choking finals and win one?

Why, yes, I did predict the exact final set score, thank you for noticing.

[e0y2e3]

I've slept with three married girls in the last month and I am currently repairing the marriage of the one of them I actually like (only one I didn't "really" sleep with). When you can figure out what the deal with me and Eastern Europe is...............................

Why is marriage a reality? Fucking kids right? Dumbassesssss, I told every married bitch that I am divorcing them as friends once they pop one out........

[Hikohadon]

Lars, now that Maria Sharapova got into the French Open Finals, can she finally stop choking finals and win one?

Why, yes, I did predict the exact final set score, thank you for noticing.

Damned if you didn't.

Care to make any Super Bowl predictions? I could use a sure thing with the Vegas crew.

[justmebd]

Lars,

I just read the PD interview with Mark Shapiro. Now I'm trying to figure out what planet he lives on and what the color of the sky is in his freakish little world where trading two Cy Young Award winners in consecutive years is not considered "Financial," and that's just the tip of the bullshit iceberg in that softball article.

Is the appropriate response Torches and Pitchforks, or just attaching his picture to a heavy bag and repeatedly punching the crap out of it?

[pod2dawg]

Lars,

Am I an abomination for not being obsessed with FB?

Thanks!

I do have a professional FB, do very little personally, use the net for news, research, e-mail, & TCF mostly,

pod

[pod2dawg]

Lars,

Now that I have put my Celtic jersey back in the drawer, should I buy an OKC jersey?

Thanks!

pod

p.s. How many NBA titles do you predict Lebron will win?

[southernflyer]

Lars,

What is your preference in a band; a consistant sound record after record with more minor variations where you can immediately recognize the band from a few chords of a song, or a band that tries new sounds with every record?

Also, why do bands take 3+ years to put out a record then go on a tour that seems to last forever? Should bands that go on "final tours" sign a contract that they will never tour again, or at least not have another "final tour" for 10 years? I swear the Stones had a final tour when I was in high school.

[RickNashEquilibrium]

Lars, now that Maria Sharapova got into the French Open Finals, can she finally stop choking finals and win one?

Why, yes, I did predict the exact final set score, thank you for noticing.

HOLY FUCKING CHRIST IS THAT BARRY HOROWITZ?!!??!

Also, after getting unexpectedly unengaged last year, my ex is now pregnant with a guy she is desperately trying to love but no one really trusts and I'm dating a 22 year-old blonde ex-gymnast who now works in finance. Not sure where I am going with this but yeah, the Horowitz pic along with the start to this summer, life is the winzors.

[Cerebral_DownTime]

Lars, why do Chinese restaurants feel the need to put soggy broccoli in with my General Tso's chicken?

Really they're just cheating me out of 3 pieces of chicken.

Some ole bullshit.