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No Holds Barred

Moot Points

Need to get something off your chest? Have a topic that doesn't fit one of the other forums? Rant away in here. Mature audiences only, not for the easily offended.

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Moot Points

Unread postby swerb » Tue Jun 05, 2007 8:23 am

I never thought Hiko would be able to top the one where his girlfriend wanted sex, but he had the Taco Bell shits.

I think he's done it this week.

I was in tears reading this ...

Do you remember the Choose Your Own Adventure Books from the ‘80's? They were kids' adventure books that had the reader as the main character. It would go on for a couple pages - maybe you're a gladiator looking for a way home for Arbor Day, maybe you're a space scientist that has been kidnapped by alien hillbillies, maybe you're a paranormal investigator that discovered clues to the whereabouts of an epileptic vampire - and after about 5 pages or so the book gives you a choice:

If you open the coffin and confront the vampire, turn to Page 22.

If you decide to call it a day and head to the nearest inn for some mead and a toothless prostitute, turn to Page 31.


Life is like a Choose Your Own Adventure Book, except for the fact that, in life, you don't get to turn back and read what would've happened to you had you made the other choice. Wouldn't be interesting if you could? You don't live the life, but you at least get to see what would've happened to you had you made the choice.

Let's see... I think I'll start with:

You are 22 years old and just graduated from Film School. Sitting in an Italian restaurant in Greenwich Village, you are facing an ex-girlfriend who has flown into town to visit you. There were certainly reasons that you broke up with her, but she seems to have turned over a new leaf, and, hey, she's your only source for sex right now. You are tempted to start dating her again, but you are moving to Los Angeles, and she is not willing to get her own place in LA just for the opportunity to date you.

If you ask her to move to Los Angeles with you and live together, turn to Page 12.

If you decide that you are a 22 year old moving to a new city and you don't need to be living with some girl that you're not even sure you like that much, turn to Page 24.


Well, I already know what happens on Page 12, so I'm gonna check out Page 24.

You tell the girl that she will always have a place in your heart, but you don't see a future in your relationship. She grows angry and throws veal piccata at your head.

You move to the West Coast, become fantastically successful, and currently live in a house in Malibu with Scarlett Johansson.


Ah, but am I happy? Just because I'm wealthy and dating a beautiful intelligent woman doesn't mean I'm not miserable. I turn the page.

And you are deliriously happy. The end.

D'oh! Well, delirious happiness breeds complacency, or at least that's what I tell myself, since I only know delirious happiness 3 or 4 times a week, and that only lasts a couple seconds before I realize I've got to pee.

All right, let's try this thing again:

You are 30 years old, on vacation in Prague with your girlfriend for 9 days. Most days, you don't really like her. Hell, you stopped liking her shortly after moving in with her. But she seemed to get pregnant every time you resolved to break up with her, and now you have two children together.

You've been drinking delicious Czech beer for a week straight, and maybe sampling some of the Vicodin that your girlfriend got for her recent oral surgery, when it occurs to you that if you were ever to ask this girl to marry you, you'd be hard pressed to find a more romantic spot than this.


If you decide "What the hell - I'm stuck with the broad anyway" and propose even though you don't really want to and you don't have a ring, turn to Page 35.

If you sober up a little and tell your girlfriend "Hey baby, we had some laughs, but when we get back to California, I'm getting the spork out of this dead-end relationship," turn to Page 63.


Once again, I know what Page 35 is like. Expensive. So to Page 63...

You get your own apartment in Los Angeles, and after reaching a suitable shared parenting arrangement with your ex, you get a big break in software development, become fantastically successful, and currently live in a house in London with Beyonce.

Shit. I'm afraid to look at the next page...

And you are deliriously happy. The end.

Well, this is as fun as gargling boiling snot. One more shot...

You are 32 years old, married, with two kids, and you recently moved from California back to Ohio. Your office is in Independence, but your house is in Canton. And that house has become your Hell. Previously, whenever your relationship made you miserable, you would move. But you feel like you can't run anymore, and coming home each day to a stressed-out moody stupid petty shallow violent wife is finally finally becoming too much to bear.

If you leave her, giving her everything but the children, and move into your own apartment and start a new life, turn to Page 96.

If you decide to stay together for the kids, bury your personal feelings deep down, and suck it up and stick it out, turn to Page 112.


Did Page 96, but I'm almost afraid to look at Page 112. The way my other decisions have backfired, I probably would've ended up as Prince of New Zealand deliriously happily married to Jessica Alba.

You stay with her a few more years until she really loses it one day and stabs you in the head with a fork. The resulting nerve damage causes you to be very sensitive to light, and computer monitors give you a blinding headache. You lose your job, get addicted to monkey tranquilizers, contract genital warts, and end up unemployed in Greenland. Your children hate you, no one you used to know acknowledges your existence, and you finally end it all by harpooning yourself in the heart.

Too bad it takes you 4 painful days to die. The end.


See? Life: It Could Always Be Worse.
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Unread postby intenso » Tue Jun 05, 2007 9:48 am

that's f'n brilliant
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Unread postby swerb » Tue Jun 05, 2007 9:52 am

I was hooked on those "Choose Your Own Adventure" books as a kid too.
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Unread postby consigliere » Tue Jun 05, 2007 10:09 am

That was classic stuff. And I love the "Choose Your Own Adventure" mention. Loved those books as a kid....used to scramble down to the monthly book fair in school and snag a couple of those everytime, along with the Dungeons and Dragons books which were much like th Choose Your Own Adventure books where you picked how things ended up.
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Unread postby swerb » Tue Jun 05, 2007 10:35 am

Consigliere wrote:That was classic stuff. And I love the "Choose Your Own Adventure" mention. Loved those books as a kid....used to scramble down to the monthly book fair in school and snag a couple of those everytime, along with the Dungeons and Dragons books which were much like th Choose Your Own Adventure books where you picked how things ended up.

Another D&D geek exposed.

Buff was a D&D geek too. Furls was our Dungeonmaster back in grade school for our ring of D&D geeks.
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Unread postby consigliere » Tue Jun 05, 2007 10:41 am

Swerb wrote:Another D&D geek exposed.

Buff was a D&D geek too. Furls was our Dungeonmaster back in grade school for our ring of D&D geeks.


Nah. Aside from reading those choose your adventure style D&D books, I never did another thing with D&D. Never was interested in that fantasy stuff. About the only thing I have ever liked with that kind of stuff is TLoTR trilogy.

I was more interested in books about warfare as I started reading books like THe Phoenix Force, Mack Bolan, and The Able Team. I remember I used to love those books because they were littered with curse words and like the movies and stuff I was interested in at the time (Rambo, Predator, Cobra, Robocop, etc).
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