Good Joke Thread

[swerb]

A lady was shopping at the local supermarket, and selected the following items ...

A half-gallon of 2% milk,
A carton of eggs,
A quart of orange juice,
A head of romaine lettuce,
A 2 lb. can of coffee,
And a 1 lb. package of bacon.

As she was unloading my items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single."

The lady was a bit startled by this proclamation, but was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at the six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of her, and she said: "Well, you know what, you're absolutely right. But how on earth did you know that?"

The drunk replied, "'Cause you're ugly."

[swerb]

"Hello?"

"Hi honey. This is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?"

"No Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul."

After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul."

"Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now."

*********Brief Pause******

"Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on
the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway."

"Okay Daddy, just a minute."

A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone. "I did it Daddy."

"And what happened honey?" he asked.

"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and
ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn't moving at all!"

"Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?"

"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He was all scared
and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead."

***Long Pause***

***Longer Pause***

***Even Longer Pause***

Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool? ............. Is this 486-5731?"

[swerb]

Ths Shortest Fairy Tale Ever

Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl, "Will you marry me?" The girl said, "No". And the guy lived happily ever after and went fishing, hunting and played golf a lot and drank beer and farted whenever he wanted.

The End.

[swerb]

I love this one ...

HER DIARY

Tonight I thought he was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment. Conversation wasn't flowing so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed but he kept quiet and absent. I asked him what was wrong; he said nothing. I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said it had nothing to do with me and not to worry.

On the way home I told him that I loved him, he simply smiled & kept driving. I can't explain his behavior. I don't know why he didn't say I love you too. When we got home I felt as if I had lost him, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there and watched TV. He seemed distant and absent. Finally, I decided to go to bed. About 10 minutes later he came to bed, and to my surprise he responded to my caress and we made love, but I still felt that he was distracted & his thoughts were somewhere else.

He fell asleep - I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.

HIS DIARY

I shot the worst round of golf in my life today, but at least I got laid.

[redneckofsc]

Facts about the SEC teams.

1) What does the average Alabama Player get on his SATs?.........Drool.

2) What do you get when you put 32 Arkansas Cheerleaders in one room?........A full set of teeth.

3) How do you get a South Carolina Cheerleader into your dorm room?.......Grease her hips and push.

4) How do you get a Georgia Graduate off your porch?.......Pay him for the pizza.

5) How do you know if a Mississippi State football player has a Girlfriend?.........There is tobacco spit on both sides of his pickup

6) Why is the Kentucky Football team like a possum? ......Because they play dead at home and get killed on the road.

7) What are the longest three years of an Auburn football player's Life?.....His freshman year.

How many Florida Freshmen does it take to change a light bulb?......None. That's a sophomore course.

9) Where was O. J. headed in the white Bronco? ......Baton Rouge, Louisiana. He knew that the police would never look at LSU for a Heisman Trophy winner. AND FINALLY (drum roll and cymbal crash.....)

10) Why did Tennessee choose orange as their team color? .....You can wear it to the game on Saturday, hunting on Sunday, and picking up trash along the highways the rest of the week.



For the record, I am an ACC graduate (Clemson)

[FUDU]

What's better than honor?

In her.



What is the difference between a women's track team and a bunch of 5 year olds?


One is a pack of cunning runts.

[swerb]

An 18 year old Italian girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for 2 months.

Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit.
The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.

Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!"

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call.

Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the of the Ferrari and enters the house.

He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem.

I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life.

Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, a beach house, 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account.

If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each.

However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"

At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him,

"You f *#% her again."

[The Tribe Zone]

Ok...Ill do one...This is an oldie but a goodie...

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey, sits down and orders up a beer.
Meanwhile the monkey is bouncing all over the place, getting into everything.
The bartender brings the beer, and just then, the monkey grabs the cue ball off the pool table, sticks it in his mouth, and swallows it.
The bartender is pissed, says "Hey man, your f@$#^% monkey just ate my cue ball!!"
The guy finishes his beer, says "Don't worry, when he passes it, I'll clean it up and return it to you"
The bartender relunctantly agrees.
A coupla days later, the guy returns with his monkey, and hands the Bartender his shiny cue ball.
"Let me have a beer " he says.
While the bartender is serving his beer, the monkey hops up on the bar, grabs a peanut from the bowl, sticks it up his ass, pulls it out, and eats it.
The bartender says "WHATDAFU? IS HE DOING NOW??
The guys replies, "Well, ever since the cue ball incident, he tests everything for fit now, before he eats it".

[Bayou Tribe]

Man, let me take a shot....


Kid comes home and runs straight to his dad, "Daddy, I have to write a paper on the difference between theory and reality. What is the difference?"

Dad says "Son, it's better if I show you. Go upstairs and ask your sister if she would sleep with a total stranger for a million bucks."

Boy, looking sort of confused, runs up stairs to his sisters room, pokes his head past her door and asks just as his dad told him. Sister replies, "For a million, sure I would." Boy runs back downstairs to dad and tells him, "She said she would totally sleep with a stranger for a million dollars. But I'm still confused dad."

Dad says, "OK son, well go ask your mother the exact same question." The boy tells his dad, "Are you sure? I really don't see how this explains the difference between theory and reality. But if you say so...." So he runs in the kitchen and asks his mother the same. She says, "Well honey, for a million dollars? Hmmm.... I guess I would have to say 'Yes'."

So the buy runs back to the living room where his father is, still confused by this whole experiment and says, "Dad, Mom said yes also, but I still don't know what this has to do with the difference between theory and reality."

Dad pats his boy on the head and says, "Son, in theory I'm sitting on a couple mill, but in reality you and I are just sharing the house with a couple of whores."

[swerb]

One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very sexy nightie. 'Tie me up,' she purred, 'and you can do anything you want.'

So he tied her up and went golfing.

[skatingtripods]

One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very sexy nightie. 'Tie me up,' she purred, 'and you can do anything you want.'

So he tied her up and went golfing.

Is this a joke or a personal experience story?

[swerb]

One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very sexy nightie. 'Tie me up,' she purred, 'and you can do anything you want.'

So he tied her up and went golfing.

Is this a joke or a personal experience story?

Whoops ... did I post that?

That was meant for my memoirs.

[FUDU]

While this is not a joke I figured it would go good here.

True story I was able to confirm.

My mail man arrived at his home one day to find his wife in bed with a another guy, they were actually in bed. He proceeds to get angry of course and gets physical with the strange man in HIS bed, in an attempt to throw this guy out of HIS house. As it turns out the guy kicks HIS ass and throws HIM out of HIS own house.

I could barely type this without laughing, I mean is there anything more emasculating.

[skatingtripods]

Whoops ... did I post that?

That was meant for my memoirs.

So what'd you shoot?

[FUDU]

Guys that reminds me of the episode of Everybody Loves Raymond when he is attempting to leave to go golfing and Debra says "I told you no golfing today" and Ray replies "I though that meant for you"

[Cerebral_DownTime]

This is a little racist but hey its a joke.

What do you call 4 white guys pushing a car?
White Power

What do you call 4 black guys pushing a car?
Black Power

What do you call 4 mexicans pushing a car?
Grand Theft Auto.

[FLAohiofan]

WOMAN'S POEM


Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong.
One who loves to listen long.
One who thinks before he speaks.
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray that he is gainfully employed,
And when I spend his cash won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man, who'll make love to my mind, And knows the answer to
"how big is my behind?"
I pray this man will love me to no end,
And always be my very best friend.



MAN'S POEM


I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge boobs, who owns a liquor
store and a golf course. This doesn't rhyme and I don't give a shit

[mikebrownz26]

A blonde comes up to the front door of a neat looking farmhouse and raps gently on the door. When the farm owner answers, the blonde asks him, "Please, sir, could you give me something to eat? I haven't had a good meal in several days."

The owner says, "I have made a fortune in my lifetime by supplying goods for people. I've never given anything away for nothing. However, if you go around the back, you will see a gallon of paint and a clean paint brush. If you will paint my porch, I will give you a good meal."

So the blonde goes around back and a while later again knocks on the door. The owner says, "Finished already? Good. Come on in. Sit down. The cook will bring your meal right in."

The blonde says, "Thank you very much, sir. But there's something that I think you should know. It's not a Porsche you got there. It's a BMW."

[Joens]

A policeman spotted a jay walker and decided to challenge him, 'Why are you trying to cross here when there's a zebra crossing only 20 metres away?'

'Well,' replied the jay walker, 'I hope it's having better luck than me.'

[Joens]

Brenda and Terry are going out for the evening. The last thing they do is put their cat out.

The taxi arrives, and as the couple walk out of the house, the cat scoots back in.

Terry returns inside to chase it out. Brenda, not wanting it known that the house would be empty, explains to the taxi driver, 'My husband is just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother.'

Several minutes later, an exhausted Terry arrives and climbs back into the taxi saying, 'Sorry I took so long, the stupid idiot was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger several times before I could get her to come out!'

[mikebrownz26]

Dad pats his boy on the head and says, "Son, in theory I'm sitting on a couple mill, but in reality you and I are just sharing the house with a couple of whores."

I just spit beer on my keyboard.

I'm not kidding.

[Bayou Tribe]

Glad you like that Mike. My boss told me that joke within 5 minutes of my first day on the job, I don't think I'll ever forget that.

[FLAohiofan]

LITTLE JOHNNY STRIKES AGAIN...
A grade school teacher in Kentucky asked her students to use the word 'fascinate' in a sentence.
Molly put up her hand and said, "My family went to my granddad's
farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating."
The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted you to use the word "fascinate, not fascinating".
Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to the aquarium and was fascinated."
The teacher said, "Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to
use the word 'fascinate' not fascinated."
Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word 'fascinate', so she called on him.
Johnny said, "My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight."
The teacher sat down and cried.

[KDog]

Friendship among Women:
A woman didn't come home one night. The next morning
she told her husband that she had slept over at a
friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best
friends. None of them knew anything about it.

Friendship among Men:
A man didn't come home one night. The next morning he
told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's
house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends.
Eight confirmed that he had slept over, and
two said he was still there

[FUDU]

Q. What is the difference between a golf ball and a g-spot?
A. Men will spend two hours searching for a golf ball.


Q. What's the difference between a group of pygmies and the UCLA women's track team?
A. One is a pack of cunning runts.

[CAVSTRIBEBROWNSin07!]

Made this one up:
A freudian slip is when you trip and land in your mother

[mswerb]

Made this one up:
A freudian slip is when you trip and land in your mother

Don't quit your day job.

[redneckofsc]

Man walks into his house and approaches his wife with a duck under his arm.

He says: "Here is the fat ugly pig I was telling you about."

His wife replies: "That is a duck, not a pig."

He says: "I wasn't talking to you."

[CAVSTRIBEBROWNSin07!]

This is no holds barred right?

Guy walks in to a whorehouse and asks for a whore.

Madam: "That will be $500 per hour of fucking"

Guy: "Cant afford that, what else you got?"

Madam: "$300 for a blow job"

Guy: "Still out of my price range. What else?"

Madam: "Gimme $150 I'll jerk you off"

Guy: " Dont have that kinda money either, anything cheaper?'

Madam: "How much DO you have?"

Guy: "10 bucks"

Madam: "OK, go to the top floor, there's a dead girl there you can fuck for $10."

So the guy disappears upstairs for a little while, and comes back down with a bemused look on his face.

Madam: "Was she not satisfactory?"

Guy: "Oh yeah, she was great. But something weird happened when I was finished - she sneezed?!"

Madam: "Eh, dont worry about that - it just means she's full"

[General]

Q: How many times can a real man make a woman orgasm?

A: A real man doesn't care.


Q: Why is Antarctica and a clitoris the same?

A: Many men know it's there, but few care.

[Black.Sheep23]

Bill joined the military and was stationed on a small base in the middle of the desert.

On his first day on base he was given a tour by the base Commander.

When the tour finished, Bill noticed that there were no women on base and no vehicles. Confused, Bill asked "Commander, I couldn't help but notice that there are no women here. Where are they?"

"Ahh yes, well the women are located in a small village about 100 miles outside of the base."

"So what's a guy to do when he gets lonely?"

"We have a Camel. Just use her."

"A Camel? That's disgusting. I'm not using a Camel."

"Suit yourself."

Several weeks pass and Bill cannot take the frustration any longer. He approaches the Commander and shamefully asks, "Sir, would you mind showing me to the Camel."

"Of course. Follow me."

The Commander leads Bill to a small red barn located on the southern edge of the base. Uppon entering the barn, Bill is astonished by the size of the animal.

"Commander, she's awfully tall. How am I supposed to get on her?"

"Easy, just smack her thighs and she'll come down."

Bill follows the instructions, and sure enough the Camel lowers herself to a more "accessable" position.

Pent up, and frustrated, Bill drops trou and goes to town on the Camel.

When he finishes, Bill turns around and see's an astounded Commander.

"Is something wrong Sir? Did I make a mistake?"

"Not at all. That was the most impressive display of stamina that I've ever witnessed."

"Then why are you staring at me like that?"

"Well son, most guys take the Camel to the Village......."

[swerb]

Thats a good one Black Sheep ...

[Bill the Butcher]

This one was from The Office (US). It's simple and dumb, but makes me laugh everytime (I kinda changed it a bit too)...



A man approaches a prostitute on a street corner and asks, "How much?" The prostitute says, "10 dollars." The man agrees, leads the prostitute to his place, and they do their business.

The next morning, the man finds out he has crabs. Infuriated, the man returns to the same street corner and finds the same prostitute. He screams at the top of his lungs, "CRABS?! CRABS?!? YOU GAVE ME CRABS!!!!!"

And the prostitute replies, "Whoa, hey it was only 10 dollars, what were you expecting... lobster?"

[swerb]

This could only happen with a little Italian kid..

'Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl'.

The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Joey Pagano ?'

'Yes, Father, it is.'

'And who was the girl you were with?'

'I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation'

Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now.

Was it Tina Minetti?'

'I cannot say.'

'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?'

'I'll never tell.'

'Was it Nina Capelli?'

'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.'

'Was it Cathy Piriano?'

'My lips are sealed.'

'Was it Rosa Di Angelo, then?'

'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'

The priest sighs in frustration. 'You're very tight lipped, Joey Pagano, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.'

Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, 'What'd you get?'

"4 months vacation and five good leads."

[fundamentals]

Following his death, a man is taken by God and Satan to take a tour of heaven and hell to decide where he will spend eternity.

God takes the man to heaven and he is pleased with what he sees as angels are floating, soft music is playing, and he sees many of his family members.

Satan then takes him down to Hell and the man is amazed at what he sees, guys playing golf, people eating steak/lobster dinners, and Satan's helpers waiting on everyone's needs.

The guy is stunned and then is asked the question, where do you want to spend eternity? The man says he wants to go to Hell.

Upon his arrival, the man sees people in misery, agony, and thousands working/slaving for the Prince of Darkness. The guy is alarmed and asks Satan what happened to the golf, good food, and the people who were so helpful?

Satan looks at the guy and says "I got your vote, so now it's back to reality and the election is over".

[stonepm]

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle and I can't figure out how to get started."

Boyfriend asks."What is it supposed to be when it finished?"

The blonde replies "According to the picture on the box, it's supposed to be a rooster!"

So her boyfriend goes over to help, and she shows him the pieces spread out all over the table. He studies them for a moment, looks at the box and then says "First of all no matter what we do we are never going to be able to put this together to look like a rooster, so I want you to relax, get a nice cup of hot tea and help me put the Corn Flakes back into the box."

[General]

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle and I can't figure out how to get started."

Boyfriend asks."What is it supposed to be when it finished?"

The blonde replies "According to the picture on the box, it's supposed to be a rooster!"

So her boyfriend goes over to help, and she shows him the pieces spread out all over the table. He studies them for a moment, looks at the box and then says "First of all no matter what we do we are never going to be able to put this together to look like a rooster, so I want you to relax, get a nice cup of hot tea and help me put the Corn Flakes back into the box."

...then I'll show you a real nice cock. badabum! crash!

[jjgmyers]

I tried walking into a Target last night........I missed

[davemanddd]

why did snow white get expelled from disneyland???

she got caught sitting on pinnochio's face saying "lie to me, now tell the truth, lie to me, now tell the truth, lie to me . . ."

[The Tribe Zone]

The teachers assignment, come to school tomorrow with a real life family story that has a moral to it.

The next day, after hearing the classes stories, the teacher was down to the final 2 pupils.

Teach:"Ok Sally, your turn."

Sally:"I went to my grandfathers farm and we gathered all the eggs from the chickens, put them in a basket, and went to the market to sell them. On the way, the truck hit a big bump, the basket fell off the truck, and all the eggs broke. The moral to my story is, don't put all your eggs in one basket."

Teach:"Very Good.....Ok Johnny, its your turn".

Johnny:" My Uncle Bob was a fighter pilot in the war. One day his plane got shot down. Before it crashed, he grabbed everything he could, which was his parachute, a machine gun, a machete, and a bottle of Jack Daniels, and jumped from the plane.

After his chute had opened, he decided he wasn't going to take a chance with the bottle of Jack Daniels breaking when he landed, so he drank it all.

When he landed, he was surrounded by 100 enemy soldiers. Taking his machine gun out, Uncle Bob killed 60 of the enemy soldiers. But he ran out of ammo, so he grabbed his machete, and killed another 30 soldiers with it, until it broke in half. Using his bare hands, Uncle Bob killed the last 10 enemy soldiers."

The Teach was flabbergasted.

Teach:"That sounded horrible! So what's the moral of the story Johnny?"

Johnny:"The moral of my story is, Don't FUCK with my Uncle Bob, when he's been drinkin....."

[The Tribe Zone]

A guy walks into a bar, with a metal bucket and duck. He sits the bucket, upside down, on the bar, and puts the duck on top of it. He then orders a beer.

The bartender, brings the guy a beer, and says, "Whats with the duck?"

Pretty soon, the duck starts tap dancing.

The customers begin to gather around the tap dancing duck, and many were saying, "We love this tap dancing duck! He's funny!"

People who were walking by the bar, would see the tap dancing duck, and stroll in. Pretty soon the bar was packed.

The Bartender, knowing a good thing, said to the guy, "People love the tap dancing duck. Business is great. I'll buy him from you for $200 bucks!"

The guy agrees, takes the $200, finishes his beer, and leaves.

After awhile, the duck stops tap dancing. No matter what the bartender does, he can't make the duck tap dance.

Soon, the bar is empty.

The next day, the guy comes into the bar, and orders a beer.

The Bartender is pissed, brings him a beer, and says, "This damn duck quit tap dancing. No matter what I did, he wouldn't tap dance. I lost business!"

"WHY WON'T THIS DUCK TAP DANCE ANYMORE?!?!?!?!?!?"

The guys calmly sets his beer down, takes the duck off the bucket, turns the bucket over, and points under it....

"Cuz the candle went out........"

[Erie Warrior]

What is the difference between Sarah Palin's mouth and her vagina?


Only half the stuff that comes out of her vagina is retarded.

[Stu]

What is the difference between Sarah Palin's mouth and her vagina?


Only half the stuff that comes out of her vagina is retarded.

thats not cool dude.

[danwismar]

Guy walks into a bar and catches the barman's eye.

"Double whisky!" he shouts. The barman pours it, serves it and GULP, the guy knocks it back in one go.

"Are you alright, mate?" asks the barman.

"Sure," says the guy, "I'm celebrating - another double whisky!" Barman serves it, guy grabs it and downs it in one again.

"What are you celebrating?" asks the barman.

"Aaaaahhhh," says the guy "can't tell you - it's a secret. Another double whisky!". The barman serves it to him, the guy grabs it and downs it in one.

"Come on," says the barman, "you'll be pissed in a minute and tell me anyway - what're you celebrating?"

"Oh all right," says the guy, looking around furtively, "first blowjob!"

"Ohhhhhh, well done my son!" beams the barman, "here, have one on me!"

The guy peers at the drink, thinks, sniffs. "No thanks", he says, "if three won't get rid of the taste, nothing will..."

[danwismar]

OK...two more....

At a world brewing convention in the States, the CEOs of various Brewing organizations retired to the bar at the end of each day's conference.

Bruce, CEO of Fosters, shouted to the Barman: "In 'Strylya, we make the best bladdy beer in the world, so pour me a Bladdy Fosters, mate."

Bob, CEO of Budweiser, calls out next: "In the States, we brew the finest beers in the world, and I make the King of them all; gimme a Bud."

Hans steps up next: "In Germany ve invented das beer, verdamt. Give me ein Becks, ya ist Der real King of beers, danke."

Paddy, CEO of Guinness, steps forward "Barman, would ya give me a doyet coke wid ice and lemon. Tanks."

The others stare at him in stunned silence, amazement written all over their faces. Eventually Bruce asks, "Are you not going to have a Guinness, Pat?"

Paddy replies: "Well, if you fookin' pansies aren't drinkin', then neither am I".


------


There once was a monastery that was very strict. Following a vow of silence, no one was allowed to speak at all. But there was one exception to this rule. Every ten years, the monks were permitted to speak just two words. After spending his first ten years at the monastery, one monk went to the head monk. "It has been ten years," said the head monk. "What are the two words you would like to speak?"

"Bed... hard..." said the monk.

"I see," replied the head monk.

Ten years later, the monk returned to the head monk's office. "It has been ten more years," said the head monk. "What are the two words you would like to speak?"

"Food... stinks..." said the monk.

"I see," replied the head monk.

Yet another ten years passed and the monk once again met with the head monk who asked, "What are your two words now, after these ten years?"

"I... quit!" said the monk.

"Well, I can see why," replied the head monk. "All you ever do is complain."

[Ziner]

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him.
She says hello. He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from.
So he says, 'Do you know me?'
To which she replies, 'I think you're the father of one of my kids.'
Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, 'Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped me with wet celery???'
She looks into his eyes and says calmly, 'No, I'm your son's teacher.

[Fire Marshall Bill]

Guy walks to his seat in First Class on the plane and sees he's seated next to a beautiful blonde in a short skirt with mile long legs

As he sits they glance at each other and politely nod hello

A few seconds pass and the girl sneezes while covering her mouth with her hankie. Before the gut can even say God Bless you, she reaches up under her skirt with the hankie and taps her pussy a couple times.

The guy is blown away and says nothing.

Seconds pass and again, "achoo!!" tap tap on her pussy

Finally the guy is about to blow a gasket and asks the girl, "excuse me, miss, but, is there something wrong?"

She says "Oh, no thanks"

Says, "may I ask what you are doing?"

She says, "Well, every time I sneeze, I have an orgasm."

The guy smiles and asks, "do you take anything for it?"

"Yes," she says, "pepper"

[Tymaster]

Bill joined the military and was stationed on a small base in the middle of the desert.

On his first day on base he was given a tour by the base Commander.

When the tour finished, Bill noticed that there were no women on base and no vehicles. Confused, Bill asked "Commander, I couldn't help but notice that there are no women here. Where are they?"

"Ahh yes, well the women are located in a small village about 100 miles outside of the base."

"So what's a guy to do when he gets lonely?"

"We have a Camel. Just use her."

"A Camel? That's disgusting. I'm not using a Camel."

"Suit yourself."

Several weeks pass and Bill cannot take the frustration any longer. He approaches the Commander and shamefully asks, "Sir, would you mind showing me to the Camel."

"Of course. Follow me."

The Commander leads Bill to a small red barn located on the southern edge of the base. Uppon entering the barn, Bill is astonished by the size of the animal.

"Commander, she's awfully tall. How am I supposed to get on her?"

"Easy, just smack her thighs and she'll come down."

Bill follows the instructions, and sure enough the Camel lowers herself to a more "accessable" position.

Pent up, and frustrated, Bill drops trou and goes to town on the Camel.

When he finishes, Bill turns around and see's an astounded Commander.

"Is something wrong Sir? Did I make a mistake?"

"Not at all. That was the most impressive display of stamina that I've ever witnessed."

"Then why are you staring at me like that?"

"Well son, most guys take the Camel to the Village......."

[Bill the Butcher]

Corny and awful at the same time...


What is the opposite of Christopher Reeve?









Christopher Walken

[Ziner]

No Holds Barred right?

A golfer walks into the clubhouse of the local country club. He tells the golf pro behind the counter that he wants to do 18 and he is going to need a caddy. The golf pro informs him that the country club is running a promotion and if he tries out one of their experimental robot caddies, he can golf for free. The golfer agrees and takes out the robot. While on the golf course the robot caddy tells the golfer the wind speed, distance, even how hard to hit which club. He has the best game of his life.

The next time the golfer goes to the country club, he tells the golf pro that he wants to do 18 holes and that he wants to get one of the robot caddies.

He informs the golfer that they don't have the robot caddies anymore. The golfer, all upset, tells him how great they were and asks him what happened.

The golf pro tells him that members were complaining that the sun would reflect of their metallic material and into their eyes.

The golfer asks him why they didn't just paint the robots black?

The golf pro said that they did, but the next day, 3 of them didn't show up and the other 3 robbed the pro shop.