Good Joke Thread

[Ziner]

One day while on patrol, a police officer pulled over a car for speeding. He went up to the car and asked the driver to roll down her window. The first thing he noticed, besides the nice red sports car, was how hot the driver was! Blue eyes, blonde, the works.

"I've pulled you over for speeding, Ma'am. Could I see your drivers license?"

"What's a license???" replied the blonde, instantly giving away the fact that she was as dumb as a stump.

"It's usually in your wallet," replied the officer. After fumbling for a few minutes, the driver managed to find it. "Now may I see your registration?" asked the cop.

"Registration..... what's that....?" asked the blonde.

"It's usually in your glove compartment." said the cop impatiently. After some more fumbling, she found the registration.

"I'll be back in a minute." said the cop and walked back to his car. The officer phoned into the dispatch to run a check on the woman's license and registration. After a few moments, the dispatcher came back, "Ummm... is this woman driving a red sports car?"

"Yes." replied the officer

"Is she a drop dead gorgeous blonde?" asked the dispatcher

"Uh... yes." replied the cop.

"Here's what you do." said the dispatcher. "Give her the stuff back, and drop your pants."

"What!!? I can't do that. Its... inappropriate." exclaimed the cop.

"Trust me. Just do it." said the dispatcher.

So the cop goes back to the car, gives back the license and registration and drops his pants, just as the dispatcher said.

The blonde looks down and sighs..... "Ohh no... not another breathalyzer......"

[Ziner]

This isnt really a joke, and I know I am not supposed to find it funny, but everytime I see it I cant help but laugh...

[swerb]

What do Tiger Woods and baby seals have in common?

Both have been clubbed by a Norwegian

[Adverb Harry]

What's the difference between a golf ball and a Cadillac Escalade?

Answer: Tiger Woods can drive a golf ball 400 yards.

[Larvell Blanks]

After a wayward drive, Tiger Woods found water before nestling behind a tree

What were Tiger Woods and his wife doing out at 2.30 in the morning?
They went clubbing.

[motherscratcher]

What do gold, silver, and hairy balls all have in common?



They've all been on Greg Louganis's chest.

[swerb]

The police asked Tiger's wife how many times she hit him. "I don't know exactly ... put me down for a 5."

[bks92II]

This isnt really a joke, and I know I am not supposed to find it funny, but everytime I see it I cant help but laugh...

Very Nice

[danwismar]

So Tiger drove his Escalade into a tree....isn't that just like a golfer....hit a tree, and blame the caddy.

[OldDawg]

Old one....

Why does the wind always come from the west here in northeast ohio??









Because Pittsburgh sucks and Michigan blows.

[OldDawg]

Another old one that makes me laugh every time...

How To Shower Like a Woman
1. Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks
2. Walk to bathroom wearing long bathrobe. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
3. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror make mental note to domore sit-ups.
4. Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah,and pumice stone.
5. Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.
6. Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.
7. Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced with natural avocado oil. Leave on hair for 15 minutes.
8. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.
9. Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.
10. Rinse conditioner off hair.
11. Shave armpits and legs
12. Turn off shower
13. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mold spots with Tilex.
14. Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small country. Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.
15. Check entire body for zits, tweeze hairs.
16. Return to bedroom wearing long bathrobe and towel on head.

How To Shower Like a Man
1. Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in >a pile.
2. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the "woo-woo" sound.
3. Look at your manly physique in the mirror. Admire the size of your wiener and scratch your ass.
4. Get in the shower.
5. Wash your face
6. Wash your armpits
7. Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.
8. Make fart noises (real or artificial) and laugh at how loud they sound in the shower.
9. Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.
10. Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap.
11. Shampoo your hair.
12. Make a Shampoo Mohawk.
13. Pee.
14. Rinse off and get out of shower.
15. Partially dry off. Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of tub the whole time.
16. Admire wiener size in mirror again.
17. Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.
18. Return to bedroom with towel around your waist. If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at her and make the 'woo-woo' sound again.
19. Throw wet towel on bed.

[OldDawg]

Application for Permission to Date my Daughter

NOTE: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a complete financial statement, job history, lineage, and current medical report from your doctor.

GENERAL INFORMATION:NAME_____________________________________ DATE OF BIRTH_____________
HEIGHT___________WEIGHT____________IQ__________GPA_____________
SOCIAL SECURITY #_________________DRIVERS LICENSE #________________
BOY SCOUT RANK AND BADGES__________________________________________
HOME ADDRESS_______________________CITY/STATE___________ ZIP______

Do you have parents? ___Yes ___No
Is one male and the other female? ___Yes ___No
If “No”, explain: _____________________________________________________________
Number of years they have been married ______________________________
If less than your age, explain ____________________________________

ACCESSORIES SECTION:
A. Do you own or have access to a van? __Yes __No
B. A truck with oversized tires? __Yes __No
C. A waterbed? __Yes __No
D. A pickup with a mattress in the back? __Yes __No
E. A tattoo? __Yes __No
F. Do you have an earring, nose ring, pierced tongue, pierced cheek or a belly button ring? __Yes __No
(IF YOU ANSWERED ‘YES’ TO ANY OF THE ABOVE, DISCONTINUE APPLICATION AND LEAVE PREMISES IMMEDIATELY. I SUGGEST RUNNING.)

ESSAY SECTION:
In 50 words or less, what does ‘LATE’ mean to you?
In 50 words or less, what does ‘DON’T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER’ mean to you?
In 50 words or less, what does ‘ABSTINENCE’ mean to you?

REFERENCES SECTION:
Church you attend ___________________________________________________
How often you attend ________________________________________________
When would be the best time to interview your:
Father? _____________Mother? _____________Pastor? _____________

SHORT-ANSWER SECTION:
Answer by filling in the blank. Please answer freely, all answers are confidential.
A. If I were shot, the last place I would want shot would be:
B. If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my:
C. A woman’s place is in the:
D. The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is:
E. What do you want to do IF you grow up?
F. When I meet a girl, the thing I always notice about her first is:
G. What is the current going rate of a hotel room? __________________

I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT, NATIVE AMERICAN ANT TORTURE, CRUCIFIXION, ELECTROCUTION, CHINESE WATER TORTURE, RED HOT POKERS, AND HILLARY CLINTON KISS TORTURE.

_________________________________________________________

Applicant’s Signature (that means sign your name, moron!)

_______________________________ ________________________________

Mother’s Signature Father’s Signature

_______________________________ ________________________________

Pastor/Priest/Rabbi State Representative/Congressman

In the boxes below, please provide Finger Prints, inked in your own blood for Homeland Security Identity Checking and DNA sampling:
______________________________________
_______|_______|_______|_______|_______|
_______|_______|_______|_______|_______|
_______|_______|_______|_______|_______|
______________________________________


Thank you for your interest, and it had better be genuine and non-sexual.

Please allow four to six years for processing.

You will be contacted in writing if you are approved. Please do not try to call or write (since you probably can’t, and it would cause you injury). If your application is rejected, you will be notified by two gentleman wearing white ties carrying violin cases. (you might watch your back)

[swerb]

I love this one ... parody of the court scene in "A Few Good Men" between sales and finance:

Sales: “You want answers?”A few good men

Finance: “I think we are entitled to them!”

Sales: “You want answers?!”

Finance: “I want the truth!”

Sales: “You can’t handle the truth!!!”

Sales (continuing): “Son, we live in a world that requires revenue. And that revenue must be brought in by people with elite skills. Who’s going to find it? You? You, Mr. Operations? We have a greater responsibility than you can possibly fathom.

You scoff at sales division and you curse our lucrative incentives. You have that luxury. You have the luxury of not knowing what we know: that while the cost of business results are excessive, it drives in revenue.

And my very existence, while grotesque and incomprehensible to you, drives REVENUE! You don’t want to know the truth because deep down in places you don’t talk about at staff meetings … you want me on that call. You NEED me on that call!

We use words like comps, migration, discounts, flex licensing, global purchase agreements, butt-fusion. We use these words as the backbone of a life spent negotiating something. You use them as a punch line!

I have neither the time nor inclination to explain myself to people who rise and sleep under the very blanket of revenue I provide and then question the manner in which I provide it. I would rather you just said “thank you” and went on your way. Otherwise I suggest you pick up a phone and make some sales calls. Either way, I don’t give a damn what you think you’re entitled to!”

Finance: “Did you expense the lap dances?”

Sales: “I did the job I was hired to do.”

Finance: “Did you expense the lap dances?”

Sales: “You’re goddamn right I did!”

[RickNashEquilibrium]

Far stall in the men's bathroom at 1899 in Downtown Willoughby, eye level: "Stop reading this, the joke is in your hands."

[OldDawg]

Redz stopped by the local mechanics shop to have his motorcycle fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.

On the way home he stopped at a pharmacy and bought a puke bucket and a gallon of anti-psychotic-pillz. He then stopped by the next store and picked up a couple of Rap CDs and a mad-dog (must be heading to MVicks). However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home.

While he was scratching his head he was approached by Gloria who told him she was lost. She asked, 'Can you tell me how to get to South Beach?'
Redz said, 'Well, as a matter of fact, my crib is very close to that beach I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot.'

Gloria suggested, 'Why don't you put the can of pillz in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a CD under each arm and carry the dog in your other hand?'

'Why thank you very much,' Redz said and proceeded to walk Gloria home.

On the way he says 'Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time.'

Gloria looked him over cautiously then said, 'I am a lonely single-mom without a husband to defend me.. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?'

Redz said, 'Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of pillz, two CDs, and a dog. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that!?!'

Gloria replied, 'Set the dog down, cover him with the bucket, put the pillz on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the CDs."

[hebner20]

Far stall in the men's bathroom at 1899 in Downtown Willoughby, eye level: "Stop reading this, the joke is in your hands."

Saw that very joke scrawled somehwere years ago as well. Very first scribbled joke i saw in the bathroom stall was in the 3rd grade. it was not dirty and very appropriate. it said; "be a man not a kid, hit the hole not the lid."

[OldDawg]

Far stall in the men's bathroom at 1899 in Downtown Willoughby, eye level: "Stop reading this, the joke is in your hands."

Saw that very joke scrawled somehwere years ago as well. Very first scribbled joke i saw in the bathroom stall was in the 3rd grade. it was not dirty and very appropriate. it said; "be a man not a kid, hit the hole not the lid."

From a friend of mine:

Be like brother
Not like sis,
Lift the lid
Before you piss.

[The Tribe Zone]

I like the one that's written in fairly small writing at the very bottom of the stall....

"If you can read this, then your crapping at a bad angle..."

[OldDawg]

I like the one that's written in fairly small writing at the very bottom of the stall....

"If you can read this, then your crapping at a bad angle..."

Now THAT'S a five dollar foot long.

[FUDU]

A man was washed up on a beach after a shipwreck. Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed up with him. After looking around, he realized that they were stranded on a deserted island.

After being there awhile, he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sunset. One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance.

As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the lonely man. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it.

But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until the man took his arm from around the sheep. After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.

A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was Nancy Pelosi. That evening, the man brought Nancy to the evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening - red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze - perfect for a night of romance. Pretty soon, the man started to get those “feelings” again. He fought the urges as long as he could but he finally gave in and leaned over to Nancy and told her he hadn't had sex for months.

Nancy batted her eyelashes and asked if there was anything she could do for him.

He said, “Take the dog for a walk.”

[jb]

^^^^^^

A guy walks into a Chipotle....