by skatingtripods » Thu May 03, 2012 6:22 pm
I've suffered from what I believe to be depression since about the time I was 16 or so. I'm 25 now. I say "what I believe to be depression" because I've never actually seen anyone for it, although when my parents separated when I was 9, my mom sent me to a psychologist and I remember never wanting to talk about anything with him. In retrospect, it was a waste of money for her.
In any event, depression is such a multi-faceted condition. The slightest of triggers will set mine off, something as minor as losing a bet or getting into an argument with my parents, which, yes, still can happen at 25. Sometimes it lasts for a couple days and sometimes it lasts for a couple hours. There are times where it will keep me up at night and I'll just lay in bed listening to melancholy songs on my iPod.
When I get my worst, I'll question my self-worth. I always tend to be rational and logical when having a bout with my depression and have never attempted nor seriously considered committing suicide. The thought has crossed my mind, albeit very quickly and then it's gone. I've got too much to live for. But, certainly, I get to feeling like shit about myself, my accomplishments, and disagree with people on what they think I do well.
It's nearly impossible for my fiancee to get me out of those moods sometimes. It's frustrating for her and me because it consumes me and I simply can't get rid of it. It hangs there until it passes.
And I've never been concussed, really haven't endured too many horrible experiences (mainly the death of my sister from brain cancer when I was 17 and the splitting up of my parents as a kid and then having to listen to them badmouth each other every day, and that still continues even now). Quite frankly, I have very few reasons to suffer any periods of depression. Yet I do. Apparently, it's just the way that my brain is wired.
So, in regards to Junior Seau, if his wiring is irreparably fucked up from brain damage, no matter what kind of person he was in the past, this can, obviously, be the end result. People who don't understand what it's like to experience depression can sit there and chastise suicide as the coward's way out or whatever.
I've never gone to see anybody because I feel like I can control it if I have to. Sometimes it just takes me over and I don't care enough to fight it because I know it'll take something catastrophic to make me do something regrettable or worse. Seau probably felt the same way. Money, possessions, family...none of it really means anything to someone with depression when they're going through a bout of it. All they're focused on is their own lack of self-worth and inability to get out of the mood they're in.
Again, I'm just speaking from my own experiences with it. I imagine what I feel is magnified hundreds of times over with the parts of the brain that concussions and head trauma can affect.
Seau is just another of a statistic, thrust into the limelight because of what has been going on with ex-NFL players. Maybe he did seek help, maybe he didn't. Maybe this was the end result all along, no matter what precautions he or his family took to prevent it.
It's sad. Depression's a serious thing.
A God Damn dead man would understand that if a minor league bus in any city took a real sharp right turn, a Zack McCalister would likely fall out. - Lead Pipe
