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Disney Cruise Lines Review

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Disney Cruise Lines Review

Unread postby Boston_butt » Mon Jul 25, 2011 4:56 pm

I just got back from taking a week long Disney Cruise with my family, and felt an obligation to this board to post my thoughts on the experience. Remember, your mileage may vary, this is just my opinion.

In summary, at present I have the desire to go find the cryogenically frozen body of Walt Disney and rape it with a Louisville Slugger to form a horrific Disney corpse-sicle, and then invest in science to find a way to reanimate him so that he can feel the pain and degradation I experienced last week. I feel a need to watch 3 days straight of S&M pornography just to cleanse my system of the faux Disney "happiness" which was bukaked all over me the past week.

I, of course, shall elaborate. But first, I address the obvious question: why the fuck did you go on a Disney cruise in the first place? The real answer is a failure of will, the stated answer is service to my children and family. The idea was proposed, I resisted as much as I could, facts and personal experiences from many trumped my ideologic objections, and my fate was sealed. Lesson be learned: never compromise your values.

My primary objection is the Walt Disney Company (remember Clevelanders, these are the same disciples of Satan that own ESPN, which sees it as its religious duty to destroy every ounce of pride in Cleveland). With their proficiency in brainwashing the huddled masses, I am steadfast in my conviction that the New World Order prophesies are indeed real, and that Disney is just a front company to condition people to wait in extraordinary lines, forego their individuality of thought and expression, accept overcrowding and inhumane "camps" as the norm, and lose any and all attachment you may have to your personal property. Because every Disney-branded service delivers exactly these things to you: long lines for minimal rewards, usurious prices, false idols presented for your worship, and a manufactured alternate reality that is neither healthy nor at all comparable to the reality of life. Let me tell you, the day Disney produces their first porn movie, and it will happen, will be the day Aldous Huxley's vision of a Brave New World becomes less of a story and more of a prophesy.

The Disney cruise was no exception. Of the eight days of my journey, a full three of them were waiting. There was the day they flew us to Orlando, the anus of America, to stay in the airport hotel all day for pickup the next morning. I travel a lot for work, and flying makes me miserable. Airports are miserable. And to be forced to spend time in an airport on my vacation? Fuck. That. We then waited in line for a bus ticket, waited to get on the bus, rode, and waited some more, just to get on the boat the next day. The last day was an early morning forced-march off the boat so they could welcome more sheep-like victims to their bughouse, a bus ride back where we were entertained by marketing videos selling more vacations and time shares (I wish I was joking here) and another miserable day in the Orlando airport. Any trip that requires you to spend over 20 waking hours in the Orlando airport is a failure by any standard. Couple that with insane crowds on both of the things worth a crap on the boat (pool, slide) and forced scheduling of my time on the boat, and it was very similar to being imprisoned, if the prison delivered motion discomfort.

And what of my shipmates? Well, I hate Disney people. If I see you wearing Disney-logo merchandise, I can only assume you to be weak of will and mind. Disney sells believing in the magic, which is a great substitute for being able to deal with the realities of life, and symptomatic of everything wrong with this nation today. Getting Donald Duck's fucking autograph? Really? 4,000 Joe and Sally Cornfed with a BMI average in the mid 40s, and an IQ not much higher, who have drank ALL of the Disney Kool-Aid and are licking the glass for more are not people with whom I have anything in common. What is my favorite Disney movie? Well, was True Romance a Disney flick? No? Where are you going, we were just getting to know each other... By the way, Mr. Cornfed, I'm playing with my kids and paying attention to them. Why don't you do the same with yours so the little shit doesn't bother me and my family, because my kids find your child irksome (must be in the DNA). Thanks. Oh, and note to the lady wearing the one-strap black one-piece bathing suit. You're not stylish, you look like King Kong Bundy.

And of that legendary food. Unfortunately and predictably, it is sufficiently dumbed down for the lummoxes and lummoxettes that Disney attracts. The "Asian Rim Cuisine" restaurant serving a menu that would make the Olive Garden seem like authentic Italian? Yeah, don't give Joe Cornfed any exotic spices (like "pepper") or challenge his Wonder-bread deadened palette. "That there food is weird son, you got any spaghetti?" Butter, improper cooking (everything cooked into shoe leather), total lack of spice or seasoning, all forced upon me at designated feeding times. You know it is bad when the airport Sbarro is a welcome sight.

At least the kids had fun, which is where I'm hanging my hat. But next time, we have 8 days of fun and control our own activities, and I don't have to torture them with waiting, crowds, and forced schedules. Trust me on this one: if you ever consider going on a cruise, immediately slam your genitals in a door, and then go on the internet and schedule a beach vacation for yourself with less hassle, less cost, and more amenities. And decent food.
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Re: Disney Cruise Lines Review

Unread postby Bayou Tribe » Mon Jul 25, 2011 5:09 pm

It doesn't matter if I knowlingly have but 5 minutes of life left, I can not pass up a thread that I know Boston_butt has posted in. You just know it's gonna be straight cash.
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Re: Disney Cruise Lines Review

Unread postby FUDU » Mon Jul 25, 2011 5:13 pm

He's the Kronus of TCF. Highest rack % by far.
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Re: Disney Cruise Lines Review

Unread postby HoodooMan » Mon Jul 25, 2011 5:45 pm

Boston_butt wrote:I, of course, shall elaborate. But first, I address the obvious question: why the fuck did you go on a Disney cruise in the first place? The real answer is...


...you're dead and residing in eternal hell.
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Plus it's kinda personal for me... I have a lot of family and friends who are Ducks... (angrybeaver, 11/08/09)
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Re: Disney Cruise Lines Review

Unread postby Orenthal » Mon Jul 25, 2011 6:48 pm

But Hooooodddooooo this means there is hope for Winehouse.
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Re: Disney Cruise Lines Review

Unread postby Bayou Tribe » Mon Jul 25, 2011 9:06 pm

I just re-read the op, and for the second time I lost my shit with this gem....


Boston_butt wrote:Oh, and note to the lady wearing the one-strap black one-piece bathing suit. You're not stylish, you look like King Kong Bundy.
"Dammit you piss me off. I f#ckin hate you and I hope you f#cking get killed by a rabid polar bear you douche bag."

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Re: Disney Cruise Lines Review

Unread postby peeker643 » Mon Jul 25, 2011 11:12 pm

I had to do the Disney World thing with my girls because apparently it's mandated in my marriage certificate. I wasn't aware that was the case til it was too late and they attached a vacuum hose to my checking account at the entrance gate.

But Disney Cruise?

Fuck that.

That's pretty much the Chuck E. Cheese of the high seas. I'd have the chum bucket on full spill and be ready to throw myself over within 24 hours.

Condolences dude.
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Re: Disney Cruise Lines Review

Unread postby Kingpin74 » Tue Jul 26, 2011 12:28 am

I love Disney World and you couldn't pay me to get on a Disney Cruise. What's a cruise without gambling and a sloppy bar scene?

Disney World where you can pick the attractions you like, find the great restaurants/hotels, and head to extracurricular activities (i.e. golf, Universal Studios, Orlando Magic games)= good

Disney in captive boat form for a week straight= bad
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Re: Disney Cruise Lines Review

Unread postby Love child of shawn kemp » Tue Jul 26, 2011 8:38 am

Bayou Tribe wrote:I just re-read the op, and for the second time I lost my shit with this gem....


Boston_butt wrote:Oh, and note to the lady wearing the one-strap black one-piece bathing suit. You're not stylish, you look like King Kong Bundy.


My favorite line as well.
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Re: Disney Cruise Lines Review

Unread postby Acriumpa » Thu Dec 22, 2011 1:59 am

HoodooMan wrote:
Boston_butt wrote:I, of course, shall elaborate. But first, I address the obvious question: why the fuck did you go on a Disney cruise in the first place? The real answer is...


...you're dead and residing in eternal hell.


:D
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