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No Holds Barred

Confessions of a Bitter Wal-Mart Greeter

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Confessions of a Bitter Wal-Mart Greeter

Unread postby Triple-S » Tue Mar 15, 2011 6:42 pm

I’m cursed with remembering every fat face I see walk into that store. Occasionally, I can’t hold my back my disdain for the customers. Two Saturdays ago I counted fourteen people wearing tank tops and camouflage hats. I said “Welcome to Wal-Mart, asshole!” to everyone of them. When they asked me what I said, I just pointed towards the middle of the store and said “Dorito’s and Mountain Dew are in aisle fourteen. Don’t forget to wear a condom!” Then I’d point to the smiley face sticker I put on my crotch and whisper “Caught ya’ lookin’, queer!” It took until later that night for someone to finally report me. When my boss, a twenty-two year old nerd, confronted me I told him that I was suffering from spells of dementia, then I handed him a doctor’s note I’d written myself on Wal-Mart stationary.

The Saturday following that, I greeted everyone by saying “Welcome to Wal-Mart, today everything is free!” By two o’clock, the police had attempted to arrest seven people for theft. When I was again confronted by my boss I just started talking to an imaginary woman standing behind him, then I started singing “The Star Spangled Banner”. He let me go with not so much as a write-up. People in American society don’t have a lot of respect for the elderly, they generally treat most of us like infants. But I think there’s a certain power in being unassuming. So, later today, I’m going to rob that Wal-Mart at gunpoint. When the cops show up. I’ll yell “Where am I? Where’s my wife?!” Then I’ll intentionally piss my pants and start crying.


http://www.holytaco.com/confessions-of- ... t-greeter/
Swerb wrote:Go start a blog if you want to tell the world your incomprehendible ramblings.


Cerebral_DownTime wrote:I have a big arm and can throw the ball pretty damn far...... maybe even over those moutains. The Browns should sign me, i'll let you all in locker room to drink beer. Then we can all go out the parking lot to watch me do motorcycle stunts.
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Triple-S
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Re: Confessions of a Bitter Wal-Mart Greeter

Unread postby Love child of shawn kemp » Wed Mar 16, 2011 8:15 am

Good stuff. Written from the elderly greeter perspective rather than the mentally challenged greeter. When I was selling cars, one of the salesman used to wave goodbye to customers and exclaim with a friendly voice "take it up the ass". Nobody listens to people.
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Re: Confessions of a Bitter Wal-Mart Greeter

Unread postby Triple-S » Wed Mar 16, 2011 10:13 am

My first thoughts were it's nice to see one of CDT's relatives getting a job in an age of economic hardships
Swerb wrote:Go start a blog if you want to tell the world your incomprehendible ramblings.


Cerebral_DownTime wrote:I have a big arm and can throw the ball pretty damn far...... maybe even over those moutains. The Browns should sign me, i'll let you all in locker room to drink beer. Then we can all go out the parking lot to watch me do motorcycle stunts.
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Triple-S
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