Out of Bounds: New TCF Column

[jb]

Lars,

Sicillian, Neopolitan (NY) or deep dish (chicago)? Why?

Part II - Why is it in Chipotle a) the damn company feels compelled to offer no seating and b) people waiting in line BEHIND YOU feel entitled to split the group up and reserve seats before their food is ready?

[pod2dawg]

Dear Lars,

My uncle has a drinking problem, and is unable to shake off the hangovers as he once did in his youth. Would you happen to have any "hair of the dog" elixirs / recipes of which he may be of benefit?

Thank you.

pod

[LarsHancock]

Dear Lars - Can you explain nascar to me?

Handled that in Episode IX.

http://www.theclevelandfan.com/misc/general/7-general-archive/9134-out-of-bounds-episode-ix-gotta-have-faith

Great questions - you guys make it easy to write a column. I appreciate the help.

[pod2dawg]

Lars,
I am on blood pressure medicine. The generic costs $8 for a month . Name brand $120. Same strength .
My Doctor says there is no difference. I have heard there "is" on the street. Should I buy the name brand which has the really cool commercials on TV or save the money and brown bag it?

Thanks!- pod

[motherscratcher]

Sorry that I've been slacking and haven't given you anything to work with. I'll try to give you a few questions weekly:

1. Having seen Max Perlich make an appearence on Justified this year got me wondering. Why hasn't his career turned out like some other great character actors. Back in the late 80's - early 90's, from Drugstore Cowboy to Beautiful Girls, I would have bet that his career would turn out similar to Vincent Schiavelli or Brion James...maybe even Harry Dean Stanton, although I have my doubts that he could ever achieve that level of cool. So what happened? My theory, unscientific as it may be, is simply that he has an inescapable "schmuck-face" that narrowed the scope of the roles offered to him and he was simply unable to transcend.

2. Huey Lewis and the News?

[Hikohadon]

Please tell me why Titanic (the movie) sucks so much.

[Cerebral_DownTime]

Please tell me why Titanic (the movie) sucks so much.

Because it didn't have giant CGI robots...... obviously.

[Cerebral_DownTime]

Lars, do you ever have one of those days where your balls itch constantly for no apparent reason?

[swerb]

Another epic installment!

http://www.theclevelandfan.com/misc/gen ... a-tu-llama

[Hikohadon]

Please tell me why Titanic (the movie) sucks so much.

Because it didn't have giant CGI robots...... obviously.

Please tell me why Transformers (the movie) sucks so much.

[Cerebral_DownTime]

Please tell me why Titanic (the movie) sucks so much.

Because it didn't have giant CGI robots...... obviously.

Please tell me why Transformers (the movie) sucks so much.

Because the CGI robots were the best actors.

[pod2dawg]

Lars,

What the f#$%ck is the deal with the U.S. having a massive naval base ,Guantanamo Bay , we lease on the Communist island of Coobah? Do we not have an embargo on Cuba? Is that not where Fidel Castro lives? Have we not attempted to assassinate him? Is that not where we bailed at the "Bay of Pigs" catastrophe? Don't Cuban Nationals work for us on base?....How much is the lease payment?

I am confused.

I heard the Cuban Gov't doesn't even cash the checks we send them.

WTF ?

thanks,

pod

[justmebd]

My wife woke me up at 1 a.m. the other night just so she could call me an asshole. It turns out going to a friends' house who has HBO to watch "Game of Thrones" was not acceptable behavior because she had a headache and went to bed early. The hole in her logic is obvious to every male reading this, but I'm sure every female reading this is nodding their head in agreement with my wife.

What is the appropriate response to my batshit crazy wife?

[RickNashEquilibrium]

Lars,

I got a big promotion yesterday and I want to celebrate. Steak and wine, hookers and blow, weekend trip to Chicago or a big house party? What's your choice and if I've left something out, what would YOU do if you had the luxury of burning a ton of cash without really giving a shit?

[pod2dawg]

Lars,
According to my uncle in the good old days , 2002, one could take a "holiday" to a border town with Mexico, spend a couple hundred bucks and get a shuttle across the border to an "entertainment" establishment, which caters to......well....drunks & perverts. Said patron could play out his fantasy with 1,2,3 women while becoming inebriated, and worse if so desired. After a night of such debauchery he would be driven back across the border to the U.S.
So the question is obvious, are you aware of any border towns where such type activities do exist where the murder rate is less than Youngstown's?
I have a vacation coming.
Thanks!
pod

[LarsHancock]

These are important questions gentlemen. Questions the world needs to have answered, and questions to which I, coincidentally, have answers.

Oh, and pod, you mistyped above. I'm sure you meant that your uncle has vacation coming and wants to know the answer, not you, right? Just want to make sure I've got things covered appropriately...

[Cerebral_DownTime]

Lars, when will the Chinese invade?

[peeker643]

Lars, when will the Chinese invade?

Check the bottom of your desk lamp. Or the tags of your shirts. Or any toys your nieces and nephews have. Or your electronics.

[pod2dawg]

Lars, when will the Chinese invade?

Check the bottom of your desk lamp. Or the tags of your shirts. Or any toys your nieces and nephews have. Or your electronics.

Correct Peak. They already are. They won't use military unless they have to. They are very patient, willing to wait centuries if necessary. They prefer copyright infringements, economic subterfuge, espionage, international conspiracy, cyberattacks, intelligence property piracy etc......

But they are good world partners, I mean somebody has to be friends with North Korea, Iran, Cuba, & Venezuela. Not to worry, they are amassing the biggest baddest high tech military force ever with the tech they have stolen or bought to go with their 2 million man army.

We have the edge in high tech for now. When we don't , better learn to use chopsticks.

[Cerebral_DownTime]

Lars, when will the Chinese invade?

Check the bottom of your desk lamp. Or the tags of your shirts. Or any toys your nieces and nephews have. Or your electronics.

Hmmmmm.....

Desk lamp. Made in Korea.

Shirt i'm wearing now. Made in USA.

Toys. Can't go barge into their house and check. Probably Chinese though.

Electronics. Some may be Chinese.

I was joking anyhow. They would never be able to hold any American soil for long.

Just like that famous quote Yamamoto never said "We'd find a rifle behind every blade of grass." Too many guns to overcome.

[Fire Marshall Bill]

Just like that famous quote Yamamoto never said "We'd find a rifle behind every blade of grass." Too many guns to overcome

The stench from the bodies would be overwhelming

I figure the west coast would bend over take it up the ass and serve them cups of rice but, they never make it past the Rockies if we choose

My thoughts tho are its best to annihilate them in the plains states..... for fertilizer

[Fire Marshall Bill]

lars,

Tell jb he's old enuff to start eating at real restaurants and since he's no longer single he can evolve past the FUDU Diet if he'd just put forth the effort

[pod2dawg]

Lars,

Hi, I'm Pod's uncle & have been living under a rock for a decade. Trying to sort a few things out.

We are at war with Islamic extremists a.k.a Taliban, Al Qaeda which hide-out in Afghanistan ; a country we have occupied for 10 years costing American lives, billions of dollars, and stretching our military to the brink.

Our country is suffering from a heroin epidemic with devastating effects on our society. Domestically we are in a war against drugs, costing us American lives, billions of dollars, and stretching our law enforcement, courts, and prison system to the brink.

Afghanistan is the world's #1 supplier of opium. Karzaid's brother is the #1 opium dealer there.

We are in the middle of a recession.

So during this recession we are waging a war in Afghanistan which supplies the dope of which we are waging a war against while borrowing the money from China?

.........= < ? >

[jb]

Lars, when will the Chinese invade?

Check the bottom of your desk lamp. Or the tags of your shirts. Or any toys your nieces and nephews have. Or your electronics.

Hmmmmm.....

Desk lamp. Made in Korea.

Shirt i'm wearing now. Made in USA.

Toys. Can't go barge into their house and check. Probably Chinese though.

Electronics. Some may be Chinese.

I was joking anyhow. They would never be able to hold any American soil for long.

Just like that famous quote Yamamoto never said "We'd find a rifle behind every blade of grass." Too many guns to overcome.

Is your bong made in the USA? Used to have that brand "US Bong" back in the day. Then they changed it to "Us Water Pipe" after WOD's strated to include paraphenalia. So I'm told.

[pod2dawg]

Lars,

I have been in business 20 years. I work harder and make less money now. You would probably recommend I work smarter, not harder. Well, I am "smart" by formal standards.

Every quarter I make out 14 checks to pay taxes and fees to various gov. agencies at city,state, fed levels. My office overhead is > 60% of my income.

My reimbursements for my work are cut every year. I have had to hire more help to handle the paperwork to meet the criteria in order to get paid. I have had to upgrade technologically way too many times just to keep pace with increasing regulatory demands.

My risk does not = reward.

It seems to only get worse and neither political party has helped. I am seriously to the point of considering accepting livestock, precious metals, food, weapons, & electronics for payment of services. Cash has always been an option but not seen much these days.

Will it ever change......for the better?

thanks!

pod

[LarsHancock]

Please tell me why Titanic (the movie) sucks so much.

Because it didn't have giant CGI robots...... obviously.

Please tell me why Transformers (the movie) sucks so much.

So you know the Kevin Bacon game, where someone throws out an actor and you have to get back to Kevin Bacon via actors who co-starred in movies and/or TV shows with said individual? Well, I just learned that I'm four degrees removed from Michael Bay, and I'm not talking about movies or TV shows, I'm talking about... yeah, that. Interestingly, that makes me five degrees away from people such as Pam Anderson, and horrifyingly that makes me five degrees away from Lindsey Lohan.

I am now confused and will proceed to shower because I feel shameful and dirty.

Oh, and I'm apparently three degrees removed from Kevin Bacon in the actual Kevin Bacon game, in case anyone is curious.

Thanks again for the questions.

[CAVSTRIBEBROWNSin07!]

I'm 4 degrees away from LeBron James that way, if by that you mean sexually.

[LarsHancock]

I'm 4 degrees away from LeBron James that way, if by that you mean sexually.

I may just mean that

Does that make you one, three, five, or seven degrees away from Gloria? (and it's no more than seven, as you are well aware)

[That_Guy™]

Unfortunately I'm not aware...

Why is it no more than seven?

And why do some people say "It just may be..." and others say "It may just be.." and is there really a difference?

[justmebd]

Is it possible to make the Kessel Run in less than four parsecs? Follow-up: Why is there so much nerd rage over one movie franchise? I understand the creator has rights and all, but the Star Wars Prequels were one massive kick to the nuts for geeks like me who just wanted a good movie and got Jar Jar Binks instead. I'm still salty.

[jb]

Lars - Memorial Day weekend makes me think: do you have any immutable food / coniment rules? E.G. - ketchup on hot dogs = never if u are > 8 years old?

BTW - is it ketchup or catsup and how did cats get involved anyway?

[pod2dawg]

Lars,
Wouldn't oil prices come down if we got repaid with say 10% of Iraqis oil output until we were repaid for the trillion "wasted"...er I mean spent to remove Suddam.......or Kuwait paid us back.....or say Libya even kick us some back for our "limited" role in their emancipation....you know stuff like that?
Thanks!
pod

[LarsHancock]

Unfortunately I'm not aware...

Why is it no more than seven?

The rumor was that Delonte banged Gloria as revenge for Lebron banging his gf. Or something like that.

In reality, it's shocking that Lebron isn't still a virgin, the way he closes things out so poorly and all. You really have to wonder how many times things got hot and heavy between him and a girl, and he got nervous so he either called Wade in to finish things off for him, or settled for the outside shot.

[Hikohadon]

Unfortunately I'm not aware...

Why is it no more than seven?

The rumor was that Delonte banged Gloria as revenge for Lebron banging his gf. Or something like that.

In reality, it's shocking that Lebron isn't still a virgin, the way he closes things out so poorly and all. You really have to wonder how many times things got hot and heavy between him and a girl, and he got nervous so he either called Wade in to finish things off for him, or settled for the outside shot.

Niiiiiiice.

Top 5 Most Attractive Female Athletes. Should be an overflow of potentials. Saw a bunch of candidates today at Roland Garros.

[gotribe31]

Lars,
Wouldn't oil prices come down if we got repaid with say 10% of Iraqis oil output until we were repaid for the trillion "wasted"...er I mean spent to remove Suddam.......or Kuwait paid us back.....or say Libya even kick us some back for our "limited" role in their emancipation....you know stuff like that?
Thanks!
pod

No. Why would a temporary increase in overseas supply do anything to reduce demand?

[pod2dawg]

I would hope the increase of supply at markedly reduced prices would somehow positively reflect in the lowering of gas prices;

however, I am painfully aware of the deal the Saudis and Eisenhower made in the desert which essentially ensured their riches and our enslavement; limited refinery capabilities, expanding foreign demand, prospective futures trading, ridiculous federal taxes, greed, and corruption.

[FUDU]

Lars I gotta say I've never had such a love hate feeling for an opinion piece ever, until today. I like what you did with the list of cops shows, personally I would put Miami Vice in the top 3 and maybe switch one or two of the older shows for something in the last 20-25 years, but in general nice list.

As far as the condiment laws, I puke at your thoughts. The ketchup thing you're spot on with, no on a dog, but that is easy. As far as mayo or tartar sauce, you're a nut bag. Mayo goes great on sandwiches, just has to be the right sandwich. EG: if you put mayo on a corned beef sandwich you should be put in jail (some think you should be jailed just for eating corned beef). The bottom line here is Miracle Whip is the way to go, almost always v. mayo. Tartar sauce is great, just have to moderate it and again exactly what you serve it with (seafood wise) is critical. You're just not using the right tartar sauce. If you serve it with salmon...LMAO.

Overall: B-

[Cerebral_DownTime]

Hot dogs are gross anyway.

F-.

[Larvell Blanks]

Lars I gotta say I've never had such a love hate feeling for an opinion piece ever, until today. I like what you did with the list of cops shows, personally I would put Miami Vice in the top 3 and maybe switch one or two of the older shows for something in the last 20-25 years, but in general nice list.

As far as the condiment laws, I puke at your thoughts. The ketchup thing you're spot on with, no on a dog, but that is easy. As far as mayo or tartar sauce, you're a nut bag. Mayo goes great on sandwiches, just has to be the right sandwich. EG: if you put mayo on a corned beef sandwich you should be put in jail (some think you should be jailed just for eating corned beef). The bottom line here is Miracle Whip is the way to go, almost always v. mayo. Tartar sauce is great, just have to moderate it and again exactly what you serve it with (seafood wise) is critical. You're just not using the right tartar sauce. If you serve it with salmon...LMAO.

Overall: B-

Mayo out of a jar is pure laziness. If you need a egg based sauce
make your own aioli, that way you can flavor it in to enhance whatever you're putting it on.

Tatrtar sauce is for 8 yr olds to dip deep fried fishsticks in. In no way should it ever touch a piece of fish that doesn't come out of the freezer and have batter on it.

[LarsHancock]

Lars I gotta say I've never had such a love hate feeling for an opinion piece ever, until today. I like what you did with the list of cops shows, personally I would put Miami Vice in the top 3 and maybe switch one or two of the older shows for something in the last 20-25 years, but in general nice list.

As far as the condiment laws, I puke at your thoughts. The ketchup thing you're spot on with, no on a dog, but that is easy. As far as mayo or tartar sauce, you're a nut bag. Mayo goes great on sandwiches, just has to be the right sandwich. EG: if you put mayo on a corned beef sandwich you should be put in jail (some think you should be jailed just for eating corned beef). The bottom line here is Miracle Whip is the way to go, almost always v. mayo. Tartar sauce is great, just have to moderate it and again exactly what you serve it with (seafood wise) is critical. You're just not using the right tartar sauce. If you serve it with salmon...LMAO.

Overall: B-

Mayo out of a jar is pure laziness. If you need a egg based sauce
make your own aioli, that way you can flavor it in to enhance whatever you're putting it on.

Tatrtar sauce is for 8 yr olds to dip deep fried fishsticks in. In no way should it ever touch a piece of fish that doesn't come out of the freezer and have batter on it.

this man, he is wise, and understands the ways of the world. Perfect response.

The first two ingredients in store bought mayo are soybean oil and water. The nutrition information lists nothing other than fat, meaning that the egg in it is merely trace amounts. So you're putting whipped wet soybean oil on a sandwich? Miracle Whip was concocted specifically because some genius wanted to make cheaper mayo. It is essentially soybean oil and water, and high fructose corn syrup. Mmm mmm mmm, sign me up for some of that!

Disgusting.

Oh, and Miami Vice goes down a few notches because it became a Don Johnson ego vehicle at some point. He recorded an album, the ultimate masturbatory ego boost for an actor (see Murphy, Eddie) and they played that crap on the radio. I had to listen to that crap on the radio in 87 - no way Vice gets top three billing because of that.

[That_Guy™]

Wow. In close to 40 years of life, I've never been told that it's wrong to put ketchup on a hot dog. I've tried different mustards, but nothing is as good as ketchup on a dog. Next you'll tell me that I shouldn't put ketchup on my brats either. What is this world coming to...

[Larvell Blanks]

Forget the ketchup. Use this. It looks like ketchup but tastes 100x better

[dmiles]

How the hell am I supposed to choke down fish without some tartar sauce? Really I almost never eat the stuff but once in a while I go by a long john silvers and eat their crud. Very rarely. I think my wife wants to start eating some wild-caught salmon once a week as the cancer thing has her thinking of eating Paleo. I am fine eating Paleo, but the fish thing is killing me.

OK so we are supposed to tend towards all-natural sauces or make your own what can I do with salmon to make it have some taste? I like the Rooster, sounds like a home made spicy mayo with some rooster might be the way to go.

[FUDU]

Mayo couldn't wear Miracle Whip's jockstrap, that's the difference between the two.

Now does tartar sauce ruin fish, sure sometimes, personally I only use it in moderation on battered fried fish, otherwise no way.

Lars, while I agree with you on the cheesiness of Don Johnson that show, IIRC, was the first to significantly incorporate pop music so eloquently into their story line, almost as if they had a soundtrack for each episode/season.

[Cerebral_DownTime]

Forget the ketchup. Use this. It looks like ketchup but tastes 100x better

Love that stuff, have yet to find anything it doesn't go good on.

[motherscratcher]

Wow. In close to 40 years of life, I've never been told that it's wrong to put ketchup on a hot dog. I've tried different mustards, but nothing is as good as ketchup on a dog. Next you'll tell me that I shouldn't put ketchup on my brats either. What is this world coming to...

Holy shit. You put ketchup on dogs AND brats? And nobody ever told you? Someone fucked up along the way here.

I'll bet you are one of those guys who takes his glove to the ballgame.

[Fire Marshall Bill]

Anything goes on dogs....esp bacon

Brats are tasteless crap....Italian hot sausage with peppers & onions is the only way to go

Salmon is disgusting...I had to eat it when I was a kid because it was cheap

Now its fashionable like sushi and it cost 15 $ a lb.........suckers

...and a touch of tartar on fried oysters is to die for

...and PartII, FUDU is the last person on earth to get food tips from...even if he somehow gets it right, he's still wrong

[FUDU]

The last time I took a glove to a baseball game,hmmm....I don't think I was older than 29.

BTW cocktail sauce goes good with everything as well.

[peeker643]

How the hell am I supposed to choke down fish without some tartar sauce? Really I almost never eat the stuff but once in a while I go by a long john silvers and eat their crud. Very rarely. I think my wife wants to start eating some wild-caught salmon once a week as the cancer thing has her thinking of eating Paleo. I am fine eating Paleo, but the fish thing is killing me.

OK so we are supposed to tend towards all-natural sauces or make your own what can I do with salmon to make it have some taste? I like the Rooster, sounds like a home made spicy mayo with some rooster might be the way to go.

Not on salmon or tuna. The cheap crap, cool. Even a bit with good stuff like a perch-fry or whatever. But you can simply grill a piece of salmon with lemon, and a little season/garlic salt and parsley and it's better than putting tartar sauce on it.

I don't eat tilapia and pangasisus because it's the hot dog of fish and I won't eat orange roughy because of the mercury levels in mature, edible roughy. Other than that? Love grilled/broiled fish of almost any kind. Better yet when it's the walleye and perch I catch.

[FUDU]

LOL, exactly my thoughts on tilapia.