Out of Bounds: New TCF Column

[motherscratcher]

I'm here I'm here. Sorry Pup, I missed your tech problem. Go ahead and take a few polaroids of the screen that is giving you the problem and drop it in the mail. If you think they are good enough quality stop by Kinkos and see if they have something called a fax machine.

Lars - I think your "do some shots and kick the shit out of each other in the muni lot" plan is the tops. In The Quiet Man, John Wayne and some dude beat the holy hell out of each other from one side of Ireland to the other, but not without stopping in at a pub for some suds. I'm not sure how it ended but I'm sure they emerged best of friends.

[Cerebral_DownTime]

John Wayne was a fag. One of the biggest pieces of shit to ever be glorified.

[motherscratcher]

What did John Wayne ever do to you?

[Cerebral_DownTime]

What did John Wayne ever do to you?

You mean besides forcing me listen to insufferable asswipes talk about how great he was? His movies were shit too.

[motherscratcher]

What did John Wayne ever do to you?

You mean besides forcing me listen to insufferable asswipes talk about how great he was? His movies were shit too.

Bullshit, I'll bet it's been years since anyone has even brought up John Wayne to you, much less corner you and make you listen to how great he is for any stretch of time.

[Cerebral_DownTime]

What did John Wayne ever do to you?

You mean besides forcing me listen to insufferable asswipes talk about how great he was? His movies were shit too.

Bullshit, I'll bet it's been years since anyone has even brought up John Wayne to you, much less corner you and make you listen to how great he is for any stretch of time.

And you've never met my father in law, you dick gobbler.

[motherscratcher]

Fuck

Father in law

Didn't think of that

[Cerebral_DownTime]

He has a brass Zippo that has "Fuck Communism" engraved on it, just like the DuKKKe.

[Larvell Blanks]

I hear about f-ing John Wayne and Elvis everytime I listen to Chuck D and Flava spittin' Fight the Power.

Don't worry CDT, PE is down with you 'cause they say motha fuck him and John Wayne.

Mother is probably having a fried PB and banana sammich in honor of the king dying on his throne this morning.

[peeker643]

Excellent first column.

http://bit.ly/wm8I5S

[LarsHancock]

I've got a lot to say on the John Wayne thing, and not a lot of time today.

I'll address it in the column next week.

Email me other questions, or post them here, and I'll rant on them in depth Friday

[Cerebral_DownTime]

Yeah i'm not much into the rap music.

[FUDU]

Lars, are you going to be our Ann Landers? B/C I gotta tell ya I always wanted to cut her head off and stick it in a camera bag.

<------- is German.

[Orenthal]

He has a brass Zippo that has "Fuck Communism" engraved on it, just like the DuKKKe.

That is awesome. So much cooler then u.

[Orenthal]

Lars do you know why e0 is so angry?

He doesn't seem like a bad guy to me. Maybe you just haven't found common ground, and maybe you haven't worked hard enough to improve your relationship. I mean, yeah, he could be a jerk, or lonely, or repressed, or have mental issues, but it is also possible he's smarter than you all and gets tired by your banal and naive takes.

My suggestion is that you try to find something on which you agree, and build off that. Or go get ridiculously hammered together. And if that fails, meet each other in the Muni lot, do some shots, and then beat the living shit out of each other. Sometimes a good bloodbath is the only way to heal wounds.

Not much to do with being a bad guy, just the anger. Dealing with stupid people is relative and something just about everyone has to deal with. It seems that stupid people are omnipresent, their depth of their numbers unfathomable. At some point you'd think one would be accustomed to occasionally being more knowledgeable about this or that subject. Perhaps it’s when you believe yourself to be so far beyond the ordinary that you guard the perception so jealously.

My suggestion is modern pharma.

[Love child of shawn kemp]

I still have an AOL email account so I think you are really hip. And, I went to high school with the daughter of that dude in your avatar...seriously.

That is pretty awesome. I love coincidences like that. Question - was she as pug pfugly as dad? Better question, which may be related to the above: you hit that?

Sadly I did not. She was cuter than her pops for sure but was a little out there, pink hair and retro goodwill clothes.

[jb]

What did John Wayne ever do to you?

He came to the door dressed in drag, Pletchner.

[Ziner]

If I was Australian I would have a pet dingo......

Why dont you get one? I know a guy out here that has 3 of them. They are awesome.

[Love child of shawn kemp]

Good dogs unless you have kids, they'll eat your baby.

[Cerebral_DownTime]

If I was Australian I would have a pet dingo......

Why dont you get one? I know a guy out here that has 3 of them. They are awesome.

They're not real dingos. It has to be in Australia to be an actual dingo. But emus are different.

[LarsHancock]

Lars, are you going to be our Ann Landers? B/C I gotta tell ya I always wanted to cut her head off and stick it in a camera bag.

<------- is German.

Ann Landers is an insufferable bore who just spews the same load of banal tripe into her column every week and then cashes her paycheck like a thief. The first one was that way, and her daughter is that way as well. The writing and counseling genes in that family are non-existent. Seriously, you write an advice column, and the best you can do is "go to a counselor" 90% of the time? Lazy bitch. If the person really wanted to see a counselor, they wouldn't be writing anonymously to some hag in the newspaper. Take a shot at giving an answer. Worst that can happen is you encourage a little eugenics and some of the weaker members of society get removed from the gene pool.

Oh, psst - if her column gets to you that badly, you don't have to read it. Who reads the paper anyway? The sports section is the perfect length for your average dump, and if you need to get all the way into Ann Landers while you're pressing out yesterday's meatloaf and corn, you've got some serious medical issues. I would murdering someone and mutilating their corpse, and retaining the evidence of such as a trophy to your dementia, would be a bit extreme of a treatment, when you could simply skip those 12 inches of storyline.

If you really hate her that much, though, she was cremated after her death in 2002 and her ashes were scattered in Lake Michigan. So take a trip to Chicago, go for a swim, and pee, and you'll be whizzing on her corpse in a way.

So am I TCF's version of her? Kind of. I'll offer advice if asked, or just my uninformed opinions on any topic. Got a question, any question, just ask and I'll try to address it.

[LarsHancock]

Note you can also DM me questions. And I appreciate trolling - that makes it fun to reply.

I'll keep your name, etc. anonymous on any question if you like - just indicate how you would like to be "credited" for the question (First name, first, last initial, anonymous, screen name, full name, etc.)

[Cerebral_DownTime]

Go fuck yourself.

[peeker643]

Go fuck yourself.

Ahh.... Lars has officially been accepted.

So sweet. The first GFY from CDT is a rite of passage. I think I'm the leader in the clubhouse with about 1,475 of them. And he likes me.

[Cerebral_DownTime]

That picture he ran with his first article was very creepy. Not sure what it's from. He's one to keep an eye on, not sure if you can trust a guy with a porn star screen name.

[LarsHancock]

That picture he ran with his first article was very creepy. Not sure what it's from. He's one to keep an eye on, not sure if you can trust a guy with a porn star screen name.

I'll give you it was a little weird. Some idiot's idea of "art", part of a series called "Understanding Joshua" which is supposed to represent male self-loathing, or some bullshit like that. And what action is more self-loathing and impossible to understand than being a fan of Cleveland sports? I used it for shock value, to add a "what the hell is this" to a column, about which I wanted people to ask the same question, and because I think it is hilarious. And because I don't care if I offend.

So thank you for my "GFY". It seems like it worked.

As for the "porn star" moniker, I live by the motto "WWRJD?".

[pod2dawg]

Lars,
Conspiracy question that has tormented me for years.......Were Carmon Policy & Dwight Clark in some type of evil subversive conspiracy designed to cripple the "newly returned" Browns by amassing a roster void of talent and providing no foundation for this franchise's future thus setting us back for a decade?........just askin.

[peeker643]

Week 2's Out of Bounds:

http://bit.ly/wHnrbq

[RickNashEquilibrium]

Welcome. I will read your column.

I hope it's better than going to an Albanian wedding.

That's the same as going to an Albanian funeral, yes?

[SoulDawg74]

Week 2's Out of Bounds:

http://bit.ly/wHnrbq

Seriously , that was writing worth reading when its writ.


SoulDawg

[peeker643]

Week 2's Out of Bounds:

http://bit.ly/wHnrbq

Seriously , that was writing worth reading when its writ.


SoulDawg

Yes sir. Good stuff. Gotta be a bit touched and goofy to be good.

[e0y2e3]

Lars is a bitch and yall can tell him I said that.

[peeker643]

Lars is a bitch and yall can tell him I said that.

You start drinking already this weekend or is this period of melancholy the result of not drinking (i.e- this and the 'Hey JB' thread?)?

[e0y2e3]

re the Hey JB thread, I recommend going and looking up JB's trolling of me when Sully announced he lost 20 pounds this past off-season. What goes around comes around.

And Lars is a bitch... ;-)

[e0y2e3]

Watch this: http://www.disinfo.com/2012/01/bacon-sh ... isk-by-19/

^ blow me Lars

[pup]

Thems some good chops for a female dog.

Lars,

Does the lack of opposable thumbs make it difficult to type your column, or do you just use a pad to hit the space bar?

[LarsHancock]

Watch this: http://www.disinfo.com/2012/01/bacon-sh ... isk-by-19/

^ blow me Lars

Eat uncured bacon and that danger goes away. With today's farming and processing standards for pork, ancient diseases such as trichinosis have all but been eradicated from the food supply. The nitrites are completely extraneous, and actually diminish from the taste.

And cook your pork medium rare. Seriously, it's okay.

Regardless, is life without bacon really worth living? Next thing you'll tell me is that beer is bad for you. Something's got to kill you, may as well be something I enjoy.

[e0y2e3]

If there is one thing that will always get Lars to show up it's bacon.

[peeker643]

If there is one thing that will always get Lars to show up it's bacon.

Ha! Joke's on you because no one here in this country uses 'rashers'. Therefore the risk doesn't exist.

[JCoz]

Watch this: http://www.disinfo.com/2012/01/bacon-sh ... isk-by-19/

^ blow me Lars

Eat uncured bacon and that danger goes away. With today's farming and processing standards for pork, ancient diseases such as trichinosis have all but been eradicated from the food supply. The nitrites are completely extraneous, and actually diminish from the taste.

And cook your pork medium rare. Seriously, it's okay.

Regardless, is life without bacon really worth living? Next thing you'll tell me is that beer is bad for you. Something's got to kill you, may as well be something I enjoy.

I would think that if its smoked you'd still need the nitrates to guard against botulism though.

[peeker643]

http://bit.ly/zJwf7E

[jb]

Dear Lars. Why do we only get to email questions?

McChromedome and Angry Eyesore tell me email is dead and only twitter exists as a channel. So can we tweet them?

And did Napster ever pay up?

[peeker643]

Dear Lars,

Why is JB such a dick?

Has he always been a dick or did he evolve from a mild-mannered, contributing board citizen into a dick over time?

My theory is his catholic high school education set him on a path where he could end up as nothing other than a dick. Was hoping you might have a theory.

Thanks.

[e0y2e3]

Dear Lars,

Why won't JB let me troll him in his Lube thread?

Thanks,

Angry Eyesore

[jb]

Dear Lars,

While you are answering these insightful queries, could you give us your prediction on where Indiana high school phenom LBer prospect david "Boom" Perkins is likely to land?

[peeker643]

Also wondering whether you have a trusted potato pancake and pierogi recipe you'd share as these winter months lend themselves to a warm, starch-based diet.

And I like potato pancakes and pierogis.

[Cerebral_DownTime]

Dear Lars,

I don't like certain breeds of the Caucasian race.

John Wayne is still a scumbag piece of shit.

Snow is teh suck.

[Gradysmanldy]

I wish I was your best friend in college

Where's the napkin emoticon, ya got a little something on your chin.

Emus are for jerks and lesbians.

I had an Emu Burger at the Big E in springfield the year I got to Connecticut. It was fuckin' dericious.

I told everyone about it, and then the STUPID FDA said they couldn't have them anymore. Feh.

[Cerebral_DownTime]

The FDA are commie big government stooges. They won't let me sell my medicine I made in my shed.

[Gradysmanldy]

Dear Lars,

Without mentioning pork products or Cedar Point, what do I put on a wedding website that will convince my out of town friends that coming to Cleveland for my wedding is a sweet idea, since ive been telling them the place ROCKS for better than 10 years?

Also....Great columns, i've enjoyed the reads.