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No Holds Barred

things that make you wince, vomit and scratch your head

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things that make you wince, vomit and scratch your head

Unread postby British_Pharaoh » Fri Jan 26, 2007 8:24 am

INNER SKELETON---
A 63 year old widow was admitted to the hospital in Recife, Brazil,
suffering abdominal pains. X-rays showed that she was carrying a 20- inch long skeleton of a foetus, which she conceived a decade
earlier. It had become lodged outside the womb and was never
expelled from her body.

FEMALE SOFA---
A 500lb. (35.5 stone!!!) woman from Illinois was examined in a
hospital. During the examination, an asthma inhaler fell from under
her armpit, a dime was found under one of her breasts and a remote
control was found lodged between the folds of her vulva.

PRICKLY PAIR-----OUCH!
In Michigan, a man came into the ER with lacerations to his penis.
He complained that his wife had "...a rat in her privates..." and
it bit him during sex (not the first conclusion I would have drawn I don't
think). After an examination of his wife, it was revealed that she
had a surgical needle left inside her after a recent hysterectomy.

PING PONG ANYONE? ---
A 20-year-old man came into the ER with a stony mass in his rectum.
He said that he and his boyfriend were fooling around with concrete
mix, then his boyfriend had the idea of pouring the mix into his
anus using a funnel (as you do)?!!. The concrete then hardened (no
rubbish!), causing constipation and pain. Under general anaesthesia, a
perfect concrete cast of the man's rectum was removed along with a
ping-pong ball. (Boy we live sheltered lives - thank goodness!!)

BLIND ****---
A **** staggered into a Pennsylvania ER complaining of severe pain
while trying to remove his contact lenses. He said that they would
come out halfway, but they always popped back in. a nurse tried to
help using a suction pump, but without success. Finally, a doctor
examined him and discovered the man did not have his contact lenses
in at all. He had been trying to rip out the membrane of his
cornea!

OUCH AND DOUBLE OUCH! ---

A couple hobbled into a Washington State emergency room covered in
bloody restaurant towels. The man had his hands around his abdomen
and the woman had hers around her head. They eventually explained
to doctors that they had gone out for the evening for a romantic
dinner. Overcome with passion, the woman crept under the table to
administer oral sex on the man (Classy or what??). While in the

act, she had an epileptic fit, which caused her to clamp down on
the man's penis and wrench it from side to side. In agony and
desperation, the man grabbed a fork and stabbed her in the head
until she let go.

SHRIMP ANYONE?? ------

One morning around 5a.m., 22-year-old Susan DaLucci of Kittery
Maine, woke up with a painful need to urinate. At first she thought
she had diarrhoea, but when she stood up out of bed, she realised
that it was urinary pain. It was very similar to the feeling of
having diarrhoea, just out of the wrong hole. She wobbled to the
toilet and upon sitting on it; her vagina erupted into the most
horrific messy farting noise anyone has ever heard. In paralysing
pain, Ms. DeLucci for the next few minutes continued to push and
squirt out of her vagina a burning tide of wretch and filth while
she gripped the sides of the
toilet, white-knuckled. She was screaming wildly, and
neighbours called the police. When medics arrived they found Ms.
DeLucci unconscious lying on the floor of the bathroom wearing
nothing but her bathrobe. Running down her leg, was a stream of
brown and green syrup. The medic had to transfer her to a
stretcher, so he grabbed her left leg, which was bent crossing her
other leg, to straighten her out. She was lying there all twisted
up. When he lifted her leg to straighten her left leg to straighten
her body out, he exposed her vagina, at which point a creature, no
lager than the tip of a finger wormed its way out of her genitals
and landed on the floor with a wet popping sound. Shocked, the
medic stared at the creature that was lying on the tile bathroom
floor in a casing of mucous. It was a tiny mud shrimp and it sat
there on the cold floor gasping for water while flipping back and
forth. The horrified medic turned to
the toilet as he felt nausea
setting in. when he put his face down the toilet to puke what he
saw was so horrific that to this day he cannot look into a toilet
without convulsing. The entire toilet bowl was boiling with baby
mud shrimps flipping and splashing at a furious pace. If you think
that is bad - wait until you hear how it happened:

Ms. DeLucci's official death was the result of a combination of
shock and severe head trauma. She stood up over the toilet in pain
and when she saw what she had done, she went into shock and fell,
smashing her head on the toilet and then on the floor. It is
believed by medical police that on two nights before the accident, she had
purchased a live lobster at a fish market. While lying in a tub,
she gently inserted the creature's tail into her vagina to derive
pleasure. At that point, she held a lighter under the creature's
face causing it to flip its tail in a violent snapping
motion. The medics found a
lesbian video in the VCR and the TV was positioned on a table in
front of the tub. The lobster was found in the kitchen garbage can
wrapped in a paper bag. Traces of Ms. DeLucci's DNA were found on
the lobster along with pubic hairs that had wedged themselves
between the lobster tail joints. The lobsters face was lightly
burned with the same fuel used in lighters. The lobster's digestive
track and colon were found to be full of mud shrimp egg casings.

Doctors believe that the lobster had eaten them (they are common in
the water at fish markets and are usually harmlessly boiled to
death) and the lobster had crapped them out into Ms. DeLucci's
vagina when she was torturing it. Maine mud shrimp only take two
days gestate and Ms. DeLucci was only four days away from getting
her period, doctors believe that at that point of her
menstrual
cycle, her womb was the perfect PH balance to grow these mud shrimp
which are a much larger version of the popular "Sea Monkey" pets
sold throughout the US. Over night the eggs hatched and the mud
shrimp began doubling in size every ten minutes. You can imagine
the pain she was in when she woke up that morning and gave birth to well over 1,000 mud shrimp in her toilet
"There is but one thing of real value: to cultivate truth and justice and to live without anger in the midst of lying and unjust men"

-Marcus Aurelius
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British_Pharaoh
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